redemption.

i find people who comfort people through lies the worst. people who place excuses for their wrong actions. you're not only lying to yourself but you're lying to everyone. and thats not helping, thats just wrong. some people really don't understand morals behind things. they're too weak as a person to take action and face consequences by themselves, they force their problems on others and blame other things for their actions. theres a limit to indecisiveness. i know im indecisive and don't make the right actions at the time but the difference is when it matters, i make decisions. when i do something wrong, i fix it. sometimes theres nothing to be fixed, people create problems out of nothing. flaw in this society. flaw in this world. some people need to get real, this ain't no fantasy no matter how much you wish it were. there are too many things i wish were different in my life, too many regrets but i have to live past that because you can't move forward unless you know where you're going.

heads up and smile because one day. someday. something will go right.

most annoying song ever. na na na na na na na na (:

theres actually surges of shitness sometimes, where you just feel so crap about everything. nothing is going right, you feel like your days are wasted and here you are standing there being hopeless, useless and fucking alone. its a joke. i don't know how many times i have to say it. i look around me and everyone is having a good time, its really not the same trying to be like that. everyone is happy. everyone is content. theres moments where they're not but overall they're content with how they're living. they're content with how the world is and they're just fucking complacent with the world. its times like this where i sit and reflect on just everything. and realise just wow.

last 55 hours of 2011. it was the year that started off messed. hsc year and worse. was trying to find myself a little more because thats what you do when you're young. trying to mature. trying to realise the hardships of the world and learn and become better from your mistakes. well at least thats what ive been trying to do. you cant become better by just doing nothing. you gotta take action. thats one thing ive learned. nothing happens for no reason, sometimes things happen for no reason. too complicated. too much worry. year of just too much everything. and its ended just.. weak.

ps. was just reading through some of my old blogposts. its funny how i can actually remember ever single one of them and why i typed them up.

friendship requires trust. friendship requires effort. and most of all, you actually need to care.

theres been a wave of relationships around me lately. i dont know when they stopped caring but they did. people in this world expect too much. you only deserve to expect if you're prepared to give.

when i look at myself in the mirror each day i get more and more disgusted. it began small, but it grew. when i was a kid i didn't give it a second thought, but when apperance starts to matter, its not funny anymore. people keep saying that life and relationships is about personality, apperance and intelligence. hah. failing hard in all three. becoming more and more indecisive and just leaving whatever happens to happen. nothing is happening in my life. not one thing. even when i take initiative to try, nothing is happening. it just puts limitations on my life. most of my good friends are in relationships and yeah, that pretty much excludes me from most of their life. i can't stand 3rd wheeling, its painful. its not the actual feeling that im there while they're together. its knowing that they're happy smiling and all in front of me and here i am sitting alone. always alone. and then it makes me just think, know, im not fucking good enough. don't tell me otherwise. its not optimistic to pretend that i have a hope. i am ready to lock myself up, but i dont think i could cope.

just wanna escape. just wanna be happy.
stuck in this same trap again. insignificance.. fuck.

i just can't. i freeze up. there is nothing in this world that i can compare to you. you're floating, out of reach.
there are people like this in my world, i feel no matter how hard i try, i can't be with them, i can't talk with them, i can't even be near them. there in no confidence, there is no stigma to it. i just feel i don't deserve anything. because honestly, no one cares. they just don't care.

sitting here thinking, hoping, pain is only temporary.

made my day, never knew i could laugh and get a little emotional so fast, was reading someones tumblr:

- Alcohol comes in, truth comes out.
Food comes in, shit comes out.

learning little bits about people is interesting. it actually really is. shit like this actually makes me wish i had someone. its okay.. KOREA SOON. got less then a month to hold in for cameron.
never knew music could make such an impact when you're reading things.

why does everything always have to be so messy. everyone is just going and going and going. why is there ever a rush. im meant to be in the happiest and longest break of my life and all i see is trust being broken around me. i try to trust people, time and time again, give them a chance no matter what i hear. if they fuck up, i still give them another chance. i don't even know why. people don't deserve second chances sometimes. they really dont. something bad happened to a close friend of mine today and theres nothing i can do about it. i don't care if he gets angry at me for no reason when all ive ever done is care about him and got his back but i do care if he gets hurt. fumed hard for a while. i think ive just been edging to hit someone lately. theres so many people who deserve it and i need that adrenaline rush to keep me going. life has been the shits and nothings gonna make it better.

