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Archive for August 2011
people keep on saying, capture the moment, live life to the fullest, look forward and never look back. i've been mindfucking myself, day after day for the last few weeks trying to bring myself to an understanding about anything... something and im still stuck but if theres one thing thats definite. i want to be able to be happy about myself and the decisions i make. sometimes i do stupid things which may leave me filled with regret and looking back at past memories is an inevitable part of who we are currently but i really need to just look up at the sky and acknowledge what i have right now because human life is short. ive always been stuck on the pessimistic end, even the things that should make me overwhelming with happiness can leave me still seeing the negatives like something i read today, but i have to at least attempt to see only the positives. i know what they are, im just unable to accept them and here i am again lost for words to properly express what im trying to say.
i want to be able to believe. i want to be able to utterly give myself to something. i want more then i can ever hope to achieve but it all starts with trying. im too scared to step out of my comfort zone because im scared people will learn about my insecurities and exploit them but in the end, it doesn't really matter.
my formspring was overwhelmed with questions which only made me feel more pressure and it made me think, what constitutes this and that... do i really like this person... what does like even mean... but ill never know if i dont try. im just stuck. and one day, ill have to step forward. id like myself to be able to like somebody like that, just that one person but when you don't know somebody well, when you want to help them with everything but you don't know enough about them, you don't know if you're meant to know enough about them and in general you just don't know anything, if you don't feel a connection with a person if you don't want to... im just sick of not knowing what to do with anything and everything. wish someone or something would just lead me.
today i saw a final fantasy trailer, its so realistic. it just brings happiness to myself, id be overwhelmed with happiness if i was able to play a full game of final fantasy for once. need to get a ps3 to play... the music by itself just makes me emotional. maybe not in the video below but most of the soundtrack is so emotional. i just liked the opening. the graphics and hairstyles, it just rgeoaigeoha, i don't know why i get happiness from something so superficial but i just do.
when reaching for the future, we sometimes fall into the past, as we gaze upon events that cannot be changed, our hearts grow bitter with regret. how will you choose to deal with that pain?
ps. deleted another 30 friends off facebook. if i haven't met them, get off my list!
incomplete.
i've never been able to step forward, everything i do it seems like im falling backwards indefinitely. im still just stuck yeah, needing somebody, something to keep me going. the only thing that ive learnt inevitably this year is that hard work doesn't always pay off. you need more then effort, you need more then belief that you can achieve in life, you need results. and when you don't get those results, the next step only gets harder.
every moment im out, time just flies. every moment im bored, time stops. every moment im in despair, the world closes in til i have nowhere left to go.
you make me laugh when im feeling down. you make me smile when i see you smile. i want to hold you when i see you cry. i want to be there for you when you're feeling down. and i want you to type you're not your. and you make me love you when you love me too. sike. im not that corny.
but in all honesty, all i want is that satisfied feeling in my life, contentment. i want to be able to be happy and love a person openly. its fucking hard. theres all these small pressures in my life, and everytime something comes to beat me back down when i try to go up its painful. if you get hit to the ground enough times, you're not going to get up. whether its in school or in life, even when im with people i feel lonely, i feel like i dont belong. not belonging lol. when i see myself in a mirror its a joke and no matter how much i resist saying it, its not manly, no i dont want it, thats just in line with my gender/values... i feel uncomfortable saying things that i normally wouldn't, and its hard to be able to talk freely with anybody in my life. and as bad and selfish as it may seem, i just want to be happy.
hopefully you can make me happy (:
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. everybody, no more internal exams, i have no exams for 56 days until HSC. :D this is the life. im meant to be completely chill and all but even though my shoulders feel a little lighter after sunday, im still tense as. i love this though honestly, just listening to ugly by 2ne1 and watching the rain outside sprinkle. its beautiful (: but even though times like these are what im meant to be treasuring, always feel lonely somewhat. time to blog all the things ive been thinking about over the last week or so.
