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Archive for 2014
finished my exam and nothings changed.
i sleep. i eat. i drink coffee. i go gym.
now i need a job.
i will sleep. i will eat. i will drink coffee. i will go gym. i will work.
whats next.
nothing will change its always the same.
just trying to relax but im always tense and uncomfortable.. and alone now.
i rewatched 5 centimeters per second after hearing this song again:
i was just reading...
"5 centimeters per second, the speed at which cherry blossoms falls. its an allegory to life.
acceleration due to gravity is 9.8m/s squared. compared to that 5 cm/s is very, very slow.
like cherry blossoms, most of us in the beginning of our lives are all clumped together and close to our friends, family and loved ones. but as we grow, slowly but surely, we grow apart from most of them. aside from our family, it is extremely rare for us to be able to be with the same people we were close to in the beginning. just like how rare it is for two cherry blossoms to be close to one another when they fall to the ground."
this movie is really beautiful.. and life really is like a cherry blossom tree with us as the cherry blossoms. we flourish beautifully until we slowly fall and disappear far away from those you slowly spent your time with. after rewatching it, i feel different feelings. i've grown up a little but surely, the first time i watched it i was in high school and i didnt understand a lot about life but since then ive experienced a lot. pain. love. losing friends. it makes me feel this deep tight feeling around my heart and it hurts to breath. its like my hearts being restrained.
it makes me feel the meticulousness of my life. i never ever really felt like i was ever in the moment, im always looking away from whats in front of me and because of that i have lost a lot of opportunities and things in my life. i feel like im stuck in a dream, not in this world. this song just makes me slow down, and makes me want to crawl up into a ball and cry into my pillow... my heart really feels tight. i dont know how else to describe it. the song is so simple but it makes tears run down my face... not sad just.. tears...
i've calmed down. life isn't really a stand still no matter how much pain and agony you feel throughout your life. there are always new things, new emotions and new things to be found if you just continue to live. they might not be sudden and it might feel like every moment in your life you're just waiting for it to come because in reality time isn't as fast as you would like it to be sometimes and at other times, it's too fast. that's one of the most fascinating things about life. you're thrown into this world without a thing, just a body but you develop bonds with people, you develop your own personality and as you grow older you continue to change. i know i have.
when i was younger, even looking back less than a year ago, every moment i continue to live i feel like i am growing and becoming someone better. i used to be much more naive, nervous and anxious about everything. more wary... more stressed but although those same stresses exist i changed in an unknowing way. life as you live it isn't stagnant at all. there are moments when you freeze but it just keeps going.. really.. it just keeps going. maybe slowly but it will move on and i feel like slowly overcoming these fears within me, the problems that arise and overcoming then i'll be able to feel satisfied with myself. sometimes you're faced with the same problems in different scenarios but every mistake you make, every feeling you feel stays with you and you'll be able to move on. i know i can move on. time is a beautiful thing, it keeps you forever changing. everything i've experienced up to now... im full of memories and i am still young. looking back at everything that has happened in my life, i am grateful, confident and feel reassured that i can keep going. even though its hard, i want to reach the end with a smile on my face without regrets. there are a lot of good moments and a lot of hard moments in life but they are what really help you grow. its cliche, but its the truth. so im just trying to be at peace with who i am and the choices i have made in my life. there are times when i might rewind and hurt, but i know it will pass. people are stronger than they give themselves credit for, and with the fragility of life, there is the wonder in it.. so... everyone including myself, dont give up on life. it is beautiful no matter how you choose to live it and there are beautiful things to be found as long as you continue.
how am i meant to keep going feeling like this. im hurting so so so so bad and i can't even tell anyone. it hurts so much and i cant deal with it... im barely making it through with a straight face each day. i cant even stop. the second i stop doing something is when i break down. i have to force myself to be busy but theres always times when im alone. shower. before i sleep. just sitting in my room. i really keep hoping up that ill wake up like its one really really bad dream, i dont know how i became like this... i dont know which is reality and i feel like im living a lie. theres nothing positive in my life and im just one big negative. theres nothing good left. TELL ME HOW AM I MEANT TO KEEP GOING. HOW. HOW. HOW.... HOWWWWW rhiaeghiufeuhu fuck.
