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Archive for September 2011
i've met a few people over the years, theres been people who make me smile when i see their face, theres been people who make me wanna vomit when i see their face and greatest of all, theres people who i just want to smash their face in when i see their face. isn't the world a lovely place. [:
some people find it hard to accept that what they have. theres nothing wrong with them. myself included. it hurts me a little too when i hear someone say they don't like this part about them when it makes me like them that little bit more because everyones different. its really not the person, as i was saying on formspring, theres no set apperance/personality anymore. i use to think so but like really... every persons different, you like them or you dont. simple as that. i need to stop living by those stereotyped thoughts, my brain tells me to and then at other times it tells me other things. id use a stereotypical thingo like saying my heart tells me otherwise but thats just too cliche and fake as shit.
back to my lonely solo conversations with myself when im driving home by myself (:
you know when you feel emptiness, its just nothingness really. my mind is always like rushing with thoughts but honestly, i can never keep up with them, thats why i say things i regret, do things i regret because i cant think about them first, im just not a on my feet type of person. when you're exposed to something for a long time you just accept it. you've been alone your whole life, you just accept it. no matter how much you hate it. you have to accept it because its the only path for you.
i try to not give a shit about other people. i want to be able to just be a prick and pretend i dont give a shit about hurting another person but fuck myself for not being able to do it. being nice has seriously got me no where. ever. but when it comes down to it, im still going to be nice to people, i really really can't say no. and here i go back again, listening to the lyrics of songs, listening to the sound of people murmuring in library, looking at the smiling faces or just content faces of others around me. feel so lonely even when im there and just hurt inside. [:
its sad when you're doing something and then it reminds you of someone or something and that someone or something just makes you realise what a truly incompetent and useless piece of .. that you are. :\
and whenever i say you, im just talking about myself. it just makes myself feel better pretending that im talking about a circumstance that a lot of other people come in contact with.
and whenever i say you, im just talking about myself. it just makes myself feel better pretending that im talking about a circumstance that a lot of other people come in contact with.
my heart sinks a little sometimes, it really does. when i see something, when i hear something, when i realise that im just there, feel like im being used, what a depressing feeling. i try to replace some of that devoness with other things, i use to play games but HSC prevents that, i try to be friendly to everyone and make sure other people are happy so that i can be too but in the end, sometimes you realise its not working or you realise you're the only one who isn't happy and fuck. what a devastating feeling.
back to my fourunit paper. 1T for life.
back to my fourunit paper. 1T for life.
study study study. i never feel like ive done enough. HSC in 3 weeks.
i really hope i can get my mark, people keep saying its okay but its really
not. i don't think ill do that well, hopefully i can make it into something decent. [:
its nice to talk to people sometimes, not about anything particular, just talk. i talked with an eight year old kid today for an hour, he was so simple yet so complex. it felt like a dnm with someone uncorrupted by the shit that goes on in this world. it really is. gives me that little bit of stress relief i need to get by but still.. things always bothering me. still thinking about them. but sometimes little unexpeccted things just pop up. cute and make your day.
you know what i honestly regret in my life... having wasted 16 years of my life without good friends. i didn't make good friends until i was almost 17 years old. :\ its because i was too sheltered, i never went out but now i managed to push myself through that crappy barrier of playing games 24/7 NO JOKE, and going out and meeting new people, talking to new people and making GOOD friends. unlike my school. honestly, everytime i see someone from my school its just a bad memory. i don't want to ever see them again and they insist on coming macquarie library and not even studying there... just cockfesting and sucking each others fucking tiny asian dicks. ARGHHH.
anyways, most people are sad at their graduation, miss the memories they had.. the good times they had but won't be able to have in the same atmosphere again... i respect that and i wish i had those memories to be able to hold but look, i got fucked over from birth. LOL. but nah. i just realised i have a really hard to read typing style sometimes... OKAY, uh, ive said all this shit before. i wont say anymore. the only thing ill miss is the times when i was young and could start a fight with them with bare minimum consequences. [:
which hand do you clap with on top?
i clap with my right hand on top.
which way do you tilt your head?
i tilt my head left.