i've realised the people i know. the friends i have. its miniscule, its not even significant. i need close friends. i just need people to talk to and make my existence seem something you know? only got one. and the others always just too far away.
well.. no regrets. never regret anything because once it was something you wanted. trying to never look back.

ps. i still want a dog. and that photo reminds me of someone. miss talking to them. least someone was talking to me.

didn't know something so pretty could make you feel so sad. brings back other worries and fades others.

time and time again all people do is prove my point. i don't need to hear things i know are wrong. i don't owe them anything. i owe no person in this world anything except my parents for giving birth to me. i am the judge of my own emotion and actions, i choose what i do, i choose what i say, its not your right or anyone elses to say what im feeling. seriously, people these day just.. wow. don't understand anything. find your own explanation.

i just find it hard to comprehend with people these days. i find myself constantly dumbing myself down for people. why the fuck do i need to explain every little thing i say in minute detail. why do you even need to know?... just wow. im not a mindreader. neither are you. but im not stupid. and hopefully im not the only one in this world. its just that people have no concept of anything right now. fun. time. money. life isn't a game. you shouldn't treat it like one. still, people are way too serious about things. not everything means something but still little things mean something. life is spent differentiating those.

just want to be able to spend my time. happy. its not going to come to me in this life ive been living.

its either everything you're saying is shit or all im hearing is shit. all i hear nowdays is self egotistical bullshit. sometimes i try to think optimistically and pretend that everyone feels the same deepness regarding certain emotions but no. you really don't. don't even begin to start to me about your boredom, don't even begin to talk about how lonely you are. you don't even know the meaning.
two. i don't know if you'll read this, but look here mate. i'm the one looking out for your cheese while you're having a fucking smoke when you know she doesn't like it. i didn't lay a hand on her because i respect that you liked her. i made sure no one else went too far but when you did that, fuck that. you're not worth helping. if you even tried to hit me.. no ones going to save you. don't say shit like that, it just breaks how i thought that friendship is built on trust. especially regarding that sort of thing. im not a fucking snake.


some people really don't change.
they're the same person in and out. my first impression holds strong, i try to think optimistic when people do or say things. give them another chance. its really not worth it. i used to just take it, think thats the best i can do. i need friends at this point in my life so even if they're bad friends, no, i'll still be their friends but no. i don't fucking need you. the only friends i need are friends who actually genuinely care about me, not to appease their own self interests, but are willing to sacrifice for me at least a part of how much id sacrifice for them. im always the one sacrificing in every fucking aspect. money, girls, time, effort. everything. and honestly, i can't stay like that forever. im over hypocritical people, take for example, i know someone who says that theres not enough giving in the world and everyone only wants to receive. look at them, they're the one receiving and i haven't got jackshit from them in my life.





life is as meaningless as this rain at the moment. it can come and go. might get blown up when i go korea because kim jong il died. i might get hit by a tree branch and killed when i walk by something. i might be jumped and bottled in the head and die from internal bleeding... the meaninglessness just keeps pouring down.

when you trudge through life, any little thing can make you smile. equally though it can break you. its easier to be hurt then be happy. theres so many little things you wish for in life but honestly the only thing that would make a difference right now is something big. little things add up, but they don't last. big things eventually fade. i don't even know what im saying but i need one. and one only.

i can't get over what an amazing guitar player he is. just watching it alone makes me want to play guitar. i wish i had a right handed guitar right now. or a dog. need something entertaining and free in my life.