i am holding everything in. im not even a bottled up soft drink waiting to explode. im just swallowing it all into nothingness. i cant express myself and every good feeling that was left in my life has really vanished. i want to live in memories. i want to disappear into a real dream.. someone tell me how i am meant to keep going like this where theres nothing for me... how...
i wish i could rewind back to a time when words meant something to me. when actions weren't the only thing i could trust. my dreams are overriding and trying to mimic a past reality but we are in the present. everythings always blurring and in this path where im not sure what is reality and what is my dream. im hoping for the impossible and barely breathing anymore. im really vanishing slowly..
if theres one thing for certain, the heart and the mind don't move at the same pace. sometimes there are moments recently where i just suddenly lose myself and break down. when im driving. when im about to sleep. pretty much when im alone i can't be stable. im even crying again now. every little thing ticks me off and im finding it hard just to keep going... i cant even tell anyone... i cant show that im weaker than i look so i keep pushing forward pretending that im strong enough when i just wish that my life could rewind. my heart says one thing while my minds trying to push on and im just hurting still and it feels like it will never really go away.
when you start getting older especially at ages like 21 you stop and think a little about where you're going in life but in reality splitting my life down into a summary isn't difficult. my life isn't complicated, life is never really complicated to begin with, its just the accumulation of peoples expectations and when they expect more than they have thats when they have those feelings that life isn't satisfying. if i had to split my life into parts at the moment it would consist of:
- gaming/anime
- university
- gym/coffee/study
- relationships
gaming/anime
theres only one real game that ive been playing for the last few years which is league of legends, pretty sure almost every person plays this game and im just another one of those people who play with it. through this game i think ive made more friends than people ive met face to face though, thats the real sad thing about todays society, its more of an online world. ive been having these urges to go out and not just sit at home like i used to feel comfortable doing, i feel the urge to just do something other than sit infront of my computer,.. if somebody saw me they wouldn't say that i look like i play computer games or anything but in reality i just put on a lighter personality lately to try and cheer myself up to be honest. its harder to be happy these days since not many things are looking up for me. gaming is one thing that i can just forget about everything else around me for the 30-40 minutes that i'm playing a game.. it does make me annoyed sometimes and its always more fun playing with other people you know in real life, pity i dont get that luxury.
anime on the other hand is my escape to another world for longer. i can find a good anime and watch all the episodes in one go. anything and sometimes i really wish i could just fly into a world like that.. its more exciting imagining it like that but in reality, im just studying and going to find a boring job like everyone else.
anime on the other hand is my escape to another world for longer. i can find a good anime and watch all the episodes in one go. anything and sometimes i really wish i could just fly into a world like that.. its more exciting imagining it like that but in reality, im just studying and going to find a boring job like everyone else.
university
i said before, in todays society everyone needs to go to university or at least some tertiary education if you want to live above average standards and that just creates more demand and puts more stress and pressure on everyone. we're living by a grading system where your marks determine where you can move up in life and your connections determines whether you can get them. thats the type of world we live in and i hate it. my university marks aren't bad and they're not good either and i'd like to think i'm one of the smarter kids compared to most people and i think i am but i still make just as many mistakes as everyone else. i pick up things fast and i can adapt to situations easily but that doesnt make getting a job easier and im still stuck. my marks in uni have really gone up this last year and its only going up higher.. but life doesnt seem any easier. is that how it is?