well, ive pretty much said everything big i wanted to say when i was off my head so... yeah. i actually have nothing that big i want to say. im pretty content with life at the moment, ive learnt not to give a shit about anything big even though i can say it, im only slowly being able to do it. like.. if you dont give yourself wholeheartedly to something or someone, the disappointment isnt as bad. fuck, human life is so fragile. can be gone in a moment. i try not to think about it, live with what i got. gotta strive on, no matter what insecurities i have, no matter how bad im doing in life it will never be over. i dont need anybody or anyone else to tell me that because ive matured enough to realise a lot of things. i can be friends without liking the person, as long as i like their company, make me smile, make me happy thats all i really need. i can keep a mutual relationship, smiling and all without even remotely liking the person as long as life goes on without too many bumps because what truly matters in the end is that i have friends who would care for me and that im still alive for them to care for and vice versa. gaming time.
well, ive pretty much said everything big i wanted to say when i was off my head so... yeah. i actually have nothing that big i want to say. im pretty content with life at the moment, ive learnt not to give a shit about anything big even though i can say it, im only slowly being able to do it. like.. if you dont give yourself wholeheartedly to something or someone, the disappointment isnt as bad. fuck, human life is so fragile. can be gone in a moment. i try not to think about it, live with what i got. gotta strive on, no matter what insecurities i have, no matter how bad im doing in life it will never be over. i dont need anybody or anyone else to tell me that because ive matured enough to realise a lot of things. i can be friends without liking the person, as long as i like their company, make me smile, make me happy thats all i really need. i can keep a mutual relationship, smiling and all without even remotely liking the person as long as life goes on without too many bumps because what truly matters in the end is that i have friends who would care for me and that im still alive for them to care for and vice versa. gaming time.
i just realised i am the most tragic mother fucker alive. :(
i always made fun of all those people which got drunk and couldn't remember shit i thought it was all bullshit and as if you couldn't remember everything.... apparently i just fucked myself over in the face.
i told , i have no idea how many people who i liked, my bank pin, all this other random shit and who the fuck knows what else i did. x) i am so tragic.
if i could punch myself in the face, i would. god i wish i had a video camera of the shit i did.
i always made fun of all those people which got drunk and couldn't remember shit i thought it was all bullshit and as if you couldn't remember everything.... apparently i just fucked myself over in the face.
i told , i have no idea how many people who i liked, my bank pin, all this other random shit and who the fuck knows what else i did. x) i am so tragic.
if i could punch myself in the face, i would. god i wish i had a video camera of the shit i did.
i keep on telling myself i have a rational mind. that im not completely fucked up and non-sensical in everything that i do but each time i tell myself that, i lose a little of my sanity. honestly, right now i just want some fucker to troll my formspring so i can just rage out on them. maybe i havent been enough of a dickhead lately to get people to hate on me.
^_^
my friend pointed out something that i knew i do because its the only way i cope. i act more childish when im around other nsbs, nsbs are all immature and all this shit ive had to cope with them during these 5 years, i just unconsciously put up my guard and put up that smile and joking attitude. its fucking ridiculous. even when i dont like being around the guy, i feel bad about thinking like that, everytime i think something for my own personal needs it just seems selfish and i cant follow through with it. even to the point that i havent been able to commit. its ridiculous.
alright, this paragraph is going to be brutally honest. i think i do have a girl i like but the problem at the moment is now im only thinking. ive never had a girlfriend and never truly liked somebody completely where it would be anywhere near mutual and i cant fucking face the reality of taking that step. its a bloody joke, im almost eighteen years old and i cant do something a ten year old could do without hesitation. its because im so unsure of myself. that girl, i havent known her quite long but i really like everything about her and it lights up my world a little when i think about it but then comes the fear. of all the things i will do wrong, of all the things that will go wrong and worst of all just me being wrong. i know it is wrong, but even though ive been telling myself i should be liking this girl and i want to, other obstacles present themselves. its hard to say this because i feel like such a shit person but its not like it matters, i know what is meant to be right and meant to be wrong and i act accordingly but underneath im still thinking what is wrong. shes not the only girl that makes me happy, shes not the only girl that i have slightly feelings for although she is the one that i know i should. and worst of all .. actually fuck it i cant say it.