(:
finally graduated, six years at this crappy school FINALLY OVER. :D
and right to the very last minute, people were pissing me off. YOU'RE NOT PART OF OUR GROUP, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR PHOTO. WE DONT LIKE YOU AND YOU NEVER HANG WITH US. CHIME THE FUCK OUT. but being the good guy i am, i resisted the extreme temptation to beat the shit out of him and leave him in a bloody heap in the corner of the school.
happy i graduated. sad that my high school was so shit, missed those fantasy anime like high school experiences. still dont know that many girls, cockfest school, cockfest life and after graduating from that cockfest school. ENLIGHTENMENT.
yes, i pretended to be that happy. honestly, feel no different.. moving on now with life!
and right to the very last minute, people were pissing me off. YOU'RE NOT PART OF OUR GROUP, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR PHOTO. WE DONT LIKE YOU AND YOU NEVER HANG WITH US. CHIME THE FUCK OUT. but being the good guy i am, i resisted the extreme temptation to beat the shit out of him and leave him in a bloody heap in the corner of the school.
happy i graduated. sad that my high school was so shit, missed those fantasy anime like high school experiences. still dont know that many girls, cockfest school, cockfest life and after graduating from that cockfest school. ENLIGHTENMENT.
yes, i pretended to be that happy. honestly, feel no different.. moving on now with life!
i got a lot of shit to blog about. my second closest friend really made me think a lot today.. giving me genuine advice, he said he put it harshly but i took no offence whatsoever ._.
anyways, yeah... i've been in high school for six years yeah naturally people grow up and mature, looking forward but you really have to watch where your own two feet are taking you. ive changed a lot these last six years as he said, and even if i do all this shit... drink, blah blah, will i really be happy with who i am? he said it to me like it really is. i get home and im just fucking depressed, only looking forward to the next time. i have a lot of respect for him, even more so now, he admits where he went wrong but looks forward to make that into a positive experience.
honestly, i could have done sooo much shit. fucked up my life and all but even though i understand why people do certain things im still fucking insecure a lot really. im really bad with words, i can type all this shit but i cant say it out loud.. which makes me even more weak as a person but despite this i managed to keep semi-good morals and still mature well as a person. look... seriously, not being a dickhead or anything but i could have hooked up with literally 100 girls or more by this point in my life but i choose to be a better person, drunk or not and keep my self respect. if you cant respect yourself as a person how the hell do you expecr anyone else to respect you? sure, i havent fucking kissed a girl, had a girlfriend or even had a proper fling but i dont need those sort of small things in my life. need something proper because each of those small things would leave me unsatisfied when i come back home because i would know theres no meaning to it and id only be degrading myself.
a friend i only recently met properly asked me if im this nice to everyone? i answered uh, im a being nice? im always like this and they said i must be one of those genuinely nice people... its a compliment in a way but i know im not nice to everyone, im a hater sometimes and other times just rude but i dont know :/ i dont wanna be shoved in a nice guy category, nice guys finish last! haha :s but yeah, like my brother told me once, although they dont admit it, most girls just dont go for 'nice' guys, too boring, everyone needs a bit of badasss.
just picked up my brother from the station while im writing this, probably shouldn't no random breathtest pleaase, anyway, my brothers the best i could ask for, love him no homo, haha ANYWAYS, but yeah, going along, everyone needs good friends because it really does determine your future... one wrong decision can fuck everything over. i found it nice today realising im not the only one thinking such fucking retarded thoughts x) this is why i dont have white friends, they'll just pass me ooff as a pussy/cunt and fuck off.. generally, sure theres exceptions.
anyway, you have friends who drink/smoke because you drink/smoke... you laugh at the same shit. wow... today really made me realise the shit that happens. i really need to cherish my life, love it for what i have and appreciate every moment. it really pisses me off how i cant think and talk like this at the same rate. -sigh.
i truly think, if you can go to sleep happy with yourself then your life is perfect and you're doing everything fine.. need a goal and be happy. dont mourn the past, smile for the future eh. heh. quoting my mates, love them. (:
bear with me for just the one moment of messed up glory.