gym/coffee/study
for the last two years ive had the same routine, i go to gym whenever i can and get a coffee from msm at chatswood afterwards. i study in the cafe occassionally and sometimes somewhere else if i dont feel like seeing people. its become habitual but with my wrist i cant do anything properly lately. i am unemployed and that aspect of my life is gone now. im not even a big person even though ive been going gym for almost 2 years of my life, most people couldn't tell the difference, mainly because of my diet. i need to change that as fast as possible but i dont think ill really change my diet unless i live away from home. my parents dont cook home meals 90% of the time and i dont think id have the energy to bother making anything else for myself unless im the one doing the shopping all the time. i want to move out, a large part of me does but i cant even afford to. its hard... i wanna make coffee again. i miss making it. heres one below:
relationships
ill start with friends. i used to have my best friends in high school but even they have disappeared out of my life and theres no one whos stuck by me anymore. i dont see anyone anymore and its only occassional. moving on ill go to university, i have a group of friends in university which i only see at university the few days i go for an hour or nothing but even then its just talking terms and no one will really talk anything past small talk with me. moving on to gym friends, i have made friends going to the gym and getting coffee for the past few years but no one talks past small talk with me either and im just younger to them maybe... where else am i getting friends?
no where i feel like the only thing i can fall back on is my girlfriend. before when i was dating my first girlfriend, i really secluded and felt satisfied with just being able to talk to her and nothing else really bothered me and somehow i never really felt dull and empty but it ended and im moving on. its really hard to forget memories that deeply embedded in you that felt like your whole life but ive been trying to force it these last few months and it really really really hurts sometimes and theres no one to lean on. i managed to find someone caring, my second and current girlfriend. although we cant communicate as well because english isnt her first language, i do feel loved but even right now shes away for a month and everyones always busy. she seems happy and other stresses on her life that arent the same as mine, i just feel like the lack of friendship in my life is really hurting me. i had good friends but they've all disappeared. the three best friends ive had over the past years disappeared like this. the first one got a new girlfriend and hasnt communicated with me or made an attempt to see me lately. the second one moved to melbourne and the last one got a new girlfriend and pretty much threw my friendship back in my face by keying my car and turning 360 around for her. this tells me how deep friendship really means to some people. i have friends a step below that but theyre always in and out and the best friend i had recently moved back to korea... i worked with him everytime i worked and even though his english wasnt the best, he was a really good friend... but now after all this time im still back at step zero alone. theres times where i think if i invited people to my birthday how many would really come, how many would sincerely come? am i even enjoyable to talk with? to get along with? whats the real me and i dont even know anything at the moment... the closest anyone got to knowing who i really am was my first girlfriend because she was almost the only person i talked to for a long time and that led me to show things that i wouldnt normally. i guess thats how relationships work.. but in the end she didnt accept me and no one really does. lets go back another step to family.
my family is a little broken. my mum and dad although they love me are hard to read and hard to understand sometimes and i feel like i owe and respect them a lot for putting up with me. my extended family aren't close to me at all and i feel like its obligation we talk to each other at family dinners etc. rather than enjoying others company. my brother is closest to me however recently hes been quite angry about everything and not sure what hes been up to. its really hard to tell where my life is heading overall and i think i need to just slow down even more and look.
no where i feel like the only thing i can fall back on is my girlfriend. before when i was dating my first girlfriend, i really secluded and felt satisfied with just being able to talk to her and nothing else really bothered me and somehow i never really felt dull and empty but it ended and im moving on. its really hard to forget memories that deeply embedded in you that felt like your whole life but ive been trying to force it these last few months and it really really really hurts sometimes and theres no one to lean on. i managed to find someone caring, my second and current girlfriend. although we cant communicate as well because english isnt her first language, i do feel loved but even right now shes away for a month and everyones always busy. she seems happy and other stresses on her life that arent the same as mine, i just feel like the lack of friendship in my life is really hurting me. i had good friends but they've all disappeared. the three best friends ive had over the past years disappeared like this. the first one got a new girlfriend and hasnt communicated with me or made an attempt to see me lately. the second one moved to melbourne and the last one got a new girlfriend and pretty much threw my friendship back in my face by keying my car and turning 360 around for her. this tells me how deep friendship really means to some people. i have friends a step below that but theyre always in and out and the best friend i had recently moved back to korea... i worked with him everytime i worked and even though his english wasnt the best, he was a really good friend... but now after all this time im still back at step zero alone. theres times where i think if i invited people to my birthday how many would really come, how many would sincerely come? am i even enjoyable to talk with? to get along with? whats the real me and i dont even know anything at the moment... the closest anyone got to knowing who i really am was my first girlfriend because she was almost the only person i talked to for a long time and that led me to show things that i wouldnt normally. i guess thats how relationships work.. but in the end she didnt accept me and no one really does. lets go back another step to family.
