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// On :December 8, 2011
there are things that just remind you of people. its worse when you've been around them, think about them so much that you do those things by instinct. especially when you don't want to remember some of those things because it just hurts. i feel like everything i do, everything i say, im just repeating myself or someone elses words. my life is going in circles, its the same shit.
all my expectations, all my anything which was anything is just... disappeared. standards remain the same, yet my expectations of people just dropped. its hard being one in seven billion sometimes. you think you're unique, you wish you were unique, you wish you were better than the guy next to you. but in reality, you're really not. people used to tell me i have self esteem issues, and yeah, so what. i can cover it. like ive said before. its easy. when i smile, it means im happy, when i laugh, it means i find something amusing, when i cry, it means im sad. but action and emotion are two different things.
honestly, i just feel bad inside. not regarding anything in particular, i just feel bad. i feel so crap that it just makes me want to chuck myself away. i know i need motivation in my life. i know i need something to keep me going, keep me happy. i keep telling myself, don't worry, you'll find it soon, you'll find it someday. but even one minute now feels like a year. its too hard. its just too hard now.
and really, its just me left here. using these random different colours to make it seem like its a happier post. best weeks of my life? i can't be satisfied with temporary. i need something lasting in my life. its hard... the pursuit of happiness.
