Newest Post
// On :September 4, 2011
first post from my phone: don't know how the layout will turn out but im in tutor and feel like blogging.
ive been feeling really, really hopeless lately. almost everybody treats me like im there only as a necessity, im here to comfort you when you're down, im here to hang with you when you have nobody else and im here to talk to you when you're bored. it just makes me feel like everyone 'hates' or at the least dislikes me. i have so many dislikes about so many people but i ignore those things for the sake of friendship or purely because i believe my life will end up being happier with you still in it. guys and girls, just so no one thinks im a cheesey cunt. :s that brings me to something else too. im not being cocky here but honestly, i could be a fucking sweet, cute yet fucking nice enough guy to flirt with every second girl and most people arent happy with their lives so when somebody compliments them etc, it just makes you like that and you get happy from it. i could have been through 10 girls but that would only fucking degrade me further. i have enough respect for myself to only care and be loyal to somebody i actually really care about. sometimes they're friends and sometimes i'd hope they're more but just like everyone else, fucking hoping for a fable like fantasy...
anyways, getting back to believing my life would be better with certain people whos flaws and imperfections, wrong actions and hate i choose to ignore, sometimes i seriously question whether it is all worth it. can i make better friends? sure there are nice people out there but sometimes there still needs to be that level of sociability so that i can still feel comfortable hanging out with them... everyone in this worlds a fucking hypocrite, even myself at times, i realise after i do some things how hypocritical i am :/ its just stupid honestly.
you know, life really isn't simple, although it appears so simple and stereotypical, baby, school, uni, job and partner, old then death. but inbetween that its just full of complexities. a friend told me once that im the only one overcomplicating things by literally mindfucking myself but thats just me. im the type of fucked up guy who would talk to himself on the way home so he doesnt feel lonely yet say devo things and get pissed off by myself. im the type of fucked up guy who would want to drink to oblivion just to try and forget about those past memories that only fucking give me pain... -sigh.
theres a lot of things i can put up with but sometimes things just get to me, and i hold those hateful memories in me no matter what good those people do:
take for example one,
i hate it when people dont agree with your actions, thats the same for everyone but i can at least respect that, when they take actions themselves to stop the person doing those actions out of a percieved sense of helping them, thats wrong. like, most of my close friends smoke and i respect that, even light up their cigarettes for them because its a decision they made themselves although i would never smoke in my life no matter how many times ive thought about it.
example two,
when somebody doesnt see reason... when their logic of reasoning is just so superficial that it pisses me off because i know its not their own opinion they're just relying on somebody elses reasoning... fucking superficial, fake and causes unnecessary sacrifices for those close ones around them.
lastly,
when somebody links someone to something i have seen 50 times and they say more superficial shit about it. ive loyally followed certain youtubers and everything because i genuinely love everything they stand for or they make me happy but when people... urgh.
also when people i dont like watch drama/anime that i love and disrespect it with their naive points of view, maybe im really just born short tempered but although i dont turn to violence anymore... still get just as pissed off.
oh, i got some more shit to say. x) im still feeling just as hopeless as the start of this rant. i know i should be grateful for a lot of things but my high school life is over finally. i remember fantasising so much to the point i dreamt about it about being in a co-ed school and living a normal life because face it, my atar isnt really gonna be much better with my current ranks. i really really fucking hate how i can put in so much effort, more then at least 90% of the grade and still be in the bottom 10% of the school, it made me really lose my motivation. people never even recognise that i worked hard, i honestly worked hard everyday during last term for 10 weeks just for trials and still feeling just as bad. my marks were terrible, came last in a few things, failed my first test, it was honestly fucking ridiculous. i dont care if you're saying im not studying properly, because i know i am. i studied extremely productively, did over 40-50 papers for maths alone and i really wish i was at least recognised for it but when people only see shit results, no one realises it. x) my parents especially.
furthermore, i really just need to be recognised by some people.. at least that i exist. thats why i was so happy and fluttery that some girl recognised me yesterday at unsw when i only met her once and didnt even talk much then. x) happy yet still not going to talk with them ever. everyone just seems in a different world then me, everyone. im on a different platform yet the same... everyones on platform 9 and a 3/4 but im on platform 9 and 6/8 ... lovely analogy cameron. if anyone even reads up to here, it would really make me realise that some people notice me enough to bother that far even if its a complete random.
i dont like to flaunt myself and my insecurities because they only lead to awkward situations but sometimes it just turns out that way. i never flaunt my formspring on fb/msn, never flaunt my blog unless people ask for it specifically but sometimes it would be nice to know that people you know care. for some reason then i thought of kishimoto in gantz slitting her wrist in the bathroom. ANYWAYS, im not that suicidal dont worry, i want to live a nice life, only being able to look forward to a nicer future.
