redemption.

"many times, you may feel the heart's wound is healed when it's not. even if you think you're over it or even if you think you're better. so.. you have to let loose all your emotions at times. all the thoughts in your heart... that you've let pile up."



happy new years eve everyone. (: its the time for reflecting on yourself and resolving your goals and dream for the year ahead.

can anyone tell me they have truly given there all into one thing until the very end. put in the most effort that you could and never thought negative about that thing. thats how i want to think but its not happening, even with a decent amount of effort i can't get anywhere. you know whats sad, when i went away on exam study for 2 weeks, i dont even think anyone realised i didnt log on msn. the only break i had in those 2 weeks were playing basketball, its a real stress reliever. with no games on this holidays stress which i shouldnt even have is building up ahhhhhhhhhh, nbas on in 45 min maybe that will brighten up my day its those little things that make a day into a good one. smile (:

after whats been going on in these few short weeks of the holidays, i've really thought to myself about everything, and i don't know how to cope with it anymore, i've mainly been trying to get over anything which is negative. but maybe im just oblivious to everyone around me, who actually cares about ... im lost for words again. nothing left to say. :\

lebron james is inspirational (: i love nba so much. all those players, to get to that stage, loving the game, and playing it with all they have, its just awesome to watch. i respect them, they got where i will never get, and still pushing on every game, 82 games per season. (: i wish i could live in america so i could go watch it. but i probably couldn't afford tickets anyway. and i have other stuff going on.







i could go on for this for hours but ill leave it at that. (:

ok. i GIVE UP. no more depressing posts from now on peoples. (: no point getting sad over something, even if it hurts your feelings who gives a shit! MOVE ON. OPTIMISTIC THINKING!!!!!! . it works. sometimes, i just happened to be in front of the tv this morning and there was a travel thingy on south korea, and all these buddhist monks and how they give up desire and wake up at 4 in the morning to pray. doesn't that sound like such a good life, relaxing, not like what i thought i wanted to be, it changes. maybe ill convert to buddhism. meditate and clear my mind of all desireee. SOUNDS NICE. :] like this fake buddhist monk all white, and awesome looking ahahaha.



ok my original plan for life was in chronological order:
-get through school with good grades, and make lots of friends .
- go to a good uni with those friends and get my masters in whatever degree which was sort of fun, not too many hours so i could have decent leisure time with my future family, and GOOD PAY.
- get married, have 2 children and live happily until i retire at the age of 60-65. and than live happily for the rest of my life, until my kids have grandchildren and than die peacefully surrounded by people who care about me.

my dream plan for life in chronological order:
- go through school, in first grade basketball by at least year 10, U18 div 1 for norths and play nationals, and be able to dunk by year 10.
- go to a good uni in america which could get me into a good NCAA team like michigan or ucla, than move on to NBA~ join a team with my favourite players and play til my hearts content of what i love, with the people i care about, and enjoy life. retire when im 35-40. perhaps get a job as nba coach until im 60-70, than live happily with the same family as above.

my future plan for life !:
- get through school with marks which won't make my parents sad, and will get me into a decent uni with/without 'friends'.
- go to uni and get into any profession which makes me happy, despite the pay as long as i can live a happy and relaxed life which is too troublesome andd.. and.. with a beautiful family as above. (:
- take up somethings like martial arts, buddhism etc. travel as often as possible, and maybe move to japan/korea if i ever learn how to speak japanese. and i love korea and japan. -deep sigh which isn't very manly. :L

OH. i wonder what they'll do with computers, are they just going to keep on up'ing all the specs on everything, 1gb ram, 2gb ram, 4gb ram .... 1tb ram. etc. or is there going to be like some new crazy thing better than a computer! i can't wait, but i dont want to grow up :L
its good being young, not too many troubles, you don't have problems with health as much, you don't have to support yourself, and you have lots of freedom compared with a day to day job unless your like a born millionaire and don't have to work, but than even if you were you won't have friends to do things with unless they're all millionaires too! see my logic. so it's best being a kid because you all go to school, and all your free time lines up!