WOOOOOOOOOOOO. i just dominated my LoL game.
i started with the shittest team, amumu solo mid, annie and cait
getting dominated at bottom, have no fear! cameron is here,
i took down their whole team by myself, hectic brahhhh. :D
fuarkkk, don't know why i was so overly emotional yesterday. its definently cus i was listening to kodoubleu. those original songs just like... OMG. heh. i've met a few interesting people at library though like actually and i really think they're better friends sometimes then the other friends i have and it does make me sad how im not going to see a lot of them after HSC and all :\ its been fun... guess nothing can really last forever. im just not content sometimes!
i get nervous. i get shy. i get freaking frigid. but i can also be confident, strong and happy yeah. shines at different times... really gotta smile through everything and anything! screw these NSBs with no morals who honestly just piss the fuck out of me, that 90% which im talking about, good dam, she really does make me feel peaceful sometimes. its a clenching yet nice feeling. ive been a little lost lately but if theres one thing i know, ill miss my that sense of peace i got from seeing my friends at library when i got there, the hours i spent with them studying and joking around. it actually makes me a little teary. i use to hate being around people because i was so self conscious and timid but now i dont think i can live without people like these people in my life, it just gives me a little happiness and sense of security and i feel like after HSC im not going to able to see friends everyday like this... maybe its cus i was listening to that song while typing this. made me feel a little more emotional HAHA. fook, okay i cried happy? but honestly, moments like these go by so fast and even though they're not as technically fun as other times, being able to just see friends let alone talk with them is enough for me. im really not strong eh.. okay now im just fucking depressed over this. i gotta stop before my eyes get puffy FOOK. but im really grateful that i have people who i can talk with so freely, even if i haven't known them for long i feel like i've been friends for ages compared to people who i've been friends with for ages and although theres all those things that i know about them and just expect them to do things.. i haven't even felt as close to them as i do with some people i've only met for a few days sometimes.
i also noticed today when people are touchy, it makes you feel like you have a better relationship with them sometimes... no homo. heh. better stop now!
OK. took deep breaths, tehhe. im good, but i really do love those moments when my heart starts beating fast. :D
oh god, just realised like my last 5 posts don't have pictures because i've been posting them from my phone, haha. :D
ive been a little clueless lately and just doing whatever comes my way! my phones not charging properly and its annoying as, but ive literally just been going library everyday and seeing the same people there, studying with the same people.. sunday was nicer for some reason when there was more people around. its nice seeing people i haven't seen in a while! i'm a little happy that chatswood library opens soon but most people live too far away so... ILL JUST KEEP STUDYING HARD. (:
and its only now i realise how uncomfortable it is living each day, living each minute troubling myself with this and that, that feeling of unease i can only get when faced with certain aspects in life. talking to a certain person til i fall asleep, getting up in the morning the same way, i become accustomed to it and life without it seems too different. dont like change sometimes, i really dont. i have to admit i put it on myself sometimes, you cant be as nice as you'd like to be to everyone, fuck i wish i could kage bunshin no jutsu, woo, fucking naruto nerd.. D:
i realised a lot of people are actually quite judgmental, some people just don't get along with these people, others just don't like these people and then when you're stuck inbetween its jusrt like fuck.. secretly you know which side you'd pick but you'd really rather not...
a few more days and schools finally over, the trouble when you go library everyday is you have days when you're the only one there, days when only a friend or two come and days where its bloody some asian festival, those days are worst because you want to sit with certain people but then theres other, feel dog here and then even worse you're just like stuck and all you really just want to do is sit with some friends and study. x) sure some friends make the experience more joyful but shit happens and its aggravating sometimes. just sit by myself!? then im not taking sides. HAHA. i hate how library is so far away from parking too and and and... sometimes its just annoying when someone you don't like tries to chime in with your friends, library or not, shoo please. now i feel hypocritical there, cameron joining the worlds biggest hypocrites! but honestly, if you're not friends, fuark, just fuck off!
and and and... maybe when chatswood library opens ill just isolate myself away from everyone :x im too indecisive to make these sort of decisions. small yet ever so important.