i want a dog so bad right now. needs to fill in the human affection i don't receive. my mum tried to give me a stuffed dog, and said that if i got a dog she could kick it in one kick across the room.
also asked that the reason i don't have a girlfriend is because of :
- poor social skills
- financially poor
- poor looking
im not going to tell you my answer :\ i really need a dog in my life right now. when im at home for hours alone, just sit and talk and play with it. D:

there are things that just remind you of people. its worse when you've been around them, think about them so much that you do those things by instinct. especially when you don't want to remember some of those things because it just hurts. i feel like everything i do, everything i say, im just repeating myself or someone elses words. my life is going in circles, its the same shit.

all my expectations, all my anything which was anything is just... disappeared. standards remain the same, yet my expectations of people just dropped. its hard being one in seven billion sometimes. you think you're unique, you wish you were unique, you wish you were better than the guy next to you. but in reality, you're really not. people used to tell me i have self esteem issues, and yeah, so what. i can cover it. like ive said before. its easy. when i smile, it means im happy, when i laugh, it means i find something amusing, when i cry, it means im sad. but action and emotion are two different things.

honestly, i just feel bad inside. not regarding anything in particular, i just feel bad. i feel so crap that it just makes me want to chuck myself away. i know i need motivation in my life. i know i need something to keep me going, keep me happy. i keep telling myself, don't worry, you'll find it soon, you'll find it someday. but even one minute now feels like a year. its too hard. its just too hard now.

and really, its just me left here. using these random different colours to make it seem like its a happier post. best weeks of my life? i can't be satisfied with temporary. i need something lasting in my life. its hard... the pursuit of happiness. 

the once beautiful fringe that lay across my forehead. covered my insecurities, covered my worries and when it sat perfect across my head it felt like nothing could ever go wrong. better than a mullet, better than anything you could ever want or need. that one feeling was enough to make my day, and it did, day after day during my high school years. until it now lays in the trash somewhere. those beautiful strands of hairs now lay... god knows where.

i still brush my hand across my forehead, wishing, thinking it is there. but i cut it for one reason only.


i imagine this song playing, for some reason.

John O'Callaghan feat. Sarah Howells - Find Yourself (Cosmic Gate Remix)

appreciating the smaller things in life that make it whole. other people are other people and i am myself. it doesn't matter what anyone says, what anyone thinks about me or anyone else around me, because everyone is themselves. as long as you know who you are, thats good enough. if you can live with who you are, thats good enough. if you can live with yourself, knowing the decisions you've made, the things you've said, the things you've done, thats good enough. when you overthink things, you don't think rationally anymore, you say things you don't really mean because you don't know how to say them and it really is just better to let things take you where they take you.. mm. i think its better to just take people from how you see them, not to assume what type of person they are, not to assume they'll fuck you over, not to assume that they're an exploitative, pathetic person who doesn't deserve to be treated with the respect you treat them with because, assuming is just as good as believing right.

don't you want a moment where you can tell someone, she is my weakness, she is my reason, she is my everything. that moment when all worries disappear and its just you two. when you're perfectly comfortable with one another. its just hard now. my heart is uneasy, my body feels weak and it just like im only living on each next day hoping for better. people say you deserve better. deserving and getting are two different things. even if you deserve the best person in the world possible who would treat you right and love you indefinently, make you happy and just be there for you forever, you may get nothing. even if you deserve the scum of the earth, you may get a beautiful person.. nothing is fair.

listening to its not easy - five for fighting..
don't even know why.

penguins my second favourite animal, panda first, something with black and white. and it got yellow beak too i guess, MULTICULTURAL!
far out asians are cute.

i wish i had a beautiful place, waterfall or something where i can just lie and relax. i've become stuck lately. wishing for things to happen, nothing happening... people always say the guy has to take initiative in things, not just in relationship-like things, just anything. it makes me just sit here sometimes and think, why bother when effort only turns into...

well, was reading a friends blogpost, made me think some more... i try to live a life with no regrets but inevitably thats impossible. even now im regretting being at home. im regretting so many things at once its hard to hold in. everyone has their problems, and although you want to help your friends with their problems sometimes its just hard handling everyones problems. i've been doing it all my life, never shouldering my problems with others and accepting theirs. my friend was telling me, you and me we both got problems, don't try to think they're any different. we all still feel the same. don't try to think your pain or my pain is any harder. your problem or my problem is any harder. everyone has been through tough experiences. but in the end, regret turns you into a better person, it makes you able to differentiate between right and wrong, between good and bad, between what you truly believe is right.

