redemption.

despite the fail spelling in the quote. best friends. its a nice thought.

every decision in life, you have to live with the rewards but also the consequences. every little thing in you do in life can have repercussions and they can come at you at the most unexpected points in time. for someone like me, ive just been living my life uncertain of the things that come in front of me, unsure when i make decisions. indecisive. for someone like me, ive just been living my life unable to know what i want, and unable to strive for it. still indecisive. for someone like me, do i even deserve a reward. im just so unsure about myself, my desires and everything. there were times in the past where i felt like i had friends by my side for whatever things come by and having that reassurance helped me to grow but now when i think about it, theres only so far you can go. once again, friends come and go. distance separates us, time separates us and worst of all the decisions you make may separate us, if there is room for forgiveness in this world you should take it because every single friend is precious. having somebody there who you know you can rely on, somebody who will stay by you through hard times and good times, its really irreplaceable.

nobody is the same. all friends are different and so unconsciously you treat them on different levels and in different ways. you judge them by their decisions and actions, that is undeniable and a problem within ourselves. yet it can also be a blessing. not everybody is worth your time, you can't judge the individual worth of each individual, each person shouldn't have the right to be above another but in our world now, thats just how it is. smarter people dominate not as smart people, stronger people dominate not as strong people and more popular people dominate those not popular people. and every single one of us as individuals, knowing that we're not the best at something feel inferior in aspects. but thats just how it is, because what you may lack in this area you may make up for in another as long as you have the determination to keep on going. but once again... saying things isn't doing things and thats where friends come in handy. our lives are based around our relationships with others, and as independent as you'd like to think you are, nobody is independent. from the day we were born we all depend on others to keep on going with life as we go it. by helping one another, we can move forward and once again... friends, having a great time of them, those moments are truly irreplaceable.

so as an individual, as a human being all i can do is cherish those moments i had, hope for new ones and hope that each day i can keep living strong, by my own values, meeting new people and embracing life as it is and once again... to be happy.

hehhhehe. (:
and onwards i go to another day where i know what to expect, where i know whats going to happen and ill keep this same smile on my face.

 need some love in my life, like a drama, need to be happy  ♥
 its truly easily said than done. (:

nope... my craving to beat the shit out of someone still hasn't subsided. i saw some ugly fucking private school white kid spit on the train track like 2m away from the edge, i have nothing wrong with spitting but you don't do it like that just to attempt to look cool infront of your faggot friends. i was actually picturing in my head, even though it was raining like going over and beating the shit out of him and all of his white private school friends.... afjuiehgoaiojge need to chill cameron. everythings just not going right. look its 9:30 and my MSN list is still empty. this is ridiculous, i can't even come home and chill by talking on msn anymore. maybe i just don't have any friends, not as many as i use to think i have. may as well just go library and lie on the ground til 10pm and come home... seriously. :s

oh wow, i just went to do maths homework for like 15 min to do one question.. and i realise i was typing up a blogpost. im doing it subconsciously, its my only friend... heh. still just as confused as i was yesterday, and nothings going to happen about it! ○

im seriously considering that im just not cut out for this sort of life. people don't understand how hard i actually studied for my trials, and its just come crushing down on me. im sick of the, you tried your hardest so it doesn't matter, thats only stuck as an ideology, when it comes down to it, its the most painful feeling ive ever experienced knowing that you put all this time and effort into something just to come last place regardless. it makes you think that you should just not try, that its not worth trying, that effort is meaningless. i swear lately its really pissing me off how people say, oh im so nervous for trials, blah blah, well i already had trials and i studied for it, while you're just sitting there complaining to the world how nervous you are and that you can't study. its seriously a joke, the worlds against me sometimes. one day im actually going to snap, in my head sometimes when i see people i seriously just imagine me just snapping and beating the shit out of them, like actually my imagination is usually crap but sometimes i can just imagine me like smacking them down to the ground and everything... i won't get too graphic. :x ive never done it but seriously... 진짜... fuck this.

theres nobody to talk to but myself, i have no real great friends but myself. sure i have a few good friends, and even my bestfriend but its not what i have pictured, my expectations have become too great from watching drama here, tv show there. its not the life i pictured therefore i can't feel satisfied with things so menial. i want to become better as a person, physically and mentally but its not happening. i want to live a fun life with no regrets, but its not happening. i want more than i can give. and thats something you never want to admit. and it seriously sucks to admit it but im actually fucked, my atar is going to be just over 90 if im lucky, ill be lucky to get into even unsw commerce, people say blah blah blah, ive been through that its not that hard, it works itself out you're nsb you'll do good. NO, i fucking wont. fuck, listen to me instead of fucking trying to comfort me for your own self-conceited satisfaction, don't ask me my mark and than go oh... im human too i have feelings. no, im not the same as everyone else, with some people i feel that elevated status where i feel superior to them, and for others i feel insuperior. thats just how shit works out you know? but sadly even those people i feel superior too, its bowled over when i hear their marks, everyones succeeding around me and it hurts.
i can't remember the last time that i was genuinely happy and sadly that happiness can't even last long enough to make me feel comforted. it really makes me want to become an alcoholic, because thats the only way i can take my mind off all the bullshit. its just some stereotypical excuse im using but it works.

you know whats pathetic, when a man breaks down and can't take it, people say its weak and its true. til he cries til his eyes become puffy yet nobody notices and he wants someone to realise that no, not everythings alright. i can put on this smile forever but sometimes its just not alright. will looking at pictures of beautiful korean girls who are actually 'out of my league' help me? no. just raise my expectations too far and beyond. sometimes... hmm.. (: said too much.

