redemption.

i find people who comfort people through lies the worst. people who place excuses for their wrong actions. you're not only lying to yourself but you're lying to everyone. and thats not helping, thats just wrong. some people really don't understand morals behind things. they're too weak as a person to take action and face consequences by themselves, they force their problems on others and blame other things for their actions. theres a limit to indecisiveness. i know im indecisive and don't make the right actions at the time but the difference is when it matters, i make decisions. when i do something wrong, i fix it. sometimes theres nothing to be fixed, people create problems out of nothing. flaw in this society. flaw in this world. some people need to get real, this ain't no fantasy no matter how much you wish it were. there are too many things i wish were different in my life, too many regrets but i have to live past that because you can't move forward unless you know where you're going.

heads up and smile because one day. someday. something will go right.

most annoying song ever. na na na na na na na na (:

theres actually surges of shitness sometimes, where you just feel so crap about everything. nothing is going right, you feel like your days are wasted and here you are standing there being hopeless, useless and fucking alone. its a joke. i don't know how many times i have to say it. i look around me and everyone is having a good time, its really not the same trying to be like that. everyone is happy. everyone is content. theres moments where they're not but overall they're content with how they're living. they're content with how the world is and they're just fucking complacent with the world. its times like this where i sit and reflect on just everything. and realise just wow.

last 55 hours of 2011. it was the year that started off messed. hsc year and worse. was trying to find myself a little more because thats what you do when you're young. trying to mature. trying to realise the hardships of the world and learn and become better from your mistakes. well at least thats what ive been trying to do. you cant become better by just doing nothing. you gotta take action. thats one thing ive learned. nothing happens for no reason, sometimes things happen for no reason. too complicated. too much worry. year of just too much everything. and its ended just.. weak.

ps. was just reading through some of my old blogposts. its funny how i can actually remember ever single one of them and why i typed them up.

friendship requires trust. friendship requires effort. and most of all, you actually need to care.

theres been a wave of relationships around me lately. i dont know when they stopped caring but they did. people in this world expect too much. you only deserve to expect if you're prepared to give.

when i look at myself in the mirror each day i get more and more disgusted. it began small, but it grew. when i was a kid i didn't give it a second thought, but when apperance starts to matter, its not funny anymore. people keep saying that life and relationships is about personality, apperance and intelligence. hah. failing hard in all three. becoming more and more indecisive and just leaving whatever happens to happen. nothing is happening in my life. not one thing. even when i take initiative to try, nothing is happening. it just puts limitations on my life. most of my good friends are in relationships and yeah, that pretty much excludes me from most of their life. i can't stand 3rd wheeling, its painful. its not the actual feeling that im there while they're together. its knowing that they're happy smiling and all in front of me and here i am sitting alone. always alone. and then it makes me just think, know, im not fucking good enough. don't tell me otherwise. its not optimistic to pretend that i have a hope. i am ready to lock myself up, but i dont think i could cope.

just wanna escape. just wanna be happy.
stuck in this same trap again. insignificance.. fuck.

i just can't. i freeze up. there is nothing in this world that i can compare to you. you're floating, out of reach.
there are people like this in my world, i feel no matter how hard i try, i can't be with them, i can't talk with them, i can't even be near them. there in no confidence, there is no stigma to it. i just feel i don't deserve anything. because honestly, no one cares. they just don't care.

sitting here thinking, hoping, pain is only temporary.

made my day, never knew i could laugh and get a little emotional so fast, was reading someones tumblr:

- Alcohol comes in, truth comes out.
Food comes in, shit comes out.

learning little bits about people is interesting. it actually really is. shit like this actually makes me wish i had someone. its okay.. KOREA SOON. got less then a month to hold in for cameron.
never knew music could make such an impact when you're reading things.

why does everything always have to be so messy. everyone is just going and going and going. why is there ever a rush. im meant to be in the happiest and longest break of my life and all i see is trust being broken around me. i try to trust people, time and time again, give them a chance no matter what i hear. if they fuck up, i still give them another chance. i don't even know why. people don't deserve second chances sometimes. they really dont. something bad happened to a close friend of mine today and theres nothing i can do about it. i don't care if he gets angry at me for no reason when all ive ever done is care about him and got his back but i do care if he gets hurt. fumed hard for a while. i think ive just been edging to hit someone lately. theres so many people who deserve it and i need that adrenaline rush to keep me going. life has been the shits and nothings gonna make it better.