my family is a little broken. my mum and dad although they love me are hard to read and hard to understand sometimes and i feel like i owe and respect them a lot for putting up with me. my extended family aren't close to me at all and i feel like its obligation we talk to each other at family dinners etc. rather than enjoying others company. my brother is closest to me however recently hes been quite angry about everything and not sure what hes been up to. its really hard to tell where my life is heading overall and i think i need to just slow down even more and look.
in the end i think everything will get better eventually. theres not especially bad, its just i need to look up. i think it'll get better slowly :)
its
my 21st birthday this saturday. i feel really young and like i haven't done
anything significant in my life up until now and even though i'm only 21, at
the moment im unemployed, no internship and my marks are average at university.
everything just normal. i tried to splurge on myself today and i bought myself
an expensive shaver but even that only gave me a little heightened feeling. im
feeling pretty numb and dull at the moment and like i dont know where ill be
heading forward for the next few years. i think its partially worse because i
injured my wrist and i cant go to gym and im scared i wont be able to make
coffee or anything later in the future. things aren't really looking up for me
but they're not looking down either. i know i'm still young and theres no
constrictions or set path in life but theres always this view that you need to
take this path to get somewhere good in life. i'm not even sure to be honest
but thats just how things are. i need to cheerup a little and look at the
brighter things. the highlight of my days aren't significant and i feel like
everythings just going numb. i dont have any good friends at the moment and
most the people i know dont take the effort to talk to me anymore but ive
somehow just settled for that. the best friends i had were at my work or gym
but i cant even do either now and once you stop seeing people they disappear
out of your life. things are looking pretty bleak and im just trying to be okay
about everything. things will cheer up in a month hopefully. :)
ive got a new theme for my blog finally. i think it might make it a little harder to read sometimes etc but i think it looks pretty cool so i couldnt resist especially since lately ive been on an anime spree. been watching so many random animes lately :\
everything and everything comes to an end right... i quit my job because i got de quervains tenosynovitis in my right hand and i havent been able to gym lately either, real pain in the ass. but on the heads up, i found someone new in my life and shes been able to make me smile lately when things aren't always the best. the best thing about life is even when things look grim, you'll eventually get back on your feet and even if all your friends have disappeared, theres always new things everywhere you look as long as you try.
힘내 cameron. i have a year left on university and theres only bludge subjects left for me, might pick up korean for fun :)
because Mr. Vui tagged me.
1. What is your favourite pet?
tiger if it could be my pet
2. What is a song that describes you?
blue - broken
3. What is the last movie you watched?
the admiral: roaring currents
4. What is your favourite tv show/series/drama?
ive watched a lot of animes, maybe magi is one of my favourite recently. but it finished. theres a lot of good things to watch...
5. What is an interesting fact about you?
i'm half hong kong, half australian. most people guess something weird.
6. What is your favorite part of blogging?
that i just say whatever i feel like at the time.
7. What is something that keeps your spirits up?
thinking that in the future, there might be something better.
8. What would your superpower be?
vampire
1. What is your favourite pet?
tiger if it could be my pet
2. What is a song that describes you?
blue - broken
3. What is the last movie you watched?
the admiral: roaring currents
4. What is your favourite tv show/series/drama?
ive watched a lot of animes, maybe magi is one of my favourite recently. but it finished. theres a lot of good things to watch...
