redemption.

havent blogged in a long time because i dont know what ive been doing with my life. theres no real alterations or complications, just maturing. but honestly, why does this always happens to me, i think im relationship incompatible or something, all my mates just things left, right and all the way down the fucking centre whenever a girl is involved with me, i dont know if its the way i look, or the way i act because the way i act i really dont know how anyone can get that impression of me. tbh, ive thought a lot about this sort of stuff, i work 5 days a week practically by myself outside making coffee and i just zone out and think to myself. the only way i can meet girls are at clubs these days, and lately my korean fetish has gotten the better of me and i  dont regret it in the slightest, but people see me and think dth , down to hook up, not oh, he looks like he'd make a good boyfriend, no ones dtr, down to relationship... LOL. i know im young, nineteen years old, still a fucking teen but ive never had a proper girlfriend and ive realised for a while now theres almost zero opportunities so im gonna be more confident. but still, if i tell my friends one thing, they assume the latter so what can i do. people just assume things from me when they never actually think about who, what, why.. i actually dont know where the fuck im going in life except that each day is just passing, getting simpler, lonelier and somehow more linear as i start coming to terms with my. reality.

been feeling out of it still. sometimes i think that its better, just not to think about any of it. thinking brings complication and complication brings pain. sometimes i actually feel that im going to die young. everything just gets you down and ive just been trying to keep out of it, when somebody says something that pisses me off or makes me sad, ignore it, if somebody tries to make me do something, ignore it. theres no point putting effort into something that doesnt deserve it and if you let it worked up it only makes you weaker. atm, i have work/gym to take my mind off things so im coping.

in the end, just turned back to impassive.

i think im a little bit of a coward. i always tell myself that i know i can do things but prefer not to, i can tell people anything but they don't need to know it if they don't ask... im always waiting for the opportunity. i always tell myself, if i keep waiting then someday something good will happen, someday someone will come to me, someday something will happen but it really wont. and somewhere in the back of my head i know that. and somewhere in the back of my head, i know how alone i actually am in this world. realising at 4am in the morning, realising at 4pm in the afternoon. realising your whole life, you have no one to really talk to.

tonari no kaibutsu kun episode 6 is too real to me its a little painful.

its happening again. i forget to put on my fake face and people think im depressed or angry if i dont have that dumb fake smile on. its too much.

those lyrics hurt... my heart is weathered, tired from the pain, i thirst for something more than any worldly gain. they try to break me, steal the love you give so i need you more every moment of the day.

was reading keith's blog and it reminded me of myself lately a little. i've been overthinking everything, digging to deep into what could be, what i think should be, what i actually want and ending up nowhere. i keep getting caught up on this and that thought and before i know it my body's going faster than my brain. i can't catch up and can't deal with it and before i know it, i catch up and am left with a bunch of regrets. the more and more i think of the 'perfect' girl for me, keep thinking that there is one that is perfect then you get caught up and miss what could've been. i told myself this already over six months ago but im just letting my emotions play for themselves, and in the end im left worse off, more alone and in the hardest pain ive felt in the last few years. the worst part is that i recognise where i went wrong, what i coudl of done and shouldve done and i think over this last year its been the biggest life changer. just so much has happened, and in these last six months, it feels like nothings happening, but somethings happening but times just flowing and now im at the end of my first year of uni with more regret then ever. telling myself to live life with no regrets but doing so brings worse regrets. ttm. bye.

i dont know what to do with my life now. im at an impasse. everywhere i look im just staring blankly. everywhere i go, i dont know where im really walking. i need to quit looking at my feet and thinking where they'll take me and decide where to go but even saying that, i still can't take that step forward.

brightened up my day with a little spark from pikachu.

i just want to sleep and forget about the world around me. theres really nothing worth living for in it. ive been living for these false illusions of a better future but everything is just a dream. and at the moment, im just sore and sick of it. i dont understand why im just so unsatisfied with life. ive made better friends than i had in high school, ive laughed more and matured more but its come to the point where you dont know whats what anymore. i feel like i can have a serious conversation with someone and they wont understand how serious i am and the sad thing is that theres nothing to talk about, no one to talk with and nothing left to give. sometimes you need to shed a tear to force a smile.

im in the biggest slump at the moment, its like falling into the ditch in batman.. but i dont even have the motivation to pull myself out. one of the worst feelings is having something and then losing it. everyone knows that. like in naruto, sasuke had parents but lost them which is more painful then never having parents to begin with. i just have to get my head around life or at least around something seemingly a little real. im just lost by myself in the middle of fucking nowhere and when i look back it makes me think how i got to this point in the first place. by doing nothing. im always doing nothing and everything just looks depressing from this point of view now im trying hard to smile.

