redemption.

everyone always judges and labels one another, they can't help it. it's part of human nature thats why there are so many different words to categorise people. standardising them. stereotyping etc. the fact is even when one person is made up of so many different ways to describe people, people always look at the most negative aspects and label them. for example, you could be a volunteer worker your whole life but one day you slip up and accidently hit someone with a car. you'll be the person who killed someone not somebody who gave their life to helping other people. it's as simple as that and that is why one mistake or one action can change peoples perspective of you forever.

first impressions are really important, when someone forms an image of you that image is most likely to stay with them for the majority of the period you know them and determines whether one mistake or one action, if not too severe, will change their perspective of you, thats why i always try to be nice to everyone around me nowdays even though my feelings and heart have grown numb. i think that people always have negative perceptions about me and thats why i dont have many friends or people around me. maybe its more to do with the fact that i dont care if i have friends or people around me anymore. i can be nice to everyone around me but the fact is that they're still going to disappear from my life and forget about me also. i'm not someone whos easily remembered. memories involving me must be easy to forget. i'm just someone whos easy to forget, whos actions mean little to nothing and i'm just a bystander in other people's lives.

i've lost the will to do a lot of things anymore and everything seems to take more effort than it needs to but i keep pushing on smiling because thats the only way to hide this insecure anxiety thats pent up inside me and hurting and tightening around my heart, i find it hard to breathe normally, maybe i have cancer who knows. it wouldnt surprise me, luck never favoured me. i know how to behave infront of certain people, i know what sort of face to put on... it hurt the other day when i was feeling off and i wasn't putting on that face properly and people at work were asking me what was wrong with me, i don't look as happy as normal. the fact is im not happy, i never was happy and i find it hard to ever be happy throughout my whole life, im barely even content at times. i can't even string my sentences together properly. lately, weeks are just blurring together. i worked over 50 hrs this week and i don't even feel tired. i've played LoL twice in the last month and i don't even know what i've been doing with my time anymore.

i removed everyone who was following and who i was following from my blogger and changed my chatbox. trying a fresh start doesn't mean anything not like anyone reads my blog anyway. its just my own personal box of introvertedness.