i think ill leave it with this last paragraph purely because im starting to mindfuck myself too much and cant think of anything else to write about. so, i want to like this one girl. i havent known her long, shes cute, nice and seemingly cares for me has a lot of complications in her life and tastes that i cant comprehend and everyone thinks i like her, i do.. she makes me smile sometimes but im insecure because im not sure whether they're able to sustain my selfish needs sometimes, they live far away and have a lot of complications in their life so i cant talk to them much. my face lights up when i see them but im still unsure about myself, im too indecisive and never seem to be able to take the lead well.
tbh, theres also other people that make me smile too and i feel its wrong for me to do so even though im not commited to them. ive said this before but not as clearly. i feel like im more compatible with this person because they're just more comfortable because they know so much more about me although they dont realise and still talk to me... but then again they wouldnt like me like that. and there arent as many complications but i think its really wrong for me to do so so i force myself away from it. :s
im definently going to end up taking person number 1 because everyone thinks im taking them and i dont want to look like a prick and i genuinely want to see where it will take me. taking person number 2 would be nice but improbable. ive decided to just let things play out because ive mindfucked myself too many times thinking it. honestly, fuck my drunk mouth.
so cameron, let life take it as it is, keep true to your own morals and dont let anyone fucking stop you from what you believe is right. //
ive been feeling really, really hopeless lately. almost everybody treats me like im there only as a necessity, im here to comfort you when you're down, im here to hang with you when you have nobody else and im here to talk to you when you're bored. it just makes me feel like everyone 'hates' or at the least dislikes me. i have so many dislikes about so many people but i ignore those things for the sake of friendship or purely because i believe my life will end up being happier with you still in it. guys and girls, just so no one thinks im a cheesey cunt. :s that brings me to something else too. im not being cocky here but honestly, i could be a fucking sweet, cute yet fucking nice enough guy to flirt with every second girl and most people arent happy with their lives so when somebody compliments them etc, it just makes you like that and you get happy from it. i could have been through 10 girls but that would only fucking degrade me further. i have enough respect for myself to only care and be loyal to somebody i actually really care about. sometimes they're friends and sometimes i'd hope they're more but just like everyone else, fucking hoping for a fable like fantasy...
anyways, getting back to believing my life would be better with certain people whos flaws and imperfections, wrong actions and hate i choose to ignore, sometimes i seriously question whether it is all worth it. can i make better friends? sure there are nice people out there but sometimes there still needs to be that level of sociability so that i can still feel comfortable hanging out with them... everyone in this worlds a fucking hypocrite, even myself at times, i realise after i do some things how hypocritical i am :/ its just stupid honestly.
you know, life really isn't simple, although it appears so simple and stereotypical, baby, school, uni, job and partner, old then death. but inbetween that its just full of complexities. a friend told me once that im the only one overcomplicating things by literally mindfucking myself but thats just me. im the type of fucked up guy who would talk to himself on the way home so he doesnt feel lonely yet say devo things and get pissed off by myself. im the type of fucked up guy who would want to drink to oblivion just to try and forget about those past memories that only fucking give me pain... -sigh.
theres a lot of things i can put up with but sometimes things just get to me, and i hold those hateful memories in me no matter what good those people do:
take for example one,
i hate it when people dont agree with your actions, thats the same for everyone but i can at least respect that, when they take actions themselves to stop the person doing those actions out of a percieved sense of helping them, thats wrong. like, most of my close friends smoke and i respect that, even light up their cigarettes for them because its a decision they made themselves although i would never smoke in my life no matter how many times ive thought about it.
example two,
when somebody doesnt see reason... when their logic of reasoning is just so superficial that it pisses me off because i know its not their own opinion they're just relying on somebody elses reasoning... fucking superficial, fake and causes unnecessary sacrifices for those close ones around them.
lastly,
when somebody links someone to something i have seen 50 times and they say more superficial shit about it. ive loyally followed certain youtubers and everything because i genuinely love everything they stand for or they make me happy but when people... urgh.
also when people i dont like watch drama/anime that i love and disrespect it with their naive points of view, maybe im really just born short tempered but although i dont turn to violence anymore... still get just as pissed off.
