redemption.

im seriously considering that im just not cut out for this sort of life. people don't understand how hard i actually studied for my trials, and its just come crushing down on me. im sick of the, you tried your hardest so it doesn't matter, thats only stuck as an ideology, when it comes down to it, its the most painful feeling ive ever experienced knowing that you put all this time and effort into something just to come last place regardless. it makes you think that you should just not try, that its not worth trying, that effort is meaningless. i swear lately its really pissing me off how people say, oh im so nervous for trials, blah blah, well i already had trials and i studied for it, while you're just sitting there complaining to the world how nervous you are and that you can't study. its seriously a joke, the worlds against me sometimes. one day im actually going to snap, in my head sometimes when i see people i seriously just imagine me just snapping and beating the shit out of them, like actually my imagination is usually crap but sometimes i can just imagine me like smacking them down to the ground and everything... i won't get too graphic. :x ive never done it but seriously... 진짜... fuck this.

theres nobody to talk to but myself, i have no real great friends but myself. sure i have a few good friends, and even my bestfriend but its not what i have pictured, my expectations have become too great from watching drama here, tv show there. its not the life i pictured therefore i can't feel satisfied with things so menial. i want to become better as a person, physically and mentally but its not happening. i want to live a fun life with no regrets, but its not happening. i want more than i can give. and thats something you never want to admit. and it seriously sucks to admit it but im actually fucked, my atar is going to be just over 90 if im lucky, ill be lucky to get into even unsw commerce, people say blah blah blah, ive been through that its not that hard, it works itself out you're nsb you'll do good. NO, i fucking wont. fuck, listen to me instead of fucking trying to comfort me for your own self-conceited satisfaction, don't ask me my mark and than go oh... im human too i have feelings. no, im not the same as everyone else, with some people i feel that elevated status where i feel superior to them, and for others i feel insuperior. thats just how shit works out you know? but sadly even those people i feel superior too, its bowled over when i hear their marks, everyones succeeding around me and it hurts.
i can't remember the last time that i was genuinely happy and sadly that happiness can't even last long enough to make me feel comforted. it really makes me want to become an alcoholic, because thats the only way i can take my mind off all the bullshit. its just some stereotypical excuse im using but it works.

you know whats pathetic, when a man breaks down and can't take it, people say its weak and its true. til he cries til his eyes become puffy yet nobody notices and he wants someone to realise that no, not everythings alright. i can put on this smile forever but sometimes its just not alright. will looking at pictures of beautiful korean girls who are actually 'out of my league' help me? no. just raise my expectations too far and beyond. sometimes... hmm.. (: said too much.