i finished my chem tutor mock test in 20 min... 1 hr test my ass. just wasting my time when i could be studying my ass off at library, i feel bad if i leave early but its really not very productive at all, ahhh.
my minds still messy but ive just accepted to just keep on going, content with what i have and life shall be happier if i just take it like that. two months til HSC is over! (:
just checked my friends blogspot and realised they posted a post regarding some formspring question i sent them because i couldn't post on their blogspot cus their comment section was messed up, and they got at least a bit of motivation from it!
if i can smile genuinely and help those around me be happy too, isn't it the right thing? [:
if i can smile genuinely and help those around me be happy too, isn't it the right thing? [:
when i go to korea in janruary/february, im seriously going to just buy like a whole new wardrobe. (:
im sick of the shitty clothes i have. :s i have no clothes that i genuinely like from my wardrobe... waiting for that independence.
im sick of the shitty clothes i have. :s i have no clothes that i genuinely like from my wardrobe... waiting for that independence.
i like sweaters which aren't too thick, but not too thin, are long and cover my whole arm and half my hand but not too tight around the neck :)
its really true eh. a song can describe how you feel better than any words...
thought that it really expresses how im feeling at the moment...
shes pretty and talented.
thought that it really expresses how im feeling at the moment...
shes pretty and talented.
first post from my phone: don't know how the layout will turn out but im in tutor and feel like blogging.
ive been feeling really, really hopeless lately. almost everybody treats me like im there only as a necessity, im here to comfort you when you're down, im here to hang with you when you have nobody else and im here to talk to you when you're bored. it just makes me feel like everyone 'hates' or at the least dislikes me. i have so many dislikes about so many people but i ignore those things for the sake of friendship or purely because i believe my life will end up being happier with you still in it. guys and girls, just so no one thinks im a cheesey cunt. :s that brings me to something else too. im not being cocky here but honestly, i could be a fucking sweet, cute yet fucking nice enough guy to flirt with every second girl and most people arent happy with their lives so when somebody compliments them etc, it just makes you like that and you get happy from it. i could have been through 10 girls but that would only fucking degrade me further. i have enough respect for myself to only care and be loyal to somebody i actually really care about. sometimes they're friends and sometimes i'd hope they're more but just like everyone else, fucking hoping for a fable like fantasy...
anyways, getting back to believing my life would be better with certain people whos flaws and imperfections, wrong actions and hate i choose to ignore, sometimes i seriously question whether it is all worth it. can i make better friends? sure there are nice people out there but sometimes there still needs to be that level of sociability so that i can still feel comfortable hanging out with them... everyone in this worlds a fucking hypocrite, even myself at times, i realise after i do some things how hypocritical i am :/ its just stupid honestly.
you know, life really isn't simple, although it appears so simple and stereotypical, baby, school, uni, job and partner, old then death. but inbetween that its just full of complexities. a friend told me once that im the only one overcomplicating things by literally mindfucking myself but thats just me. im the type of fucked up guy who would talk to himself on the way home so he doesnt feel lonely yet say devo things and get pissed off by myself. im the type of fucked up guy who would want to drink to oblivion just to try and forget about those past memories that only fucking give me pain... -sigh.
theres a lot of things i can put up with but sometimes things just get to me, and i hold those hateful memories in me no matter what good those people do:
take for example one,
i hate it when people dont agree with your actions, thats the same for everyone but i can at least respect that, when they take actions themselves to stop the person doing those actions out of a percieved sense of helping them, thats wrong. like, most of my close friends smoke and i respect that, even light up their cigarettes for them because its a decision they made themselves although i would never smoke in my life no matter how many times ive thought about it.
example two,
when somebody doesnt see reason... when their logic of reasoning is just so superficial that it pisses me off because i know its not their own opinion they're just relying on somebody elses reasoning... fucking superficial, fake and causes unnecessary sacrifices for those close ones around them.
lastly,
when somebody links someone to something i have seen 50 times and they say more superficial shit about it. ive loyally followed certain youtubers and everything because i genuinely love everything they stand for or they make me happy but when people... urgh.
also when people i dont like watch drama/anime that i love and disrespect it with their naive points of view, maybe im really just born short tempered but although i dont turn to violence anymore... still get just as pissed off.