(: never think you're too old for anything, too young for anything, too dumb for anything ,too smart for anything, too anything for anything, just do what you want, when you want, whatever makes you happy and live a relaxed lifeeeee. whee. (: thats so cliche' with the little ' on top of the e. ;D

christmas is a time for being happy yeah, but how the fuck can you be happy when you feel like this. its a screwed up feeling inside you, you don't know whats right, you don't know whats wrong, your just moving on day after day pushing on for what? i dont fucking know anymore. shit.. so much swearing .

i wish i could just get away from here, maybe fly away and make a home for myself with no one around me and maybe just maybe i could be happy, or maybe ill move to japan or korea where no one understands me and at least they would respect me for who i am, if they wouldn't talk to me im fine with that, but just say it don't fucking spit on me like those chinese scum in shanghai fucking spitting on me for no apparent reason, staring at me, japanese even though they can be crazy they have imagination, and civilization they aren't held back and korean people even though they have some messed up people they are generally happy. i want to go live in Japan with korean people. i sometimes wonder how my life would be if i didn't go to nsb, everything i try hard for it doesn't pay off. everytime, i dont know whats with it and im starting to lose hope in putting effort into anything i try to change myself for the better? ive been regularly working out, playing basketball, trying to put a bit of social life in my life but that doesnt work, makes me feel like a some lonely neglected ... yeah :/ i missed all those times when people go out, i barely go out of my house anymore especially with 'friends'. mm.

when people talk to one another on msn, are they just mindlessly talking to pass time or are they talking because they actually care about what the other person is saying, or to make it seem like they are doing something constructive for themselves when in actuality they are just doing it to escape from other things. changes from person to person i think, but i know why i talk to people on msn, and i can tell by how the people who talk back to me feel about me, what they want out of the 'convo'. i understand, but i still talk to them, if it makes them even slightly happy i want to do it for them. ill put my all for someone else, even if they wouldnt for me because thats who i am. i dont care if you don't respect me for it, i don't care if you don't even like me but dont fucking patronize me, mess with me and toss me away like a tool, thats just pathetic.

no picture for this, i couldn't find one which suited it.

what is life, what is it to you? im not sure.. do you know the answer :/ you think about it every now and then, not too often but at some point in your life you'll stop and think, what is the purpose of my existence, why do i live? is it to earn some petty cash in some crappy occupation or is it to bludge off other peoples money and sit at your computer writing up blogs. tsch. whatever it is its up to you to choose what you want to be, and the type of person you want to be.
do you really want to sit at a computer all day playing games, or going to the beach everyday.
;o i just realised that everytime i think of something i think of the negative side of it, whats it called? pessimistic? . and in the first place why does anyone think being pessimistic is a bad thing, what do you want to be optimistic about everything. "hey look, everybody that i ever cared about in my life hates me! yay? isnt it such a great day look at the weather, 'god' must be enjoying this." what is god anyway, sure church is fun, maybe thats the reason for god, so people can enjoy having something to work for, maybe thats why they exist, priests, monks, mm. monks are awesome (:
anyway, what was i rambling on about ? -thinks for 5 minutes. (and yes i just type what ever comes into my head and i don't care about spelling mistakes, if your even reading this, you better be pretty bored. or enjoy reading my pointless blog. (: )
christmas is approaching! doesnt feel like it to me though. i wish it would snow, i love snow (: alright im just going to sleep now. (: good nightt.. i can't think of anything else today, too sleepy!!! god i hate people which ignore what you say when you say it to them 10 times. and than ask you exactly the same thing.. ALRIGHT THATS ALL. good night ~ ^^

i don't know what i've been doing these holidays, i just wake up whenever get whatever has to be done done and than my mind just wanders off but sometimes theres these times when i just wonder.. what the hell am i doing? am i wasting time? just sitting here. mm. :/

i don't know why i try hard for anything, its not like anyones ever going to recognize anything i do. i tried hard in basketball, look where it got me, kicked out of my basketball team, i'm not going anywhere with it, there goes that idea.
i like piano yeah, even though im not very good at it, but im forced to play these songs i don't even like? you expect me to try for those too. even when i do i can never get an A, im hopeless.
school? don't even try there. social life? tsch. im not good at anything, just screwed over. going for my L's next week better not screw that up too.
theres times when you are meant to put in your hardest, and not give up, but sometimes you just have to give up no matter how hard you try its not going to help given the time you have? sometimes i wish life was a bit different , the best years of your life are meant to be your youth, but ive already wasted that, not going to do anything these holidays i know it and than yr 11, 12, uni, work, retire, die. thats the plan.. pretty sad isnt it. (:

mendokusai.