its hard to say this but i dont give compliments easily, i always cover it up with jokes because im scared of the consequences of saying nice things and saying bad things can only go one way. either stop being friends or get hit. nothing wrong with that, saying good things you can get confused for hitting on a person, you can drag people you dont want near you towards you and worst of all, its embarassing as. but sometimes things just need to be said. i honestly think a lot of things about a lot of people that people would be thinking, why the fuck does he even talk to that person? its because of the one thing my friend said to me once again and ill repeat it again, friends come and go but enemies are there forever. so i don't get into unnecessary shit with people that know people i know, its just... AISH. i feel like i need to say something but still like shit inside. T.T back to reality and failing my 4unit test. not even joking. wishing i was in that photographic world of perfect complexion.
hmm. realising and following through are two different things. its so easy to say you want to do this, you hate this about yourself and you're going to change it, you're going to work hard toward this goal but then when it comes towards achieving that goal, every little obstacle becomes another knife wound. one cut, two cut. until you're unable to stand for what you believe in.
in school ive become dead, twenty four seven, too tired to do anything and too tired to work actively, in maths i just sit there blankly attempting to learn while failing every question. in japanese, its just a pointless lesson. in chemistry, its just people argueing with the teacher over something. and in english, im just sitting there on my laptop finishing my forever long list, should finish it before school finishes, think im up to 11,000 words now, should be around double that when i'm done. i find it amusing when people at school attempt to figure out what i'm writing. but my friend did point out to me, that if im so pathetic and sad to be doing something like that, i really need to get a life. as my friend once said to me, ive passed my peak.
it really frustrates me how people can be so cruel sometimes. theres little things, and theres big things, and theres taking those little things too far. you have to know when to stop, i learnt that lesson years ago. nothing stays in my head anymore but my values haven't changed, its just sometimes they're showing a little more. i also find it ridiculously hard to keep a calm attitude around school friends especially when they talk to me out of school. just because i say hi to you doesn't mean i like you enough to want to sit next to you in the library, just because you're the only person with a basketball doesn't mean i'm playing basketball with you because i like you as a person. i maintain that neutral-friendly relationship because you don't want an enemy but sometimes when people keep on pushing your buttons, they're going to step out of that neutral zone and somebody is going to get hit. just because you don't know anyone else, doesn't mean you need to talk to all my friends. i feel selfish saying it, but its the truth. its really hard to smile sometimes, really hard. i laugh it off and then i go home feeling like a dickhead because i changed myself just to maintain that static relationship. seriously...
but honestly, i want to become a better person. aesthetically, mentally and physically. but people gain strength from different sources, i use to gain mine from computer games but now i don't have time to play them. most people gain them from family and friends... but thats not an option for me with my circumstances. lifes a little complicated, but you just have to bear through it somehow.
totoro fingernails. a person i care about isn't feeling too great and once again, im too nervous and sitting back because thats the only comfort i can bring because im not even confident in myself. i try to be the pivotal point and strength but i just have too many insecurities too.
theres several things in this world that just make your head spin.
never knowing whether you know enough is one of them. i keep trying to shove more and more in my head and it just comes out the other end.
just having a headache. i'm sick and my head is in a constant state of spinning, sometimes messes with my vision too sometimes.
i just want something to hug. someone to keep me company. somebody to talk to when im alone. instead of lying around by myself. everythings a little lonely. hm, listening to lonely - 2ne1.
always stuck in that state of searching. never knowing, never getting, never living.
ive been thinking, as i usually do in my sleep deprived state, my mum keeps saying i put too much emphasis on my appearance. and yes, just because not many people i know read this, or at least nobody i know reads this i shall list them all out. i remember i put a list like that once in the past but this is all the real worries to me in life, this might take a while:- not being able to achieve a decent atar and into a decent course.
- not being able to be in a relationship because im awkward.
- knowing about everything, no matter how much i try theres physical and mental limitations i must reach. for example, basketball i can keep saying i want to dunk, but i can never jump high enough, im not physically fit enough. i can say i want to get physically fit, but i don't have the self motivation to do it no matter how much confidence it looks like i have on the outside. i can study for a whole term, and still achieve the worst marks in the year when people put in less than a weeks effort and beat me. frustrating.
- not being able to resist beating the shit out of somebody.
- doing something big that no one will forgive me for.
- losing my already limited friends. and falling miserably into a hole so deep that ill never be able to climb out of.
- nobody has my back.
- thinking about all the times i think of other people, and than thinking that they're not even thinking about me, not even for a fraction of a moment.