oh, i got some more shit to say. x) im still feeling just as hopeless as the start of this rant. i know i should be grateful for a lot of things but my high school life is over finally. i remember fantasising so much to the point i dreamt about it about being in a co-ed school and living a normal life because face it, my atar isnt really gonna be much better with my current ranks. i really really fucking hate how i can put in so much effort, more then at least 90% of the grade and still be in the bottom 10% of the school, it made me really lose my motivation. people never even recognise that i worked hard, i honestly worked hard everyday during last term for 10 weeks just for trials and still feeling just as bad. my marks were terrible, came last in a few things, failed my first test, it was honestly fucking ridiculous. i dont care if you're saying im not studying properly, because i know i am. i studied extremely productively, did over 40-50 papers for maths alone and i really wish i was at least recognised for it but when people only see shit results, no one realises it. x) my parents especially.
furthermore, i really just need to be recognised by some people.. at least that i exist. thats why i was so happy and fluttery that some girl recognised me yesterday at unsw when i only met her once and didnt even talk much then. x) happy yet still not going to talk with them ever. everyone just seems in a different world then me, everyone. im on a different platform yet the same... everyones on platform 9 and a 3/4 but im on platform 9 and 6/8 ... lovely analogy cameron. if anyone even reads up to here, it would really make me realise that some people notice me enough to bother that far even if its a complete random.
i dont like to flaunt myself and my insecurities because they only lead to awkward situations but sometimes it just turns out that way. i never flaunt my formspring on fb/msn, never flaunt my blog unless people ask for it specifically but sometimes it would be nice to know that people you know care. for some reason then i thought of kishimoto in gantz slitting her wrist in the bathroom. ANYWAYS, im not that suicidal dont worry, i want to live a nice life, only being able to look forward to a nicer future.
i think ill leave it with this last paragraph purely because im starting to mindfuck myself too much and cant think of anything else to write about. so, i want to like this one girl. i havent known her long, shes cute, nice and seemingly cares for me has a lot of complications in her life and tastes that i cant comprehend and everyone thinks i like her, i do.. she makes me smile sometimes but im insecure because im not sure whether they're able to sustain my selfish needs sometimes, they live far away and have a lot of complications in their life so i cant talk to them much. my face lights up when i see them but im still unsure about myself, im too indecisive and never seem to be able to take the lead well.
tbh, theres also other people that make me smile too and i feel its wrong for me to do so even though im not commited to them. ive said this before but not as clearly. i feel like im more compatible with this person because they're just more comfortable because they know so much more about me although they dont realise and still talk to me... but then again they wouldnt like me like that. and there arent as many complications but i think its really wrong for me to do so so i force myself away from it. :s
im definently going to end up taking person number 1 because everyone thinks im taking them and i dont want to look like a prick and i genuinely want to see where it will take me. taking person number 2 would be nice but improbable. ive decided to just let things play out because ive mindfucked myself too many times thinking it. honestly, fuck my drunk mouth.
so cameron, let life take it as it is, keep true to your own morals and dont let anyone fucking stop you from what you believe is right. //
ive been feeling really, really hopeless lately. almost everybody treats me like im there only as a necessity, im here to comfort you when you're down, im here to hang with you when you have nobody else and im here to talk to you when you're bored. it just makes me feel like everyone 'hates' or at the least dislikes me. i have so many dislikes about so many people but i ignore those things for the sake of friendship or purely because i believe my life will end up being happier with you still in it. guys and girls, just so no one thinks im a cheesey cunt. :s that brings me to something else too. im not being cocky here but honestly, i could be a fucking sweet, cute yet fucking nice enough guy to flirt with every second girl and most people arent happy with their lives so when somebody compliments them etc, it just makes you like that and you get happy from it. i could have been through 10 girls but that would only fucking degrade me further. i have enough respect for myself to only care and be loyal to somebody i actually really care about. sometimes they're friends and sometimes i'd hope they're more but just like everyone else, fucking hoping for a fable like fantasy...