oh, i got some more shit to say. x) im still feeling just as hopeless as the start of this rant. i know i should be grateful for a lot of things but my high school life is over finally. i remember fantasising so much to the point i dreamt about it about being in a co-ed school and living a normal life because face it, my atar isnt really gonna be much better with my current ranks. i really really fucking hate how i can put in so much effort, more then at least 90% of the grade and still be in the bottom 10% of the school, it made me really lose my motivation. people never even recognise that i worked hard, i honestly worked hard everyday during last term for 10 weeks just for trials and still feeling just as bad. my marks were terrible, came last in a few things, failed my first test, it was honestly fucking ridiculous. i dont care if you're saying im not studying properly, because i know i am. i studied extremely productively, did over 40-50 papers for maths alone and i really wish i was at least recognised for it but when people only see shit results, no one realises it. x) my parents especially.
furthermore, i really just need to be recognised by some people.. at least that i exist. thats why i was so happy and fluttery that some girl recognised me yesterday at unsw when i only met her once and didnt even talk much then. x) happy yet still not going to talk with them ever. everyone just seems in a different world then me, everyone. im on a different platform yet the same... everyones on platform 9 and a 3/4 but im on platform 9 and 6/8 ... lovely analogy cameron. if anyone even reads up to here, it would really make me realise that some people notice me enough to bother that far even if its a complete random.
i dont like to flaunt myself and my insecurities because they only lead to awkward situations but sometimes it just turns out that way. i never flaunt my formspring on fb/msn, never flaunt my blog unless people ask for it specifically but sometimes it would be nice to know that people you know care. for some reason then i thought of kishimoto in gantz slitting her wrist in the bathroom. ANYWAYS, im not that suicidal dont worry, i want to live a nice life, only being able to look forward to a nicer future.
i think ill leave it with this last paragraph purely because im starting to mindfuck myself too much and cant think of anything else to write about. so, i want to like this one girl. i havent known her long, shes cute, nice and seemingly cares for me has a lot of complications in her life and tastes that i cant comprehend and everyone thinks i like her, i do.. she makes me smile sometimes but im insecure because im not sure whether they're able to sustain my selfish needs sometimes, they live far away and have a lot of complications in their life so i cant talk to them much. my face lights up when i see them but im still unsure about myself, im too indecisive and never seem to be able to take the lead well.
tbh, theres also other people that make me smile too and i feel its wrong for me to do so even though im not commited to them. ive said this before but not as clearly. i feel like im more compatible with this person because they're just more comfortable because they know so much more about me although they dont realise and still talk to me... but then again they wouldnt like me like that. and there arent as many complications but i think its really wrong for me to do so so i force myself away from it. :s
im definently going to end up taking person number 1 because everyone thinks im taking them and i dont want to look like a prick and i genuinely want to see where it will take me. taking person number 2 would be nice but improbable. ive decided to just let things play out because ive mindfucked myself too many times thinking it. honestly, fuck my drunk mouth.
so cameron, let life take it as it is, keep true to your own morals and dont let anyone fucking stop you from what you believe is right. //
hey, man. I'm a complete random, but I bothered, so stop feeling so left out. ;A; gee, those people you know sure sound like assholes.. But keep searching yeah? There's bound to be at least someone that cares about you as much as you care about him/her. Good friends are hard to find ya know. for every good friend there is, there's a bajilion assholes, i reckon, LOLOL. xD And yeah, don't let other people stop you from believing in what's right. and ask out that girl you like already, Haha! (y) (y)
ReplyDeletedam, you really are a complete random eh huy. :D thanks a lot. means a lot... a lot of them really are assholes but gotta put up with shit like that cus im still a kid yeah. :L you're my new best friend.. HAHA, im kidding but nah seriously, you're a great guy to take time out like that to type something to a complete random. yeah, they really are... more like a bajilion trillion, haha.
ReplyDeleteoh goddd, i'll see how things go!
Try to take things one at a time, and let your heart lead you to the right girl. You shouldn't *think* about your emotions and use logic, just be yourself and let the girl know you care about her. Change what you can; accept what you can't. I am sure that your heart will lead you in the right direction and even if things don't turn out the way you like, take it as a learning experience. If you don't take a chance, you will regret it... Just let these "flaws" in people go, don't take them too seriously. Your close friends will stick by you no matter what, perhaps you should spend more time treating the people you care about well rather than waste it on "hi, bye" people?
ReplyDeletei try not to use logic but honestly, if i just be myself and do that i'd be hitting on at least 10 people... thats even more wrong. have to use at least that much logic :\ the problems thinking what i can change. even if you say accept it, i know in my head that i need to accept it but physically and mentally i wont let myself accept things. i let a lot of flaws go, trust me, friendship is precious.. sometimes you have to make sacrifices to maintain that but when you're the only one making sacrifices time and time again, hard to know who is your actual true friends yeah... :s and cant just say goodbye, i want new friends. nothings that simple for me. i do, i really don't have any hi-bye people but i treat everybody with nicely who deserves it because no point making enemies for no reason. (:
ReplyDelete