theres a lot of things in this world which are hard to distinguish from fantasy and reality. people always perceive things that aren't there, hope for things which aren't real and even when you try to trap yourself in that fantasy happy world you fucking face the real harsh shitness of reality. i keep trying to reassure myself in some way that there is some reason there that im doing this, or doing that but in the end there isn't really a reason behind things. people say theres a motive behind everything but honestly i dont even think and i just go with whatever is happening nowdays. its like my own selfconsciousness has just given up and i dont even know left from right anymore. theres nowhere to look anymore but down at my own two feet and see where theyre headed, maybe one day they will be four feet walking.

looking around, looking forward, looking back still. sometimes i think i get too emotional over things, not even proper things. seeing couples actually hurts... seeing pretty people ... etc etc. i dont get why either. sometimes it makes my heart race and all but then at the end of the day im just tired of everything.

every perspective i look at things there is no positive outcome so its just hard to keep a positive attitude in life even though i try my best. keep a smile on my face, hoping people dont notice its fake sometimes. i mean, there are happy moments but everything is just too temporary. vanishes in a moment for me.
for one, the most depressing thought i had today on the train ride home alone was that there really isn't anyone for me. i actually passed through high school without much social interaction, i kept my mind on study, sport and videogames. and now im passing through uni with my mind on nothing. i do study but it doesn't consume me, i play sport but its not as passionate and i play videogames to consume the rest of the time. i work to earn money and eat. everything just seems so pointless and when you're an insomniac like me and alone at 4-5am in the morning, it only makes everything seem that much more pointless.

i really need to break out of this. everything i want is unrealistic. everything i can get doesn't seem enough. everything i have is unappreciated. im just at a stand still with reality. i look left, right, up, down and theres nothing, i look back and its depressing, i look forward and realistically its more depressing. i cant even do anything about myself anymore and i dont know why im so lost up in nothing... i guess as time goes, friends disappear.

saw the prettiest, cutest.... everything. girl i have ever seen in my life.
nothing to say.

no girl like that, no car like that, no house like that, no job like that, no future for me. ^_^

usually theres up and downs but at the moment its just one big down and im not sure when its going to stop. ive tried to trap myself in university but i cant get into it, theres not really anyone in my life at the moment. everyones pretty much on the outside of this little inner world, only visiting me irregularly. work opened up another little world to visit but its still not enough. i think ive just felt unsatisfied with life lately, theres just nothing in it and its actually just depressing. a lot more than anyone could think, more than just a motivational slump, its a life slump.every little thing that meant anything doesn't bring the same joy anymore, i play basketball but i lost the happiness in it. i game, even when i win theres no happiness in it and theres just nobody to talk to anymore. theres been times in my life where ive had no one to talk to for a few months but that was okay because there was always other stuff in my life, basketball, some game to play, schoolwork but now its just nothing. and nothings nothing. and when you feel like you've lost everything that ever mattered.. when you think back to times where you could smile, nothing but sadness left here.

i've just been waiting my whole life, just waiting, not chasing, i dont even know what to do. just hoping, can't see it, don't know what else that i can do. don't know why i can't remember, what i thought was right for me.. don't know why. im still chasing. even though i think im waiting. only hoping. can't even take this last breath no more.

im at the age where i can't sit around and let my life play itself out anymore. all my life i've just been waiting and just going with whatever but now in every single step of my life theres new steps to be made, ive realised that but i still can't take those steps. people don't need me in their life anymore. im just that edge of their steps, that crumbles if you walk on it, never part of the middle. only once i've crumbled down can i start to build new better steps.

don't know what it is but i'm feeling really constrained at the moment. it's just hard to breath. hard to think. hard to find myself. not feeling right and theres nothing i can do about it.

i've been dreaming a lot lately. i don't really remember much though. yesterday i dreamt i was in korea once again. its sad really, thinking of all the wants, all the needs, all the shoulds and all the coulds. i don't know what i'm thinking lately, i can't really keep a level mind. i don't even know what i want. i can't get what i need.  i can't follow the shoulds, and i miss out on the coulds. honestly, i don't know what gives me motivation to keep going on to the next day lately, theres just been nothing. these last few weeks just feel empty. don't know what im hoping for either.