they also said never having your first kiss at 16, never being in a relationship.. its funny how im 18. never had a girlfriend too. when i see people around me going at it, all coupley and shit it shifts my thoughts a little but not in the same way. like my wonderful friend was telling me once again, theres no point being in a relationship with a girl unless she's the one. if you really love her and if you know she's the one then no one can tell you otherwise. i wonder if im waiting for that. :\ don't even know what im doing lately.

time just flying by, literally alone.

a history of playing girls? don't give me that shit. you asked me about it already, the girl and my other friend held my hand first and when she tried to go further i backed off. thats not playing girls. if a girl likes you and you don't do anything straight out does that make you a dickhead? does that make you a cunt? holy shit, you don't even understand the level of ignorance you're showing by typing and showing off things like that. relationships between people isn't something that is meant to be made public for the world to see. its between those two people, you're not involved. im over it now, i honestly don't even need to remotely justify myself to someone who can't be talked with reasonably. when i tell people things i tell it directly to them. wake up.

live life as it comes, if you were happy in the moment, there is no need to regret that moment. life is full of happy and sad things.

since your friend doesn't have the courtesy to remain decent, and i don't have the patience to remain neutral im going to say everything that shaped this choice:

• your friend pushed us into it in the first place. i was on the bridge and i only wanted you as my formal date because you were the most compatible person at the time but your friend took that as more and tried to force things.
• you never talked to me enough. im not a brick wall, even more recently i've noticed how much i need friends and if i were to get into a relationship with someone i wouldn't want to talk to them once a week and see them once a month, not even and you live far far away.
• sometimes the things you like, the things you do, the things you find important, the things which aren't important, even more so supported by your ignorant friends messed up ideas, it pushes me away even further.
• you have your hsc, i don't have my hsc. our morals and priorities are different. our ideas surrounding a lot of things aren't in line and i never felt comfortable around you once in my life.
• even though you were a great friend, and thats all i wanted it to be, you and your friends kept pushing it and pushing it and it got to the stage where i just let it go on. but when someone incessantly pushes you into something or onto something, its natural instinct to not want to. we never did anything. and thats that. when i see your reaction, not even giving me a response, when i see your friends actions, swearing their head off at me, two-faced as. it makes me realise how little i regret ending it now rather than later. don't pretend that you liked me that much when you barely talked to me, when you were hanging out and talking with other guys more than me. when we met like five times in our lives. life is too overrated for that. live your own life, move on with your own life and change into a better person because you, and especially your friend, needs to mature more. honestly, i find it hard to even bother writing up this because i honestly feel like you don't deserve it anymore. i don't need to justify myself because i know with my heart that it was the right decision.

life is about living every moment you have, living a life of no regrets because like my really close friend always tells me:
-  nothing kills you except the last thing.

tagged by huy:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

4. Tag as many friends.

5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.

6. Have Fun!

and yeah, i'm that bored lately.

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
don't love you no more - craig david
LOL. :L

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
It will rain - bruno mars
hahahhha, thats a little emo.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Long Kiss Good Bye - HALCALI
LOLLLLL.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Maybe - Sunye (Wondergirls)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE PURPOSE?
The Heart of Worship - Hillsong
ngaw.. christianity.. hahha.

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Mirror - Lil Wayne ft. Bruno Mars

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Glitter - Ayumi Hamasaki
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... wow, this is getting a little stupid. (:

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Like a G6 - FEM Ft. The Cataracs & Dev
BAHAHAHA, my parents think im g. =]

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Always and Forever - Deestylistics
those lyrics are actually quite devo.

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
Please Don't Try - Maribelle Anes
OMGGGGGGGG. its funny how it actually makes sense..