anyways, getting back to believing my life would be better with certain people whos flaws and imperfections, wrong actions and hate i choose to ignore, sometimes i seriously question whether it is all worth it. can i make better friends? sure there are nice people out there but sometimes there still needs to be that level of sociability so that i can still feel comfortable hanging out with them... everyone in this worlds a fucking hypocrite, even myself at times, i realise after i do some things how hypocritical i am :/ its just stupid honestly.
you know, life really isn't simple, although it appears so simple and stereotypical, baby, school, uni, job and partner, old then death. but inbetween that its just full of complexities. a friend told me once that im the only one overcomplicating things by literally mindfucking myself but thats just me. im the type of fucked up guy who would talk to himself on the way home so he doesnt feel lonely yet say devo things and get pissed off by myself. im the type of fucked up guy who would want to drink to oblivion just to try and forget about those past memories that only fucking give me pain... -sigh.
theres a lot of things i can put up with but sometimes things just get to me, and i hold those hateful memories in me no matter what good those people do:
take for example one,
i hate it when people dont agree with your actions, thats the same for everyone but i can at least respect that, when they take actions themselves to stop the person doing those actions out of a percieved sense of helping them, thats wrong. like, most of my close friends smoke and i respect that, even light up their cigarettes for them because its a decision they made themselves although i would never smoke in my life no matter how many times ive thought about it.
example two,
when somebody doesnt see reason... when their logic of reasoning is just so superficial that it pisses me off because i know its not their own opinion they're just relying on somebody elses reasoning... fucking superficial, fake and causes unnecessary sacrifices for those close ones around them.
lastly,
when somebody links someone to something i have seen 50 times and they say more superficial shit about it. ive loyally followed certain youtubers and everything because i genuinely love everything they stand for or they make me happy but when people... urgh.
also when people i dont like watch drama/anime that i love and disrespect it with their naive points of view, maybe im really just born short tempered but although i dont turn to violence anymore... still get just as pissed off.
oh, i got some more shit to say. x) im still feeling just as hopeless as the start of this rant. i know i should be grateful for a lot of things but my high school life is over finally. i remember fantasising so much to the point i dreamt about it about being in a co-ed school and living a normal life because face it, my atar isnt really gonna be much better with my current ranks. i really really fucking hate how i can put in so much effort, more then at least 90% of the grade and still be in the bottom 10% of the school, it made me really lose my motivation. people never even recognise that i worked hard, i honestly worked hard everyday during last term for 10 weeks just for trials and still feeling just as bad. my marks were terrible, came last in a few things, failed my first test, it was honestly fucking ridiculous. i dont care if you're saying im not studying properly, because i know i am. i studied extremely productively, did over 40-50 papers for maths alone and i really wish i was at least recognised for it but when people only see shit results, no one realises it. x) my parents especially.
furthermore, i really just need to be recognised by some people.. at least that i exist. thats why i was so happy and fluttery that some girl recognised me yesterday at unsw when i only met her once and didnt even talk much then. x) happy yet still not going to talk with them ever. everyone just seems in a different world then me, everyone. im on a different platform yet the same... everyones on platform 9 and a 3/4 but im on platform 9 and 6/8 ... lovely analogy cameron. if anyone even reads up to here, it would really make me realise that some people notice me enough to bother that far even if its a complete random.
i dont like to flaunt myself and my insecurities because they only lead to awkward situations but sometimes it just turns out that way. i never flaunt my formspring on fb/msn, never flaunt my blog unless people ask for it specifically but sometimes it would be nice to know that people you know care. for some reason then i thought of kishimoto in gantz slitting her wrist in the bathroom. ANYWAYS, im not that suicidal dont worry, i want to live a nice life, only being able to look forward to a nicer future.
i think ill leave it with this last paragraph purely because im starting to mindfuck myself too much and cant think of anything else to write about. so, i want to like this one girl. i havent known her long, shes cute, nice and seemingly cares for me has a lot of complications in her life and tastes that i cant comprehend and everyone thinks i like her, i do.. she makes me smile sometimes but im insecure because im not sure whether they're able to sustain my selfish needs sometimes, they live far away and have a lot of complications in their life so i cant talk to them much. my face lights up when i see them but im still unsure about myself, im too indecisive and never seem to be able to take the lead well.