three animes that embrace a world i want to live in:
sword art online
clannad
kuroko no basuke

you know when you dream everything is just better. lately time has been going fast for me but everything just seems to be going slow. i don't really have any direction or purpose which im heading in. its sort of like my heads constantly in a dream, everythings blurry like that. maybe its something to do with all this dreamy kpop i've been listening too, pity i lost my ipod otherwise id be blanked out permanently.

i miss how i used to get pumped from music, i think life was just simpler when i was younger, just simpler and easier in general really. never really worried about anything and everything that even concerned me a little were of little importance if i think about it. the most concerning problems in my life were winning my next basketball game, getting another level in flyff etc. now everythings just less simplistic. every single problem has an even larger ever expanding problem on it and one thing leads to another. i feel that every decision i make is going to impact something else in some other way and i can't even follow that process with my brain properly.

also, i think theres something wrong with my mentality, my brain always seems to take priority over my heart with anything concerning love etc. you know what i mean... but honestly, it really does. in the past i was always thinking, if i like somebody i have to stick with them because im not a player etc, im a good person blah blah. and i can control myself like that and it works but.. then i always seemed to look down on everybody else in a way because almost everyone i know has limited self control, for myself at least i can say that i know what im doing 9/10 times with that 1/10 being when im blacked out. its hard to understand what you really want, its a mix of brain and heart, peer pressure amongst other things but in the end the decision made is the one i stick with. even if its caused regret, even if i tell myself i could forgive them and it turned out to lead to regret, even if i tell myself that i do, i should do what i think is right. right? (:

beautiful raw talent.

OMG. hard to find something to top this.
AFTERSCHOOOOL IN 1080P
♥

its hard to pretend you don't care when everything around you tells you otherwise. its even harder to make yourself keep walking, pretending that you don't care. and its hardest when you're falling because you really did care.

i miss this.

i was never right with myself from the beginning, ive never been right with myself.. its just been like that for as long as i can remember. but even then time has passed faster than expected. i can't even contemplate how the six years of high school disappeared before my eyes, i don't even have many memories from it, 6 months in university also disappeared, friends disappeared along with it... time has just been passing. i just feel like theres no more effort left anywhere i look, no one makes an effort..

was just going through my fb photos because i have nothing better to do and i saw my korea photos.. it seriously just brings back memories. even though i never did anything huge or significant, everyday even when i was doing nothing there i was happy. i just loved every aspect of it, i don't know what it was but it makes me sad thinking how that times gone now. i know i should try and treasure the past, learn from it and move to the future because i can't go back etc etc but it doesn't make it any less teary.

ending on a lighter note, the new store owner / fellow basketball team player was with his girlfriend or female acquaintance today and he was like... 'hey cameron, do you think that any girls come here just because of you?' LOL... um, no. haha. my life is nowhere near like a drama, its not coffee prince, its not full house, any high school drama is long gone, once again snapping back to reality.

been listening lately.. whys it hurt a little. :x

its hard to differentiate truth from lies, from the truth you don't want to hear and the truth you need to hear, divided, from the lies you thought were truth and the lies you thought you knew.
lifes easier if i don't try too hard, if i don't think too hard and if only it were that simple. without the doubts, without the worries, without the troubles and you'd be . peaceful .

been living life like a maze, you never know whats around the next corner but you're looking for the end. trying to enjoy it but ever so slightly frustrated at the same time. 

excited.

first basketball game in a while, been watching kuroko no basuke/NBA. motivated.

even if you're scared of moving forward, you can't stand still forever. there is no back as time only moves forward. its alright to be scared of the unknown, you don't know what to expect, you don't know what'll happen next but to embrace it and take that step forward. even though the sun sets, it still rises, both are beautiful.

its hard thinking that theres someone worth waiting for. you muster every ounce of energy within you to tell yourself that maybe theres somebody there for you. one in a million. no. not even one and now you're left without an ounce of energy to even stand up to the point where its hard to breath, head getting dizzy and find it hard to even force a smile.
its too hard for me to face forward anymore.

these two songs bring back too many memories. aches my heart a little.. if only tears could bring you back to me... 

honestly, lately everything has just been hard on me. i don't think i'm taking things well. nothing big is happening but that in itself might be a problem.. i even went to uni today because i just wanted to see friends and in the end, pretty much no one turned up and after, everyones off to chill with friends but me. i don't see what i'm doing wrong sometimes. maybe im just not doing enough, am i not talking to people enough? whenever people talk to me, i always talk its just.. maybe im not interesting who knows.
i guess people just got sick of me and now i've run out of friends now i'm alone in uni. hehh. got nothing to talk about.