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Lollipop - Big Bang Ft. 2NE1
... i hope that doesn't mean what im thinking.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Selfish - Asia Cruise
wow, im selfish :\

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Dango Daikazoku - Clannad OST
OMGGIUGREIGERUIGBHUIEG this is actually hilarious. from this point im moving it to my actual blog.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
사.계.후 (Love Still Goes On) - SHINEE
ngaw, thats actually sorta sweet. but i guess the song doesn't really suit it. only song title.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Gee - SNSD
......... this is the most entertainment i've had all day.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Love & Roll - Supercell
aw.. its a little too happy isn't it. guess its okay. (:

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Eat you up - BoA
OKAYYYYYYYY. what's up with this. :L

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
To the same heights - clannad
... thats actually sort of true. going to the same heights, going to the same lengths and meeting people's expectations etc. its hard to do because you have that fear of failure.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Hangover - Florida ft. taio cruz
LOLOLOL. it's hilarious how this is legitly coming on as my next song when i press next.
i've never had a hangover :) dont worry.

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Never change - J. Han Ft. Sam Ock
this makes me sad now. i really wanted it to never change, those days at the beach house and even the parties leading up to it i was filled with the most happiness i've ever had in my life and i can say that i never regret one moment of those last 5 days.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Got To Love You - Sean Paul Ft. Alexis Jordan
... forever because like i told someone yesterday, after my family my friends have become my next top priority. thats how it should be, because true friends that can make you smile, make you into a better person and believe in you and care for you are irreplaceable. some fake visage such as swearing your head off behind someones back when your friend gets hurt, thats just pathetic.

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
I'll be Fine - Stevie Hoang
i wont be fine.. :\

saddest and loneliest feeling ever. i miss my friends so much. you know when you say you miss something, this time, for me, its the only time ive ever truly missed something so much it hurts. WAH.

i've come to that point in life where nothing really matters at all. not one little thing matters. my morals are still there, i stay by my friends because they're the only ones, along with my family, who are going to be there at the end of the day. people are overrated, they are made out to be so much more complex and all, sometimes you think there is more to a person but in the end they're just how you perceived them to be. how you wish you didn't perceive them to be and its just... you really just don't care anymore.

i'm over the stage of everything, i miss good friends like felix who are responsible and just live life the way it takes him, i really respect him for it. i saw him for the first time in a while the other day, realised how much i missed him, had to tell him. (: its those moments when you feel you have to say something, not our of necessity of the situation, not out of pity or anything else just because its true and they deserve to know it. but seriously, the world is made out to be so much more complex than it is, its people, the way they think and how they do things that make things more complex, live life simple. when you have enough time to not care about things, thats when these things really sink in. im honestly just at the stage where i don't care. not a great thing, but not a bad thing.

^ i forgot to post everything above the other day. i had it typed up x)

anyways, im listening to adele - someone like you by sungha jung like the instrumental and thats devo enough. he's seriously an amazing guitar player, it makes me want to play but i only have left handed guitars in my house and i lack motivation to do anything. i don't even know what im doing anymore, money is just disappearing before my hands. its really quite sad. :\

i have nothing much to say except that yesterday will be a day i will never, ever forget - to the grave.

my wish came true in a weird way. 11:11 11/11/11 you messed with me.

you know that feeling when you know that people are talking about you but you can't do jackshit about it. whether its genuine reason, good or bad. its still happening. i find it amusing how i wrote a peer pressure essay for japanese like an hour before i got peer pressured. almost gave in but there wasn't a decent hairdresser. heads up to that at least, but honestly. i just want a decent haircut and stop worrying about all this shit people keep giving to me. its really amusing sometimes, its funny how my hairs just so fucked up nowdays.

i honestly do not know what is coming on with each day that i see ahead. i just want something, anything to happen. anything.but for that reason and that reason only i must take any opportunities that come before me. never miss out on anything, never give up on anything and keep a positive attitude no matter what because thats all i can do. :D

heres a picture of my fat little self when i use to do martial arts. i miss it.. look at all those noobs around me, i'm the boss in my black uniform. HECTIC. :D this is how you do its kids, bow to master cameron... HAHAHA. another regret.

like today never happened...

