redemption.

 people keep on saying, capture the moment, live life to the fullest, look forward and never look back. i've been mindfucking myself, day after day for the last few weeks trying to bring myself to an understanding about anything... something and im still stuck but if theres one thing thats definite. i want to be able to be happy about myself and the decisions i make. sometimes i do stupid things which may leave me filled with regret and looking back at past memories is an inevitable part of who we are currently but i really need to just look up at the sky and acknowledge what i have right now because human life is short. ive always been stuck on the pessimistic end, even the things that should make me overwhelming with happiness can leave me still seeing the negatives like something i read today, but i have to at least attempt to see only the positives. i know what they are, im just unable to accept them and here i am again lost for words to properly express what im trying to say.

i want to be able to believe. i want to be able to utterly give myself to something. i want more then i can ever hope to achieve but it all starts with trying. im too scared to step out of my comfort zone because im scared people will learn about my insecurities and exploit them but in the end, it doesn't really matter.

my formspring was overwhelmed with questions which only made me feel more pressure and it made me think, what constitutes this and that... do i really like this person... what does like even mean... but ill never know if i dont try. im just stuck. and one day, ill have to step forward. id like myself to be able to like somebody like that, just that one person but when you don't know somebody well, when you want to help them with everything but you don't know enough about them, you don't know if you're meant to know enough about them and in general you just don't know anything, if you don't feel a connection with a person if you don't want to... im just sick of not knowing what to do with anything and everything. wish someone or something would just lead me.

today i saw a final fantasy trailer, its so realistic. it just brings happiness to myself, id be overwhelmed with happiness if i was able to play a full game of final fantasy for once. need to get a ps3 to play... the music by itself just makes me emotional. maybe not in the video below but most of the soundtrack is so emotional. i just liked the opening. the graphics and hairstyles, it just rgeoaigeoha, i don't know why i get happiness from something so superficial but i just do.



when reaching for the future, we sometimes fall into the past, as we gaze upon events that cannot be changed, our hearts grow bitter with regret. how will you choose to deal with that pain?

ps. deleted another 30 friends off facebook. if i haven't met them, get off my list!