tbh, theres also other people that make me smile too and i feel its wrong for me to do so even though im not commited to them. ive said this before but not as clearly. i feel like im more compatible with this person because they're just more comfortable because they know so much more about me although they dont realise and still talk to me... but then again they wouldnt like me like that. and there arent as many complications but i think its really wrong for me to do so so i force myself away from it. :s
im definently going to end up taking person number 1 because everyone thinks im taking them and i dont want to look like a prick and i genuinely want to see where it will take me. taking person number 2 would be nice but improbable. ive decided to just let things play out because ive mindfucked myself too many times thinking it. honestly, fuck my drunk mouth.
so cameron, let life take it as it is, keep true to your own morals and dont let anyone fucking stop you from what you believe is right. //
shin woo, story of my life.
not even kidding.
anyways, heres two emo belonging creative writings that i wrote, one at the start of the year and one today. be enlightened... i know they're crap, never write like this in exams. its actually just emo stuff...
not even kidding.
anyways, heres two emo belonging creative writings that i wrote, one at the start of the year and one today. be enlightened... i know they're crap, never write like this in exams. its actually just emo stuff...
Lost
Retreated into the corner of the school classroom by myself once again I glanced left to right at my classmates, the walls and the floor as they laughed and smiled effortlessly, making merry with each other… its painful. I know I don’t need those people, they’ll only betray my trust, hurt my feelings and treat me like dirt, I can’t get over it. Every time I try to… converse with them, I’m the only one paying the price and I’m sick of it, over it and so without a second thought I left the classroom as I felt the pestilence of the stares of those people seeping into my head.Days passed as I was cooped up in my own little world, alone in my room in this foreign land. My family and ‘friends’ didn’t even bother trying to contact me. My parents left early just after sunrise and came back just after dark. I never saw their faces anymore, or maybe I just didn’t want to recognise their existence anymore. It’s just that everything seemed so trivial to me now, after these seventeen years of my life I’ve started to realise, one little thing after another how pointless my existence is, how insignificant I am. One person out of the billions of people in the world, I took it into perspective. My school with roughly one thousand people had not one person I liked and if I put them head to toe between one another they would stretch for around 15 minutes walk, if I put all the people in the world head to toe, I’d be walking for the rest of my life. One person is just too insignificant, I was sick of those stereotypical, conventional ideas. One is born to live, breed, and die. Thoughts just ran through my head like the crankshafts of a new V8 engine, too many and too fast.
Many thoughts passed through my head in those days and before I knew it those days became weeks and those weeks became months. The school had contacted my parents, and they briefly told me that if I did not return to school to up my attendance rate to the required level and sit the final exams, I would not be able to graduate. Another forced rule which the general population is forced to abide to. This forced me to stumble on more meanings, the point of exams? Is it to test the individual against the greater population, what is the point, what is the point of anything? I always came back to that question. Love, Hate, Jealousy. Human emotions. Maths, English, Science. Pointless human creations in an attempt to condense the little information humanity has obtained throughout the years into a learnable environment for future generations to continue with humanities idealised lifestyle. However, something, I’m assuming that is instinctual to the human caused me to long for relationships with other people, to talk to them, to … bond with them. And eventually, it just got too much. Day in day out after the school contacted me, I couldn’t help but think about those walls, those floors, those smiling faces of the people around me in and out of school that brought that little bit of joy to me. Before I continued to question myself anymore, I just cleared my mind, and forced myself out of the house to school.
Facing those pestilence glares once again, I took a closer look, maybe they weren’t so demonic as I made them out to be, there seemed to be… pity, disgrace? I don’t know which is better but ignoring them I slowly tried to integrate myself back into school life as the final exams neared. Maths, English, Science. These creations were all I thought about for the last two months and before I knew it, the time was ripe. The final exams had closed in and everyone was too intense to even glare at me anymore. This only made my insignificance worsen, as I attempted to ‘study’ with other individuals, we barely conversed. The classroom, outside school, everywhere, time just seemed to slow down. Why do they not acknowledge me? Did I ever do anything to make them question me? Am I not worthy enough to be around them? What makes worthy people worthy? What is the point of me even thinking about such menial matters? Fluttered with questions once again, the final exams flew by and our graduation was nearing.
