redemption.

being cancelled on. cancel counter this holidays: 1
its not just today, its all the time. last holidays was ruined because i got cancelled on over 7 times. thats half my holidays gone because i was looking forward to going out, having fun with friends than BOOM. fuck me over. i can't follow the rationalism behind cancelling on someone, at the very least move it to another day? its actually giving someone hope to do something than cutting it down just like that...
take for example today, if the person who cancelled on me today reads this, you cancel on me just a couple of hours before we go out, sorry to me, being sick and unable to come out just doesn't comprehend in my head. whether i have a stomach ache, a terrible headache, i still go out. take on friday for example, went out regardless, stayed up all night with friends and had a good time despite being in pain the whole night. its not like you're going to get any better at home, you're just going to rest? watch movies? say you've been bored all day? its not beneficial to anyone. whats worse is guilt trapping me into leaving the other person who im not great friends with to go library. :s ive just finished trials, i wasn't even going to go study much.. sure i don't mind if i was studying but with that person i don't feel at ease. :x its like im always being judged by every little thing i do, if you leave me alone with them ill like pass out. LOL. not literally but yeah.. maybe if i had to study too it would be different but ive actually studied every night for the whole holidays, theres not one day i didn't study. i was tense and i still am. my neck is always so stiff, my shoulders are gone and my brain is braindead. i understand that im not the same as others in that regard, but still... maybe im just not caring enough, not brave enough for that sort of crap. and whats worse now, is now i feel bad because that person just asked me on msn if i was going to study, and went by themselves. sure thats happened to me countless times but i can deal with it, other people though... aish. its not that i can't study with them, its that i don't think i'll be able to. its hard to explain. and one on one situations with me never turn out nicely. never leave me one on one with another person. hahh.... D: fuck im awkward.
but honestly, ive been cut down enough for one lifetime and i just want to be happy for at least a week. guess i didn't even deserve that.
back to my 85 atar ways.