the other day i overcame that thing that i said i couldn't do when i got cancelled on. (: and i had fun... even though i was studying but somehow i wake up in the morning and im still thinking everythings just so crap!

even though this is a time of my life where im meant to be making decisions and everything, im still just as indecisive as i was in year 10, im still just as clueless as i was in yr 9, im still just as useless as i was in yr 8 and im still just as socially lost as i was in yr 7. im just never satisfied with whats happening around me. i had a dream last night, and it just confirms all these insecurities, so heartbroken when i woke up... yeah... i woke up because i was in someones apartment, and there was a hen coop underneath a big basket thing and than one of them got out and it like ran at me and i was like AAHHH. -wakes up. a little random right? :) but it was the best dream ive had in ages, pity i can never sleep properly in my bed anymore, i always end up diagonal on my bed and my head seems to fall off or my feet. :s

need a little comfort or reassurance in my life. 

people say live a life without regrets. but its so much more.

my friend the other day was telling me how we only live for our dreams, they surpass everything else... but than im sitting here and saying, i have no dreams, no aspirations for something better, the only thing i want to do right now is have fun, be with friends, succeed in life. but even then i don't know if i truly want that. i've been telling myself that i need to live a life of fun. im stuck in a tragic life. its because ive got such high standards for everything, im in an age where everything i look at is based on superficial expectations. i expect and want things that aren't and wouldn't be plausible. and i think about things which shouldn't need to be thought about.

take for instance, if one day i just got up and left the country, went to another city without telling anyone. id never ever see anyone i know ever again. thats how easy our connections with other people can be cut off.
take for instance again, i get plastic surgery to fix something i don't like about myself, everyone will look at me different and id lose friends based on doing something id want. everything and everyone is superficial nowdays.. learning from drama, tv, other people, actions thats part of life and now i cant even question whats for better and whats for worse.
thats why although we should live a life without regrets, im stuck in a world full of them.

you need to let go.
no matter the price, no matter what the consequences are, letting go is the better option. if you don't you're just going to build up with all this hate inside you, cameron... wake up. (:
past few days, i haven't done much but i learnt a lot of things and i think ive calmed down now. the only one putting pressure on yourself to succeed is yourself, its all for yourself, although you may claim its to please your parents, and you study hard for your parents, you're the only one putting the stress on yourself. sure people always want the best for other people, but you have to accept that if you work as hard as you can and can only get so far, what 85 atar. thats just how life is, there are plenty of people worse off. sure i might not have much of a social life lately, but look im better off than other people. least i can talk to the opposite gender. i might not be that smart, but im smarter than most people and ill still make it into uni. although it might not be in a great course, my life wont end. ill still keep on going, have a life.. live a life.. maybe not a great life but still a life. i have to accept that and just let go. anything i have against other people for what theyve done against me, the only one getting angry about it is myself because im putting that anger on myself. sometimes it takes a moment to realise certain things and theres been enough tears in this world already. lets make some smiles cameron :D

being cancelled on. cancel counter this holidays: 1
its not just today, its all the time. last holidays was ruined because i got cancelled on over 7 times. thats half my holidays gone because i was looking forward to going out, having fun with friends than BOOM. fuck me over. i can't follow the rationalism behind cancelling on someone, at the very least move it to another day? its actually giving someone hope to do something than cutting it down just like that...
take for example today, if the person who cancelled on me today reads this, you cancel on me just a couple of hours before we go out, sorry to me, being sick and unable to come out just doesn't comprehend in my head. whether i have a stomach ache, a terrible headache, i still go out. take on friday for example, went out regardless, stayed up all night with friends and had a good time despite being in pain the whole night. its not like you're going to get any better at home, you're just going to rest? watch movies? say you've been bored all day? its not beneficial to anyone. whats worse is guilt trapping me into leaving the other person who im not great friends with to go library. :s ive just finished trials, i wasn't even going to go study much.. sure i don't mind if i was studying but with that person i don't feel at ease. :x its like im always being judged by every little thing i do, if you leave me alone with them ill like pass out. LOL. not literally but yeah.. maybe if i had to study too it would be different but ive actually studied every night for the whole holidays, theres not one day i didn't study. i was tense and i still am. my neck is always so stiff, my shoulders are gone and my brain is braindead. i understand that im not the same as others in that regard, but still... maybe im just not caring enough, not brave enough for that sort of crap. and whats worse now, is now i feel bad because that person just asked me on msn if i was going to study, and went by themselves. sure thats happened to me countless times but i can deal with it, other people though... aish. its not that i can't study with them, its that i don't think i'll be able to. its hard to explain. and one on one situations with me never turn out nicely. never leave me one on one with another person. hahh.... D: fuck im awkward.
but honestly, ive been cut down enough for one lifetime and i just want to be happy for at least a week. guess i didn't even deserve that.
back to my 85 atar ways.

I was reading a friend's tumblr, as I usually do. it's surprising how many people you don't know, or might not know so well who may be like secretly following your blog here, your formspring there, your facebook here. some people call that a stalker, i call that... a stalker. kidding! but its nice to know people actually read, or somewhat care about what you're doing day in day out. my mind has been rushing faster and faster lately... things just flying in and out can't get my thoughts straight because my memory was fried from trials but still, somehow everything seems okay. even though i know nothing is going right:

• doing bad in school
• how little friends i actually have
• stuck at home without a game to play

maybe its just me but i swear im never satisfied with anything. already seventeen. i was going to type something opinionated about something but now i cant be bothered... need somebody who i can actually talk to without a worry. without judging them. without judging myself. a perfect being, and someone who might actually talk back. sorry god. (: