redemption.

i keep on telling myself i have a rational mind. that im not completely fucked up and non-sensical in everything that i do but each time i tell myself that, i lose a little of my sanity. honestly, right now i just want some fucker to troll my formspring so i can just rage out on them. maybe i havent been enough of a dickhead lately to get people to hate on me.

^_^

my friend pointed out something that i knew i do because its the only way i cope. i act more childish when im around other nsbs, nsbs are all immature and all this shit ive had to cope with them during these 5 years, i just unconsciously put up my guard and put up that smile and joking attitude. its fucking ridiculous. even when i dont like being around the guy, i feel bad about thinking like that, everytime i think something for my own personal needs it just seems selfish and i cant follow through with it. even to the point that i havent been able to commit. its ridiculous.

alright, this paragraph is going to be brutally honest. i think i do have a girl i like but the problem at the moment is now im only thinking. ive never had a girlfriend and never truly liked somebody completely where it would be anywhere near mutual and i cant fucking face the reality of taking that step. its a bloody joke, im almost eighteen years old and i cant do something a ten year old could do without hesitation. its because im so unsure of myself. that girl, i havent known her quite long but i really like everything about her and it lights up my world a little when i think about it but then comes the fear. of all the things i will do wrong, of all the things that will go wrong and worst of all just me being wrong. i know it is wrong, but even though ive been telling myself i should be liking this girl and i want to, other obstacles present themselves. its hard to say this because i feel like such a shit person but its not like it matters, i know what is meant to be right and meant to be wrong and i act accordingly but underneath im still thinking what is wrong. shes not the only girl that makes me happy, shes not the only girl that i have slightly feelings for although she is the one that i know i should. and worst of all .. actually fuck it i cant say it.

its hard to say this but i dont give compliments easily, i always cover it up with jokes because im scared of the consequences of saying nice things and saying bad things can only go one way. either stop being friends or get hit. nothing wrong with that, saying good things you can get confused for hitting on a person, you can drag people you dont want near you towards you and worst of all, its embarassing as. but sometimes things just need to be said. i honestly think a lot of things about a lot of people that people would be thinking, why the fuck does he even talk to that person? its because of the one thing my friend said to me once again and ill repeat it again, friends come and go but enemies are there forever.      so i don't get into unnecessary shit with people that know people i know, its just... AISH. i feel like i need to say something but still like shit inside. T.T  back to reality and failing my 4unit test. not even joking. wishing i was in that photographic world of perfect complexion.