- i dont have any close friends and all my friends drift so fast. i don't see them enough, everythings so ... dead.
- and this last bit is everything about my appearance i dislike in order of the ones i hate the most: im starting to get body hair and even my normal arm/leg hair growth is fucked up. people keep asking if i fucking waxed it, what the fuck... my voice, i can't sing and people sometimes say i sound like a girl which i obviously dont, i just sound fucked up, my complexion, my skins so bad although i dont have acne, i get pimples bad sometimes, my skin heals really slowly and it leaves scars and worst of all i have freckles, fuck i hate it with a passion. my body, im not physically fit, although im not thin or fat, im not even strong enough to hold my own weight up. i have teenage growth stretch marks on my back and they wont fucking go away. i havent even grown since year 9... and although this isnt as bad since i have to fucking straighten my hair everyday, my hair is fucked up. i can't even go swimming because its curly alright. no one realises how bad it gets especially since its been bleached. i need my natural hair back now.
- now just general dislikes about myself: im not smart, im not coordinated, im not talented in anything, im not even great looking people just say, oh look you're half oooh. it fucking fades off in 2 min. than other people are like, think you're so fucking hot cus you're half? huh? NO. i don't . fuck you. oh im being a little aggresive... um. this is just turning into a rant but oh well. i havent even had a girlfriend or my first kiss. yes, tragic as that must sound, fuck you if you laugh. im not a bloody gangster so just no. there was one time in year 8 where there was a girl who i look back on now and go what the fuck cameron, but still we were like ooh, i like you. and me being the stupid kid i was like.. oh. um. i like you too. but we never even went on a date, and probably only had a goodbye hug once. LOL... yeah. year 8 kids. and ive made other mistakes well, mainly only one.. which i still get shit for at school and in life. i can't believe someone said people don't like me without knowing me, sure im a shit guy and im not fun to talk to, but say that after you've talked to me at least. rah rah rah. rant rant rant. ill just end the list here.
have no fear, not everything is terrible. some person who i find attractive started talking to me but they have a boyfriend LOL not that i'd do anything about it. its nice enough knowing that someone like that would even talk to me. anyways... maybe its just nice having someone who talks to me first on msn for a change. i dont think people realise how many hours i sit at the computer, every minute im at home alright? i just sit here, flicking tabs and wasting hours. because i accepted the fact, studying for me will only get me so far. im not a smart guy, but i still must try......... nobody reads this blog but maybe just maybe ill come back sometime in the future and read my stupid ramblings and think what the fuck was i thinking just like i think about myself thinking, why did i do that.. when its only 5 minutes ago. alright now my english is just failing. snap back to reality; i don't know how ill cope when i go to korea, when theres all those pretty korean girls everywhere, im going to faint in joy. :D i need something better to write about.
im not as strong as you think i might be. its not easy to wake up each morning smiling. its not easy waking up each morning telling yourself everything is okay. its not okay thinking that everything will be okay. its not okay knowing that when i wake up, ill still be the same person, still look like the same person. and no its not okay knowing that even when i try my hardest to not reach my goals, to not be able to even accomplish the most menial tasks. lost and gone.
everytime i watch maribelle anes, i can see the emotion in her eyes and it gives me hope. her words especially some of my favourite of her songs, it just touches me y'know. i've been doing fuckall lately. i've been going library a few times and getting some work done but it feels like my brain is still just as empty as the day before. i swear, everyday going by im still getting more and more pissed. some white kid tried to start me today and i told him to fucking come at me and honestly i wanted him to try, i wouldve beat the shit out of him, and its self defense. its pathetic how people like him think he can treat me the way he wants me to and thats why he's the one walking away. i love 2ne1 more and more, i love formspring questions which make sense and at school all im doing is updating my own personal document lists. if people found them, they'd honestly be surprised... good thing nobody knows what im doing and they definently don't read my blog, its not even posted anywhere, neither is my formspring. most people probably don't realise that, i don't go facebook advertising that i want more questions although i do. i don't go adding randoms on facebook anymore in hope that having more friends will make me look more popular. fuck it all, friends are friends and if people want to ask me questions they will. i don't know what to talk about or what im thinking about anymore, talking to people really doesn't help does it? just waiting for that day exams finish.