it's stuck in my head. :x i really dislike meaningful things sometimes, it just makes everything more intense, too much pressure and im not good with it. life is based on assumptions, especially around me, everyone always assumes this about me, everyone always assumes that what i do or say means this. no. honestly, sometimes when i do something, it means nothing. not one thing. nothing at all. i guess thats the difference between intention and action. if i intend for that action to mean something it means something, if i don't then it means nothing. LOL. what am i even saying?

life is easier forgetting the past. in my past in particular there have only been bad memories with specks of good things that fade too fast. people always say forget the past but i think its easier with me. honestly, you can never forget the past, especially if an action hurt you deeply, hurt other people or was just that significant that it affected people around you.. but even though life is filled with those regrets, forgetting is never easy. forgiving is easier. i guess thats why there is the saying forgive and forget, forgetting comes after.. LOL what am i saying again.

i just think that life is really too short and your youth is too short to let opportunities pass by. like the other night, i really didn't want to go because i knew what to expect, i knew what was going to happen around me, honestly not one thing was out of my expectations.. maybe its because my expectations are so low of myself and just.. don't know how to say. but everytime i go out at night, i come home feeling as lonely as ever, whiplash effect! hahh... i don't think what im typing lately really reflects anything that i'm actually thinking. but here i am again, typing away. [:

when you're up at 4:30am and you have an exam in two days... HECTIC. LOL.
jokes.

i need to sleep before 6:30 otherwise my dad will get up and be like wtf. D: probably not good :\ ITS SO HOT BUT... i'm talking to myself again.

i really can't think straight lately, its like im not even thinking ahead and just going with whatever happens. well not completely but like, i know whats happening but at the same time i don't. its just all lost. i need a job, no more exams soon, i want to go out, i need friends to go out with, i actually wanna go out everyday, i feel so lonely when im at home by myself.. blah blah. life goes on.

i know my hair won't look as nice if i cut it but i think im going to have to regardless. forever alone forever.

hectic round two~ jokes... was pretty much the same as i expected once again but to top it off it was even more empty today than yesterday which was just tragic. i'm well over it and honestly, i knew i didn't wanna go, i went anyway and although i owe one of my friends one for looking out for me, i still didn't have that great of a time especially since everyone just left so early. come for 3 hours, laters... another $70 gone. fun... if it wasn't for that mate i would've probably done something that i definently would've regretted plus he cheered me up so heads up to him. great mate. no one came out of that club with a mangled face from me due to him. [:

anyways, im pretty much over everything at this point in time. nothing really makes any difference and im just living on each day without knowing whats coming next. i still have HSC on wednesday, last exam and then i should be going off but it really won't be any different. lifes puzzling that way.. im up for round three, 1T.

dare you to move, like today never happened, today never happened.. maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell, where can you run to escape from yourself......

its hard to get up each day and move, honestly. its getting harder and harder to forget and forgive and everyday when i try, its honestly like im just running into a wall. im getting nowhere and its only hurting myself. my eyes are so dry that they can't even get teary properly, thats what i get for staying up all night talking to myself.. its a bad habit. 20 minute power nap sleep. yay.. but truly, and honestly, its just too hard. i can tell myself, hey cameron, get up, try and have fun and give everything and anything your best and live with no regrets but when it comes down to it, my poker face still on, most of the time anyway, i try... and try... and in the end im down 100 and feeling just as crap as i was yesterday if not worse. cheers to my friends but for having a good night. everyone had fun, i had the best sleep of my life.

theres so much to be grateful for in this world, theres just so many beautiful things that i should be grateful for, that i want to be grateful for but everything just feels fucking emptier than nothingness.

you try time and time again and you get let down. you let yourself down. in the end its only yourself you're letting down. everything just makes it seem like whats the point in putting effort into anything. i wish i could just tell myself i don't care, just lie down and forget everything but its impossible. especially when you're sitting by yourself alone for hours and hours on a shitty rainy day.

eshays lads, one week til last exam!

devo life. got beaten 0-60 by a bmw x5. i don't give a shit if its a v8. my feelings are hurt. LOL. D: i really wish i could drive manual. chuck me an rx-7 please.

nothing else significant to talk about. my life is like a black abyss, can't think of anything!