i've realised the people i know. the friends i have. its miniscule, its not even significant. i need close friends. i just need people to talk to and make my existence seem something you know? only got one. and the others always just too far away.
well.. no regrets. never regret anything because once it was something you wanted. trying to never look back.

ps. i still want a dog. and that photo reminds me of someone. miss talking to them. least someone was talking to me.

didn't know something so pretty could make you feel so sad. brings back other worries and fades others.

time and time again all people do is prove my point. i don't need to hear things i know are wrong. i don't owe them anything. i owe no person in this world anything except my parents for giving birth to me. i am the judge of my own emotion and actions, i choose what i do, i choose what i say, its not your right or anyone elses to say what im feeling. seriously, people these day just.. wow. don't understand anything. find your own explanation.

i just find it hard to comprehend with people these days. i find myself constantly dumbing myself down for people. why the fuck do i need to explain every little thing i say in minute detail. why do you even need to know?... just wow. im not a mindreader. neither are you. but im not stupid. and hopefully im not the only one in this world. its just that people have no concept of anything right now. fun. time. money. life isn't a game. you shouldn't treat it like one. still, people are way too serious about things. not everything means something but still little things mean something. life is spent differentiating those.

just want to be able to spend my time. happy. its not going to come to me in this life ive been living.

its either everything you're saying is shit or all im hearing is shit. all i hear nowdays is self egotistical bullshit. sometimes i try to think optimistically and pretend that everyone feels the same deepness regarding certain emotions but no. you really don't. don't even begin to start to me about your boredom, don't even begin to talk about how lonely you are. you don't even know the meaning.
two. i don't know if you'll read this, but look here mate. i'm the one looking out for your cheese while you're having a fucking smoke when you know she doesn't like it. i didn't lay a hand on her because i respect that you liked her. i made sure no one else went too far but when you did that, fuck that. you're not worth helping. if you even tried to hit me.. no ones going to save you. don't say shit like that, it just breaks how i thought that friendship is built on trust. especially regarding that sort of thing. im not a fucking snake.


some people really don't change.
they're the same person in and out. my first impression holds strong, i try to think optimistic when people do or say things. give them another chance. its really not worth it. i used to just take it, think thats the best i can do. i need friends at this point in my life so even if they're bad friends, no, i'll still be their friends but no. i don't fucking need you. the only friends i need are friends who actually genuinely care about me, not to appease their own self interests, but are willing to sacrifice for me at least a part of how much id sacrifice for them. im always the one sacrificing in every fucking aspect. money, girls, time, effort. everything. and honestly, i can't stay like that forever. im over hypocritical people, take for example, i know someone who says that theres not enough giving in the world and everyone only wants to receive. look at them, they're the one receiving and i haven't got jackshit from them in my life.





life is as meaningless as this rain at the moment. it can come and go. might get blown up when i go korea because kim jong il died. i might get hit by a tree branch and killed when i walk by something. i might be jumped and bottled in the head and die from internal bleeding... the meaninglessness just keeps pouring down.

when you trudge through life, any little thing can make you smile. equally though it can break you. its easier to be hurt then be happy. theres so many little things you wish for in life but honestly the only thing that would make a difference right now is something big. little things add up, but they don't last. big things eventually fade. i don't even know what im saying but i need one. and one only.

i can't get over what an amazing guitar player he is. just watching it alone makes me want to play guitar. i wish i had a right handed guitar right now. or a dog. need something entertaining and free in my life.

i want a dog so bad right now. needs to fill in the human affection i don't receive. my mum tried to give me a stuffed dog, and said that if i got a dog she could kick it in one kick across the room.
also asked that the reason i don't have a girlfriend is because of :
- poor social skills
- financially poor
- poor looking
im not going to tell you my answer :\ i really need a dog in my life right now. when im at home for hours alone, just sit and talk and play with it. D:

there are things that just remind you of people. its worse when you've been around them, think about them so much that you do those things by instinct. especially when you don't want to remember some of those things because it just hurts. i feel like everything i do, everything i say, im just repeating myself or someone elses words. my life is going in circles, its the same shit.

all my expectations, all my anything which was anything is just... disappeared. standards remain the same, yet my expectations of people just dropped. its hard being one in seven billion sometimes. you think you're unique, you wish you were unique, you wish you were better than the guy next to you. but in reality, you're really not. people used to tell me i have self esteem issues, and yeah, so what. i can cover it. like ive said before. its easy. when i smile, it means im happy, when i laugh, it means i find something amusing, when i cry, it means im sad. but action and emotion are two different things.