and seriously, today i realised even further how unattractive white people are compared to asians. but if you're fat, you just lose in general (:

sometimes, its just empty inside y'know. i don't find humour in anything, im not smiling, im not frowning. im just not doing anything. sometimes i just blank out a little and then i look back at the clock and time has flown by for some reason and i don't even know what i've been doing for that past 5, 10, 20 minutes

theres not enough to smile about. no matter how i look at it, im always taken for granted to the point where im looking in the mirror and not even knowing myself. eighteen years of nothing. i know ive been disregarded. im not somebody that people look to, only when im right in their face and theres no other way to look. ive tried every approach but when it comes down to it, im only living for myself. sometimes you just need the reassurance that you matter. seeking that in different ways, i feel like life has become a game where im constantly trying to prove myself  to no one but myself. im the player and the judge and inevitably the game over.

i think i hold myself accountable for too many things. i keep my responsibility too high, i always look out for others and never take care of myself. everyone i know i would be willing to give more to them then i would ever receive, and i have, time after time. these sort of things are meant to be built on trust. i just find myself dissatisfied with everything lately, myself included.

for once i think i miss being able to talk about something with a little more meaning in my life to people, to someone. reminds me of the time i was on the phone for 7-8 hours which is something because if anyone knew me i don't really like to talk on the phone much, most of the time i can't even be bothered to talk.. sad memories.

you know for the most advanced living organisms on this planet, humans are really simple. people try to complicate themselves but honestly they need to accept simplicity. if you're happy, life is good. if you're sad, life is shit. if you're angry, then you're fucked. if you like someone, admit it. people should be in control of themselves and their emotions, its all mentality. i hate it when people try to avoid themselves, they deny the truth, toss themselves deeper into a pointless complication where being honest makes it that much simpler.

people should be able to ask any question without worry, look ill answer it any question truthfully the best i can because its stupid to lie to others and its even stupider to lie to yourself.

try me

when life hands you hardship, you need the strength to pull through. there is no hope if you don't believe. what hope is there if you can't trust in your friends. what hope is there if you don't even believe in yourself. in life, theres just too many problems, not everything can be solved, you solve one thing and another pops up. i know i can never be worry free, but if you're content that is enough. i think that i keep my dreams too high, i know i keep them too high but if i don't keep believing that one day something might happen then i can't step into the next day. all i have left are these shattered dreams and broken hope without the determination to believe. what am i even talking about.. my life used to be more eventful than this.

friendship.. when you lose the friend, all you have is the ship and its sinking. i read that from my facebook status. its sort of true though. everyday im fighting to keep my friends, making it seem like its an effort i just don't see the worth anymore. i don't see any worth in anything i do. and its late and i don't even know what im talking about so im just going to sleep. all i wrote was misguided thoughts. my heart just hurts lately and i dont know whats wrong. it just feels like im missing something.. i dont wanna talk about it anymore.

i want an awkward encounter. i want something to break me out of the ordinary cycle. i want to be able to want something, to genuinely wake up from this.

what hope was there to begin with. all im ever doing is trying to escape.

its funny how everything comes back on you. i try to get over unrealistic expectations, people are too amazing. kpop stars, jiyeon, hyorin, ailee, BoA, IU, CL... the list goes on. i turn myself to more realistic expectations and im still shut down in life. i can't bring myself to do anything, i can't bring myself to move on, i can't bring myself to break through that glass wall and in the end i'm just standing here crushed. i keep telling myself to never give up, never give up hope that something will come around. never stop believing. but everytime i tell myself that its just like an overwhelming wave just breaking me. im broken, im down and out for the last time. don't try to spur any motivation into me. don't try to make me happy because all i will do is put on a smile. laugh it out. if you notice the small things, you may notice but honestly, nothing can bring me back up except time. byebye.

i woke up to this. feeling just a little bit more human.

somebody accidently leaned on my leg today, made me remember the value of human touch. its really hard being alone but sometimes its really just meant to be. i can't help but look down on people lately, i just pity their existence. i realised how much i really love koreans. somethings in life are just unattainable.