The graduation ceremony. The pinnacle and celebratory moment of the first eighteen years of people’s lives, people cried around, others you could almost visualise the excitement and relief steaming from their body. But not I, unmotivated, undetermined, questioning at the pointlessness of every moment, I still could not understand what allowed individuals to be satisfied with their state of being. Walking back home alone as others gathered outside I pushed past them as others also strolled past me, looking at the ground, and up to the road, I tripped. What is the point of anything was my final thought as I heard the deafening horn of the truck in my left ear.
Recognition
Everyone wants to be recognised, everyone wants to know that something in their small insignificant lives is worth something more than just nothing and for that even small amount of recognition we’d exert ourselves to we’re physically unable to move forward anymore. In our world, our mentality has forced us to recognise certain aspects of individual, specific aspects of appearance, language, culture… interlinking everyone. And day after day, even after realising the psychological aspect of it, I still crave to be recognised, it has become instinctual.
Her beautiful voice soared across the auditorium as tranquil as an undisturbed pond and as beautiful as an undisturbed pond. I couldn’t understand a word she was saying but the sound was heavenly to my ears. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, the siren-like entrapment wove around my body and all logical thoughts left my mind. But still, even in a state like that you once again turn and think, that persons on another level then me, from another world and here I am staring at them with these hundreds of people around me. Am I the only one looking at her? Is everyone else looking at her or the other people singing…? Am I the only victim to this long tiresome journey with no happy ending? Thinking so hard until my temples started to hurt, it’s a bad habit…yet I always tend to overthink, all I wanted was to be recognised by her. She was gorgeous, amazing and in my eyes perfect, when she smiled it made me happy, when she’s sad it makes me want to protect her… from anything and forever. Such a fable like fantasy will only ever stay a fable like fantasy because that’s reality… so I try to tell myself no, be more realistic and like somebody… simpler, but in the end, no one is simple and when they’re the first thought that pops into your mind in the morning then you know you’re fucked.
I knew her name. I knew her face. And just like that I turned to my best friend, facebook. I have become reliant on such a tedious social-networking site to find small parts of happiness in my life on that path to be recognised. Some call it stalking but as I keep justifying to myself, there are privacy settings on facebook, I don’t follow them around, or maybe I’m just denying it because I’m too much of a coward. This is our teenage generation. A race of stalkers. First facebook, then twitter, formspring… The list goes on. First it started out with anonymous questions still too cowardly to move forward, then ‘liking/smiling’ their posts, internet related jargon… how menial but it’s how this world has become. Then that first stop of recognition, ‘are you…’
Things progress, step by step and you are able to talk to them, able to be happy around them and what seemed like an eternity away becomes ever so close but you’re still stuck there… You like them but you’re not meant to, you love them but you can’t say so, you trust them with everything about you and still you’re stuck in that fable like fantasy because you’re meant to like somebody simpler. Even with recognition that you exist, you need to be able to recognise yourself, figure yourself out and understand those inner cogs that always seem to jam up. What you once thought as personal becomes entirely theirs, they don’t think they know you but they know more about you then anyone ever has and still talking to you beside that, recognising your existence it tears you to pieces. You feel like you’ve become boring to them, you never think you’re good enough… just too many insecurities and every little thing out of that specific aspects of appearance, language… that you step out of only heightens those insecurities as they loom over you perpetually. You tell others that you don’t like them because you’re meant to like someone else… A scapegoat… but then the pain comes back and you’re hit back to reality again. Stop seeking out that fable like fantasy and wake up you tell yourself, day in day out. But what you really need is to recognise yourself and be recognised by someone. That is love. When your insecurities have died away, when you can find happiness with another, when you break free of reality and create your own fable like fantasy, there lays life out in front of you in the palm of your hand. But once again, even after understanding your own comprehension of the psychological aspect of it, you’re still craving that fable like fantasy while you’re living in a reality that you feel you can never, ever, ever; break out of.