5. What is an interesting fact about you?
i'm half hong kong, half australian. most people guess something weird.
6. What is your favorite part of blogging?
that i just say whatever i feel like at the time.
7. What is something that keeps your spirits up?
thinking that in the future, there might be something better.
8. What would your superpower be?
vampire
locked on this song. it hits deep. the m/v could be better though.
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facebook is misleading.
friends. dictionary says it is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. i feel like its somebody that i would talk with and hang out but not exclusively with them unless a random situation called upon it.
i think the majority of people on facebook are acquaintances rather than friends. the majority of the people on my facebook already got cleared. ive deleted over 600 people. the ones left are people that i would nod or say hello to if i walked past them. but isn't it better to have close friends.
close friends: somebody that i feel i can talk comfortably with without worrying about what they think about me or what i think of them.
best friends: somebody who you can trust and know will always be there for you when things are down, even if you fight and always has your back.
i feel like ive realised a lot of things about friendship as i grow older. the majority of friends, even close friends disappear from your life and fade back to friends or even acquaintances unless youre able to hang out or see them regularly. the majority of people wont go to the effort to keep you in their life and at some point close friends are just going to be friends and now i know that the people i used to talk comfortably with have become people that i wave at when i walk past, maybe make a brief comment 'where you off to?'...
the thing is though when you stop everything the only thing youre left with is best friends. if youre lucky enough to be in a relationship you have your partner. if youre lucky enough to have close friends at work, you have them. family even... no.
right now, when i need help the most theres nobody. there is stress from exams. there is only cold wrapping around me right now. that little bit of light i had is dimming.
long time no blog.
my life has been a real rollercoaster of ups and downs throughout the past year and a half. but really life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. theres so many questions but theres never enough answers and if you keep seeking questions you're only damaging yourself until there comes the point where sometimes you don't need an answer. i've really changed in particular these past six months. everytime in my life i feel like i have a change i don't think that i'll be changing for any better because im at the point where i feel like im at my highest limit but everytime i think that something new comes through and makes me feel like ive changed again. but again, thats life and even though its a rollercoaster of ups and downs, i want to know that i'm able to fight and choose by myself where that rollercoaster is heading towards because in the end, if you can't make your own decisions and be confident in your own decisions, then you have nothing left to be confident in. one of my only rules in life is that when i make a serious decision, that i can't go back on it and that i'll never regret it and that has guided me and helped me be more direct in my life and direction is really important... more than you'd think. i can always aimlessly have thoughts, aimlessly go in a general direction, however when you're able to pinpoint that direction and know where you want to be thats when you'll start to really feel better about yourself. that pinpoint for me is in the distance, and i want to keep rising there.
i used to be naive, immature and ambitionless but this last year ive grown up when i thought i had already come to the point, ive changed for the better and am learning to become the best person because there is now a reason to. when you have a reason to do something, to fight for something, to change for someone, everything becomes easier and now i have to become the strongest pillar that will never crumble through good and bad times.
shaking and crying again. back to state one. all i need and want in my life is security and knowing that i can be happy being who i am with who i want to be with, but its not enough.
my biggest fear is that im not enough, but my worst fear is that knowing that im not enough to change my own future. to have a say in what i want in my life. knowing that no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try that its not enough to change the outcome of the future. knowing that i have zero say in what happens.
fear hurts, not knowing hurts, im hurting. when i think ive finally passed, something else pops up that just destroys me from the inside out. i try not to admit it but im really sensitive and i get hurt easily. there are points like this where i feel like my whole life i worked up to one point and when i finally reach the pinnacle i get thrown back ontop of a fucking spike. but im not quite there yet, im hovering over it hoping that i'll get caught before i get pierced but that feeling of getting pierced is looming in my head and im feeling the eptiome of hopelessness. my hope is dying. all my faith and love is unmovable.