its funny how good things can turn into bad things so suddenly.
take for example, you're playing adventure quest and then bam. you realise the two hours you just spent playing it was wasted because you can't get that item without being guardian. T life.
honestly, im sick of my T life. i realised it really doesn't matter what anybody says to me because nothing is gonna change.
words mean nothing besides actions. and actions mean nothing if you don't think about them before you do them. all links back to what people truly think and desire. but i can't think, i got high blood pressure which means my heads gonna blow up. blood vessels bursting, woooo...

nba2k12.
there goes the rest of my HSC. wahh, must resist.

im feeling a little bit better after long sleep. my minds more clear and everything. its really almost the end of HSC and i gotta get out there in the real world, get a proper job so i can actually have money to go out and all that. looking forward to it. heads up!

i find it really really hard to respect people who pretend they like one person and then oblivious to other people hitting on them but then reciprocate that person's flirtations... its just hard to respect people like that. like actually. people can't be oblivious to people cheesing with them honestly, theres a limit. you know when someone is cheesing with you or you're just not very smart, sorry. and if you know you're cheesing with multiple people, then theres something wrong with you, especially if you're seeing one person, like actually established that you're seeing each other. those people aren't worth your time, better to ignore them and move on with life. people who can't respect your feelings for them by playing around with other people too, they don't fucking deserve your feelings and efforts. they don't fucking deserve shit all.  and no, that wasn't hypothetical. people aren't so stupid to not notice when you're flirting with other people, just be honest with yourself and man the fuck up and stop being a fucking massive cheesewhore. its one of the most unattractive and pathetic things, it doesn't even make other guys jealous its just a turn off.

two seasons of nba2k11 and im finally 99 overall.
woo....

thats just fucking disrespectful, shallow and pathetic. people who are rude themselves, talk shit and just plain disrespectful to others, blocking people who are having a chat which is actually meaningful or just talking. its still disrespectful you don't go bitch like a fucking disgusting little rat to all your little ugly little shitcunt friends and then get them to talk shit from over 20metres away. you think thats fucking tough? no its the lowest of the low. you shouldn't even be standing, go dig a hole and bury yourself under it so no one has to see you or listen to the shit that comes from your mouth.

i honestly HATE people like that. people who have no common sense, people who step over boundaries without realising the consequences and not being able to know when to step back. its even worse when they're female, if guys talk shit, they get hit, if girls talk shit... its just sad. they should tell their boyfriends so we can deck them, oh wait, they're too fucking chat to even know anything. they don't know what its like in the real world. they don't know shit. and yes, i know im swearing a lot but its fun. :)

some people deserve to just be hit. there are some people that don't learn even after being hit, again and again and again. people say violence can't solve problems but in the end, eventually it will. words can hurt more than fists ever can, but its in a different way you know...
i think my tendencies to beat the shit out of someone have risen again, uh oh...
LOL. its worse because im eighteen and if i hit somebody i can be put in jail. i must resist. must resist... MUST.
i must resist that lovely temptation to one hit ko somebody, smash their face into a brick wall and then kick their mangled body across the ground because thats just not something a good person would do eh?
i literally still imagine beating up people when i see them sometimes though, depending on the surrounding, say for now, theres some ugly white cunt sitting across me in a pink jacket and he looks like a massive prick. he just has that aroma, i want to just grab his laptop, smack it across his face, jump over the table and kick his head in. stomp on that ugly face... HAHAHA. theres nothing wrong with that. its just in my thoughts anyway, i have a vivid imagination about these sort of things. all this is hypothetically speaking, if theres was a person, just using i because i can type it faster like that and because im thinking up the situation of course.. so shoooooo. can't a person have thoughts like that to himself without something being up? im a messed up kid. get over it. i wanna go never back down style, gets me pumped!

but honestly, heads up to all the people with no respect out there in this world. i don't believe in karma one bit but if you piss off enough people, its only a matter of time.

somethings are better left unsaid, somethings are better left unseen and inevitably, somethings are better left ignored. people try with all their might to ignore things, to forget things, to forget the bad, remember the new but thats just not how life works, it comes back, lying on your shoulder like your shadow ready to devour you.

