Newest Post
// On :August 7, 2011
always stuck in that state of searching. never knowing, never getting, never living.
ive been thinking, as i usually do in my sleep deprived state, my mum keeps saying i put too much emphasis on my appearance. and yes, just because not many people i know read this, or at least nobody i know reads this i shall list them all out. i remember i put a list like that once in the past but this is all the real worries to me in life, this might take a while:- not being able to achieve a decent atar and into a decent course.
- not being able to be in a relationship because im awkward.
- knowing about everything, no matter how much i try theres physical and mental limitations i must reach. for example, basketball i can keep saying i want to dunk, but i can never jump high enough, im not physically fit enough. i can say i want to get physically fit, but i don't have the self motivation to do it no matter how much confidence it looks like i have on the outside. i can study for a whole term, and still achieve the worst marks in the year when people put in less than a weeks effort and beat me. frustrating.
- not being able to resist beating the shit out of somebody.
- doing something big that no one will forgive me for.
- losing my already limited friends. and falling miserably into a hole so deep that ill never be able to climb out of.
- nobody has my back.
- thinking about all the times i think of other people, and than thinking that they're not even thinking about me, not even for a fraction of a moment.
- i dont have any close friends and all my friends drift so fast. i don't see them enough, everythings so ... dead.
- and this last bit is everything about my appearance i dislike in order of the ones i hate the most: im starting to get body hair and even my normal arm/leg hair growth is fucked up. people keep asking if i fucking waxed it, what the fuck... my voice, i can't sing and people sometimes say i sound like a girl which i obviously dont, i just sound fucked up, my complexion, my skins so bad although i dont have acne, i get pimples bad sometimes, my skin heals really slowly and it leaves scars and worst of all i have freckles, fuck i hate it with a passion. my body, im not physically fit, although im not thin or fat, im not even strong enough to hold my own weight up. i have teenage growth stretch marks on my back and they wont fucking go away. i havent even grown since year 9... and although this isnt as bad since i have to fucking straighten my hair everyday, my hair is fucked up. i can't even go swimming because its curly alright. no one realises how bad it gets especially since its been bleached. i need my natural hair back now.
- now just general dislikes about myself: im not smart, im not coordinated, im not talented in anything, im not even great looking people just say, oh look you're half oooh. it fucking fades off in 2 min. than other people are like, think you're so fucking hot cus you're half? huh? NO. i don't . fuck you. oh im being a little aggresive... um. this is just turning into a rant but oh well. i havent even had a girlfriend or my first kiss. yes, tragic as that must sound, fuck you if you laugh. im not a bloody gangster so just no. there was one time in year 8 where there was a girl who i look back on now and go what the fuck cameron, but still we were like ooh, i like you. and me being the stupid kid i was like.. oh. um. i like you too. but we never even went on a date, and probably only had a goodbye hug once. LOL... yeah. year 8 kids. and ive made other mistakes well, mainly only one.. which i still get shit for at school and in life. i can't believe someone said people don't like me without knowing me, sure im a shit guy and im not fun to talk to, but say that after you've talked to me at least. rah rah rah. rant rant rant. ill just end the list here.
have no fear, not everything is terrible. some person who i find attractive started talking to me but they have a boyfriend LOL not that i'd do anything about it. its nice enough knowing that someone like that would even talk to me. anyways... maybe its just nice having someone who talks to me first on msn for a change. i dont think people realise how many hours i sit at the computer, every minute im at home alright? i just sit here, flicking tabs and wasting hours. because i accepted the fact, studying for me will only get me so far. im not a smart guy, but i still must try......... nobody reads this blog but maybe just maybe ill come back sometime in the future and read my stupid ramblings and think what the fuck was i thinking just like i think about myself thinking, why did i do that.. when its only 5 minutes ago. alright now my english is just failing. snap back to reality; i don't know how ill cope when i go to korea, when theres all those pretty korean girls everywhere, im going to faint in joy. :D i need something better to write about.
