redemption.

hmm. realising and following through are two different things. its so easy to say you want to do this, you hate this about yourself and you're going to change it, you're going to work hard toward this goal but then when it comes towards achieving that goal, every little obstacle becomes another knife wound. one cut, two cut. until you're unable to stand for what you believe in.

in school ive become dead, twenty four seven, too tired to do anything and too tired to work actively, in maths i just sit there blankly attempting to learn while failing every question. in japanese, its just a pointless lesson. in chemistry, its just people argueing with the teacher over something. and in english, im just sitting there on my laptop finishing my forever long list, should finish it before school finishes, think im up to 11,000 words now, should be around double that when i'm done. i find it amusing when people at school attempt to figure out what i'm writing. but my friend did point out to me, that if im so pathetic and sad to be doing something like that, i really need to get a life. as my friend once said to me, ive passed my peak.

it really frustrates me how people can be so cruel sometimes. theres little things, and theres big things, and theres taking those little things too far. you have to know when to stop, i learnt that lesson years ago. nothing stays in my head anymore but my values haven't changed, its just sometimes they're showing a little more. i also find it ridiculously hard to keep a calm attitude around school friends especially when they talk to me out of school. just because i say hi to you doesn't mean i like you enough to want to sit next to you in the library, just because you're the only person with a basketball doesn't mean i'm playing basketball with you because i like you as a person. i maintain that neutral-friendly relationship because you don't want an enemy but sometimes when people keep on pushing your buttons, they're going to step out of that neutral zone and somebody is going to get hit. just because you don't know anyone else, doesn't mean you need to talk to all my friends. i feel selfish saying it, but its the truth. its really hard to smile sometimes, really hard. i laugh it off and then i go home feeling like a dickhead because i changed myself just to maintain that static relationship. seriously...

but honestly, i want to become a better person. aesthetically, mentally and physically. but people gain strength from different sources, i use to gain mine from computer games but now i don't have time to play them. most people gain them from family and friends... but thats not an option for me with my circumstances. lifes a little complicated, but you just have to bear through it somehow.