redemption.

i got a lot of shit to blog about. my second closest friend really made me think a lot today.. giving me genuine advice, he said he put it harshly but i took no offence whatsoever ._.
anyways, yeah... i've been in high school for six years yeah naturally people grow up and mature, looking forward but you really have to watch where your own two feet are taking you. ive changed a lot these last six years as he said, and even if i do all this shit... drink, blah blah, will i really be happy with who i am? he said it to me like it really is. i get home and im just fucking depressed, only looking forward to the next time. i have a lot of respect for him, even more so now, he admits where he went wrong but looks forward to make that into a positive experience.

honestly, i could have done sooo much shit. fucked up my life and all but even though i understand why people do certain things im still fucking insecure a lot really. im really bad with words, i can type all this shit but i cant say it out loud.. which makes me even more weak as a person but despite this i managed to keep semi-good morals and still mature well as a person. look... seriously, not being a dickhead or anything but i could have hooked up with literally 100 girls or more by this point in my life but i choose to be a better person, drunk or not and keep my self respect. if you cant respect yourself as a person how the hell do you expecr anyone else to respect you? sure, i havent fucking kissed a girl, had a girlfriend or even had a proper fling but i dont need those sort of small things in my life. need something proper because each of those small things would leave me unsatisfied when i come back home because i would know theres no meaning to it and id only be degrading myself.
a friend i only recently met properly asked me if im this nice to everyone? i answered uh, im a being nice? im always like this and they said i must be one of those genuinely nice people... its a compliment in a way but i know im not nice to everyone, im a hater sometimes and other times just rude but i dont know :/ i dont wanna be shoved in a nice guy category, nice guys finish last! haha :s but yeah, like my brother told me once, although they dont admit it, most girls just dont go for 'nice' guys, too boring, everyone needs a bit of badasss.
just picked up my brother from the station while im writing this, probably shouldn't no random breathtest pleaase, anyway, my brothers the best i could ask for, love him no homo, haha ANYWAYS, but yeah, going along, everyone needs good friends because it really does determine your future... one wrong decision can fuck everything over. i found it nice today realising im not the only one thinking such fucking retarded thoughts x) this is why i dont have white friends, they'll just pass me ooff as a pussy/cunt and fuck off.. generally, sure theres exceptions.
anyway, you have friends who drink/smoke because you drink/smoke... you laugh at the same shit. wow... today really made me realise the shit that happens. i really need to cherish my life, love it for what i have and appreciate every moment. it really pisses me off how i cant think and talk like this at the same rate. -sigh.

i truly think, if you can go to sleep happy with yourself then your life is perfect and you're doing everything fine.. need a goal and be happy. dont mourn the past, smile for the future eh. heh. quoting my mates, love them. (: