redemption.

seoul. i miss it in more ways than anyone can imagine. i was only there for two weeks, barely went out, hundreds of people surrounding me who i couldnt communicate with and was freezing from head to toe. i didn't feel it, it didn't even matter to me, everything was so perfect in an indescribable way and i never felt so at peace with myself in my life then there even when i was alone.

i've said it time and time again but i really wish my life was like an anime or drama more than ever. it knocks away all the complexities that tie us down to life, bound and unable to break free. i think its just that emptiness really tears me up sometimes. no matter how much i try to think optimistically about life, everywhere i look theres nothing to smile about. the things that i do smile about are fantasy, surreal and impossible for me. if only i could turn back time? if only i could do this, do that... if only. its impossible and even when i know it, it doesn't make it any better. 

i think the harsh realisation is that you can't go back. you can't go forward, you can only look forward and live in the present. thinking how i can never have those same memories again.. its just too much.. i can't breathe properly and now i just can't string my words together.