dream high 2 is amazing. jiyeon is really pretty and look ailee and hyorin and omg, they're all just ridiculously cute. makes me feel so incomplete. i look around, they're just my age but their life is so much more complete. mine is just empty... without reason. there is no equivalent exchange in life. everyones not born equal and the way i live, all i see other people do is take. i've taken myself out of their world because its just easier not existing. where everything is do is meaningless. this drama gives me that tingle of happiness once a week and in these last five episodes, these last five hours, its going to be painful watching it end. like life, you're meant to make the most out of it but in the end, when you're at the end, all you're doing is looking at the end.

i have no ambition. i have no determination. people lately have been calling me weak and its true. in every single aspect as a person, im weak. all i can do is dream of an unrealistic fantasy, all i can do is sit here miserably at 4am in the morning by myself staring blankly at the wall wondering. the next few days are going to be left empty too. i will sit here and if im lucky, it will at least rain to give me something to look at. i used to hate the rain but all i can do now is hope for winter. rain drowns away the sorrows and brings different kinds of pain. everything i ever wanted in this world is out of reach and im crying in my own abyss. i could talk endlessly about complaints but when i talk to people all i can do is face them with a smile, laugh things off and just talk for the sake of talking. maybe i wasn't meant to have my own happiness but just slide into the normality of this world, flow into the lifestream where everyone is closer than they think but loneliness is draped around their neck tighter than any winter scarf.

people come in and exit out of your lives like its nothing. theyre nothing. people who don't treat you right have no place in your life. people don't get to spend quality time with that many people during their lives, if the person doesn't deserve it, they're not worth it. everyones on a clock. time is ticking. time is ticking away. honestly, sometimes i sit here and wonder why do i talk with this person. why do i still check my formspring tab here when i havent been asked a question in almost a month. why do i still blog, who do i tumblr, theres only self satisfaction left in any of this. why do i respond when they say hi. im expired but, my prime is over. im worthless honestly. if i keep living like this, sickness will take me early. been through hell already, no room in heaven.

when the little hope you had is shattered, all you can do is live a dream.

ps. that picture is indescribably stunning.

sometimes, when the world tells you otherwise, you have to accept it. some things are not meant to be. if you try to hard, it only makes it harder.. its that wave again. that confidence wave crashing down to nothing and sitting here telling myself, not good enough once again. i cant help it, when i see someone whos just amazing, self confidence overflowing and reason for it, i really cant help it but hurt. it just does. even if you try not to care, even if you tell yourself theres someone someday, even if you make yourself believe.. maybe  i really am just weak. because all i really ever had was hope.

NAK x WY-I - Night Sky

love this song atm.

really pretty. reminds me of somebody. my life is definently pointless right now, it has always been pointless and everything ive done in my life has been pointless and wasted. how many friends have i made over the years.. what university course am i doing.. nothing substantial in my life. i haven't even changed anyone else's life. i dont know how i even made it this far. sometimes you need to do something, know something that you did changed something. even if its a little. or made a difference to someone elses life. someone who isn't there for pity. who isn't there for their own self satisfaction.

too many selfish people in this world.

kahi is so pretty. i can't believe she's 31. im missing korea more than ever, i think coming back to australia killed me mentally and physically.

i will miss you korea. at times i didn't realise it, as the saying goes, you don't realise you've lost something until its gone. i knew i'd love korea and now i'm back in australia, every moment here seems like a waste. the people, the atmosphere everything here just kills me a little bit inside. i don't think people will ever be able to actually appreciate how much i hate australia compared to korea. if i had a choice, i would drop my life here and go there in a second without hesitation but life doesn't give you many choices thats why when opportunities come, you must take them (:

off alone into another unknown land. stuck where no one respects my decisions or choices once again. where i stop and wonder why do i bother again and again and again.

everything just seems like its wearing me down. nobody helps lighten the load, it only gets heavier and its getting harder to keep standing strong. the only thing left are merely dreams, hope... the impossible.

when you've come to this point, all you can do is stand hopeless and alone pitying yourself.

the pain you left me, the pain you made, it will stay forever. whenever i think of that time, all the times that you lost my trust it just stirs me up and renews that pain. people aren't worth the effort. i've heard it time and time again, if people want to be in your life, they'll make the effort. all i feel lately is im forcing myself.. im forcing myself to make conversations with people, im forcing myself for everything. ive lost my energy mentally, not physically and nothings worth anything anymore.

girls, no matter how beautiful you are. you're not worth the chase.
guys, no matter how much you say, your actions don't follow it.
friends, where are you when i need you, im only there for your convenience.

im not some second option, fuck off.

love doesn't die over time or age or anything else.
it dies from lack of effort, insecurities, fear. your weaknesses.