honestly, i just feel bad inside. not regarding anything in particular, i just feel bad. i feel so crap that it just makes me want to chuck myself away. i know i need motivation in my life. i know i need something to keep me going, keep me happy. i keep telling myself, don't worry, you'll find it soon, you'll find it someday. but even one minute now feels like a year. its too hard. its just too hard now.

and really, its just me left here. using these random different colours to make it seem like its a happier post. best weeks of my life? i can't be satisfied with temporary. i need something lasting in my life. its hard... the pursuit of happiness. 

the once beautiful fringe that lay across my forehead. covered my insecurities, covered my worries and when it sat perfect across my head it felt like nothing could ever go wrong. better than a mullet, better than anything you could ever want or need. that one feeling was enough to make my day, and it did, day after day during my high school years. until it now lays in the trash somewhere. those beautiful strands of hairs now lay... god knows where.

i still brush my hand across my forehead, wishing, thinking it is there. but i cut it for one reason only.


i imagine this song playing, for some reason.

John O'Callaghan feat. Sarah Howells - Find Yourself (Cosmic Gate Remix)

appreciating the smaller things in life that make it whole. other people are other people and i am myself. it doesn't matter what anyone says, what anyone thinks about me or anyone else around me, because everyone is themselves. as long as you know who you are, thats good enough. if you can live with who you are, thats good enough. if you can live with yourself, knowing the decisions you've made, the things you've said, the things you've done, thats good enough. when you overthink things, you don't think rationally anymore, you say things you don't really mean because you don't know how to say them and it really is just better to let things take you where they take you.. mm. i think its better to just take people from how you see them, not to assume what type of person they are, not to assume they'll fuck you over, not to assume that they're an exploitative, pathetic person who doesn't deserve to be treated with the respect you treat them with because, assuming is just as good as believing right.

don't you want a moment where you can tell someone, she is my weakness, she is my reason, she is my everything. that moment when all worries disappear and its just you two. when you're perfectly comfortable with one another. its just hard now. my heart is uneasy, my body feels weak and it just like im only living on each next day hoping for better. people say you deserve better. deserving and getting are two different things. even if you deserve the best person in the world possible who would treat you right and love you indefinently, make you happy and just be there for you forever, you may get nothing. even if you deserve the scum of the earth, you may get a beautiful person.. nothing is fair.

listening to its not easy - five for fighting..
don't even know why.

penguins my second favourite animal, panda first, something with black and white. and it got yellow beak too i guess, MULTICULTURAL!
far out asians are cute.

i wish i had a beautiful place, waterfall or something where i can just lie and relax. i've become stuck lately. wishing for things to happen, nothing happening... people always say the guy has to take initiative in things, not just in relationship-like things, just anything. it makes me just sit here sometimes and think, why bother when effort only turns into...

well, was reading a friends blogpost, made me think some more... i try to live a life with no regrets but inevitably thats impossible. even now im regretting being at home. im regretting so many things at once its hard to hold in. everyone has their problems, and although you want to help your friends with their problems sometimes its just hard handling everyones problems. i've been doing it all my life, never shouldering my problems with others and accepting theirs. my friend was telling me, you and me we both got problems, don't try to think they're any different. we all still feel the same. don't try to think your pain or my pain is any harder. your problem or my problem is any harder. everyone has been through tough experiences. but in the end, regret turns you into a better person, it makes you able to differentiate between right and wrong, between good and bad, between what you truly believe is right.

they also said never having your first kiss at 16, never being in a relationship.. its funny how im 18. never had a girlfriend too. when i see people around me going at it, all coupley and shit it shifts my thoughts a little but not in the same way. like my wonderful friend was telling me once again, theres no point being in a relationship with a girl unless she's the one. if you really love her and if you know she's the one then no one can tell you otherwise. i wonder if im waiting for that. :\ don't even know what im doing lately.

time just flying by, literally alone.

a history of playing girls? don't give me that shit. you asked me about it already, the girl and my other friend held my hand first and when she tried to go further i backed off. thats not playing girls. if a girl likes you and you don't do anything straight out does that make you a dickhead? does that make you a cunt? holy shit, you don't even understand the level of ignorance you're showing by typing and showing off things like that. relationships between people isn't something that is meant to be made public for the world to see. its between those two people, you're not involved. im over it now, i honestly don't even need to remotely justify myself to someone who can't be talked with reasonably. when i tell people things i tell it directly to them. wake up.

live life as it comes, if you were happy in the moment, there is no need to regret that moment. life is full of happy and sad things.