i was just sitting around the house doing nothing as usual, but its sort of relaxing you know just sitting around with no one around not having to worry about anything with that nice relaxing breeze coming in through the window which leaves a tingly warm feeling . mm.
everythings always best the first time which makes me happy. the first time . (: im not -sighing. DONT THINK I WAS :L

i cleaned up my room and everything, put out the washing i love being at home by myself, except sometimes it gets tiring not talking to anyone maybe im adjusting out of my antisocial norm :S i use to be fine sitting at home by myself for 8 weeks but noooo, now i feel lonellyyy. D:
no one even talks to me on msn, and when they do i reply too late because im not paying attention because my stupid msn doesnt flash and i don't bother to check it and after replying 10-20 minutes late they don't reply to me or they've gone somewhere elseee aahhhh ><" its nice how people can put their all into something, not giving up and than when it gets tough their friends help them, support them. do any of you guys have a friend/friends you could trust with anything, i dont. i thought i did once upon a time but not anymore.

my lovely relaxing fucked up life. :)

. smile.

dango dango dango dango dango daikazoku. :)

love the holidays (:

fuck. fuck. FUCK. AHHHHHH. ):
i hate this :/ nothing ever goes right , crap report, crap everything. i had peer support today and i probably did crap in that too. WHYS EVERYTHING GOING SO WRONG :/ tell me!
i could probably go on for hours about how shit my life is but that would make you all hate me even moree so i wont ill talk about something you can empathise with.

ok you know when someones doing something and you really want to know what their doing and you try to look and they cover it up? THATS ANNOYING ): DONT DO IT. and than you pretend not to care and walk away and than secretly try to look again and that fails :/ JUST TELL ME WHAT YOUR DOING GOD DAMITRNUTWEIGEIUFBGEUI . -sadface.

do you get happy when someone says btw or wait or some other suspenseful word :/? or your name on msn. does it make you happy (: to see someone acknowledging your presence on msn by using your name when talking to you? don't deny it you know it makes you happy. :L



YOU PERVERT. stop getting aroused over watching anime characters kiss. anywaysss have a good holidays because i know i wont.

BAM BAM. :) you like that you transformers.
i beat transformers tonight at basketball 27-26. :D
ohhh and 20.1 seconds on the clock, the balls going up the court one pass, two pass, three pass.
i catch it baseline go for the baseline drive BAM contact with the big guy. ARGHHH grabs again contact again TWO SHOTS .
3.5 seconds on the clock.
tick tock tick tock
one free throw -swish YAYYYYYYY
two free throw -swish YEYJISTWOIHETIWUOTHWIOH YESSSS -jumps into jeff.

another one of the happiest 15 seconds of my life.
weekends going to be great, don't waste it staying inside doing nothing and than
whinging about how you did nothing all weekend and you were actually extremely bored
like me (: thats a bad habit to get into. ANYWAYS, my formal photos are terrible i think
i smiled a bit too much, just a bit. -cries. i want to drink another 18 cups of coke. :)
HAPPY TIMES.

danana transformers in disguise -sings off key. :)
unsw has this building at the end of the top of the main walkway which looks like a transformer ;o its gonna come eat all the unsw people for studying tsch. thats why you shouldnt try too hard study :L



and omg. :)isnt this piano piece so cute. here: tori no uta i know guys shouldnt be saying that but it is. I LOVE IT. pity im too noob to play it but i still keep on trying. maybe its just better after you've watched air but still its a good song, but at the end this guy plays it too loud and speeds up otherwise its pretty good, look it up some time if you have time. or maybe ill put it in my music player if i can ever find out how to put it on front of my blog instead of hiding behind the picture.

anyway, I GOT FORMAL TOMORROW, have fun guys. :)

wahhh. so cute isnt it. i love bakadeshi's amv. Here: Zero No Ai
i'll just go watch this another 10 times ;D theres other ones too which
are great but i don't think their appropriate to post.

anyway, today sat in the most boring lectures for the whole day. and tomorrow
we have to go to UNSW and than thursday to macquarie... but formal is wednesday
wish me luck that no one realises who i am. i was wondering what would happen
if i went and put like a mask on which made my face look like its been all cut up or
bleeding and than everyone was like WTF your so ugly and dont talk to me and than
i pull it off at the end. ;o i have some weird fantasies ANYWAY, WATCH IT. :)

What happened:
P1: Nice feet.
P2: You too.
-hold hands.
P1: Want to eat that fish? -looks down.
P2: -pokes the fish. its dead look at it . x_X
P1: o-o
P2: o-o

What would happen to me :
P1: Heyooo.
P2: ...
P1: What you doing tonight?
P2: ...
P1: -reaches hand over.
P2: -slaps away