anyone ever have those times when you're just sick of the shit, need to go take some time to yourself. even if its only 10 minutes. you need to clear your head from all the shit thats going around you. people keep assuming things about you, people keep doing things around you 'unconsciously' that hurt you and when you just feel down, you're just out of the game. you know when you're out of the game when you take 30 minutes to walk to your car, little kids are overtaking you and you're singing random sad made up songs when you can't even sing.. hypothetically speaking. that person musn't have a nice car either if they're doing something sad like that. it probably needs to be cleaned, and they probably need to stop venting their stress by speeding and overtaking randoms for the slim chance that they might fuck up and end up in hospital where somebody might actually come and visit you and realise all the shit you've been through or hope that someone's secretly following you listening to your sorrows and might just give you a great big hug from behind. how f'ing cute... jokes. that would be a strange hypothetical situation.

but yeah legit. it honestly feels like im talking to myself. people don't really make an effort to talk to me unless they expect something out of me or because they just ran out of other people to talk to, this isn't hypothetical. i can just lay there for hours wondering whether anybody ever thinks about me the way i think about them. probably only the ones which i want to smack in the face, that probably goes both ways. or maybe im just messed up like that, but i can't hit people in the face, assault, i might go to jail! nah i'm lost for what to say properly now. work my thoughts away, everyone keeps saying after hsc after hsc, honestly, nothing is going to change for me after hsc. some things are better left unblogged.

i honestly don't think people realise how hard it is being half white. i have to live with the disadvantages, have to live with the shit i cope, and live with the crap it brings with it. im not included into the white community but im not included properly into the asian community either. i can't speak any asian language well and ... its just sad. everything about it, don't even want to talk about it.

hypothetically speaking, people sacrifice a lot for their friends, they let a lot of things go that they really shouldn't let go, they do a lot of things that people seriously don't deserve even a little and worst of all, they do it with a smiling face. sometimes that face can't stay there, its not something you can just stick on and leave it like there. sometimes... honestly, no matter how much you want something, no matter how much you wish things would be that way, no matter how much you ... they say that if you try hard enough for something, you will succeed. you know what i say? fucking bullshit. its all fucking bullshit. i've tried hard my whole life and i've gotten nowhere. im eighteen and alone as ill say once fucking again and i'm not even doing well in school. i don't have much of a social network, woo for facebook thingo reference.. but fuck. fuckity fuck fuck fuck. all of this is bullshit. you know, i honestly put my whole hearted effort into some things and it doesn't even remotely pay off. take for example my trial exams, i honestly studied more than any other student in my school for those exams, you could not have studied more than me in that period of time unless you sleep less than me which i highly doubt. and look what it gave me, last place in half my subjects and bottom 20 in the rest. fucking joke. life is a fucking joke. everythings a fucking joke. eighteen years living a fucking joke. sick of it. and the saddest thing is like, hypothetically speaking, if you just cry it out nothings going to happen, if you try to make something happen, nothings going to happen and unless you just act against all morals and ethics, nothing is going to happen. fact of my life.

people who do small things and think i don't notice but are doing it consciously... that just pisses the fuck out of me. its like they just do those small things to all people, you can pretend to a certain limit, but there is a limit. people step over those limit with those small things and the only part that annoys me is that they're consciously doing it... its a joke. they're only kidding themselves. people who pretend that i wouldn't notice that sort of thing.. if you do it more subtly? maybe not, if you do it outright? obviously i will. and if you fucking try to be sly about it.. that just makes it even sadder. people need to get some fucking morals. people need to realise some of the things they do are hurting other people, need to fucking kill that selfish and arrogant nature and shove it into a brick wall along with their face.

you know that sudden wave of loneliness you get when its the middle of HSC and you're the only one online at 3:10am in the morning? nobody on MSN. nobody on skype but you just can't sleep. forever fucking alone. oh wait, no you don't cus im the only one up...

i really don't know why, im not even sleepy. yesterday i lay in bed for 2 hours talking to myself, same the night before that. i don't know whats wrong with me, maybe i don't need sleep. and by the way, that girl in the picture leaves me speechless. happiness ♥