redemption.

shaking and crying again. back to state one. all i need and want in my life is security and knowing that i can be happy being who i am with who i want to be with, but its not enough.

my biggest fear is that im not enough, but my worst fear is that knowing that im not enough to change my own future. to have a say in what i want in my life. knowing that no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try that its not enough to change the outcome of the future. knowing that i have zero say in what happens.

fear hurts, not knowing hurts, im hurting. when i think ive finally passed, something else pops up that just destroys me from the inside out. i try not to admit it but im really sensitive and i get hurt easily. there are points like this where i feel like my whole life i worked up to one point and when i finally reach the pinnacle i get thrown back ontop of a fucking spike. but im not quite there yet, im hovering over it hoping that i'll get caught before i get pierced but that feeling of getting pierced is looming in my head and im feeling the eptiome of hopelessness. my hope is dying. all my faith and love is unmovable.