redemption.

when i look at myself in the mirror each day i get more and more disgusted. it began small, but it grew. when i was a kid i didn't give it a second thought, but when apperance starts to matter, its not funny anymore. people keep saying that life and relationships is about personality, apperance and intelligence. hah. failing hard in all three. becoming more and more indecisive and just leaving whatever happens to happen. nothing is happening in my life. not one thing. even when i take initiative to try, nothing is happening. it just puts limitations on my life. most of my good friends are in relationships and yeah, that pretty much excludes me from most of their life. i can't stand 3rd wheeling, its painful. its not the actual feeling that im there while they're together. its knowing that they're happy smiling and all in front of me and here i am sitting alone. always alone. and then it makes me just think, know, im not fucking good enough. don't tell me otherwise. its not optimistic to pretend that i have a hope. i am ready to lock myself up, but i dont think i could cope.

just wanna escape. just wanna be happy.
stuck in this same trap again. insignificance.. fuck.