redemption.

i honestly don't think people realise how hard it is being half white. i have to live with the disadvantages, have to live with the shit i cope, and live with the crap it brings with it. im not included into the white community but im not included properly into the asian community either. i can't speak any asian language well and ... its just sad. everything about it, don't even want to talk about it.

hypothetically speaking, people sacrifice a lot for their friends, they let a lot of things go that they really shouldn't let go, they do a lot of things that people seriously don't deserve even a little and worst of all, they do it with a smiling face. sometimes that face can't stay there, its not something you can just stick on and leave it like there. sometimes... honestly, no matter how much you want something, no matter how much you wish things would be that way, no matter how much you ... they say that if you try hard enough for something, you will succeed. you know what i say? fucking bullshit. its all fucking bullshit. i've tried hard my whole life and i've gotten nowhere. im eighteen and alone as ill say once fucking again and i'm not even doing well in school. i don't have much of a social network, woo for facebook thingo reference.. but fuck. fuckity fuck fuck fuck. all of this is bullshit. you know, i honestly put my whole hearted effort into some things and it doesn't even remotely pay off. take for example my trial exams, i honestly studied more than any other student in my school for those exams, you could not have studied more than me in that period of time unless you sleep less than me which i highly doubt. and look what it gave me, last place in half my subjects and bottom 20 in the rest. fucking joke. life is a fucking joke. everythings a fucking joke. eighteen years living a fucking joke. sick of it. and the saddest thing is like, hypothetically speaking, if you just cry it out nothings going to happen, if you try to make something happen, nothings going to happen and unless you just act against all morals and ethics, nothing is going to happen. fact of my life.