redemption.

christmas is a time for being happy yeah, but how the fuck can you be happy when you feel like this. its a screwed up feeling inside you, you don't know whats right, you don't know whats wrong, your just moving on day after day pushing on for what? i dont fucking know anymore. shit.. so much swearing .

i wish i could just get away from here, maybe fly away and make a home for myself with no one around me and maybe just maybe i could be happy, or maybe ill move to japan or korea where no one understands me and at least they would respect me for who i am, if they wouldn't talk to me im fine with that, but just say it don't fucking spit on me like those chinese scum in shanghai fucking spitting on me for no apparent reason, staring at me, japanese even though they can be crazy they have imagination, and civilization they aren't held back and korean people even though they have some messed up people they are generally happy. i want to go live in Japan with korean people. i sometimes wonder how my life would be if i didn't go to nsb, everything i try hard for it doesn't pay off. everytime, i dont know whats with it and im starting to lose hope in putting effort into anything i try to change myself for the better? ive been regularly working out, playing basketball, trying to put a bit of social life in my life but that doesnt work, makes me feel like a some lonely neglected ... yeah :/ i missed all those times when people go out, i barely go out of my house anymore especially with 'friends'. mm.

when people talk to one another on msn, are they just mindlessly talking to pass time or are they talking because they actually care about what the other person is saying, or to make it seem like they are doing something constructive for themselves when in actuality they are just doing it to escape from other things. changes from person to person i think, but i know why i talk to people on msn, and i can tell by how the people who talk back to me feel about me, what they want out of the 'convo'. i understand, but i still talk to them, if it makes them even slightly happy i want to do it for them. ill put my all for someone else, even if they wouldnt for me because thats who i am. i dont care if you don't respect me for it, i don't care if you don't even like me but dont fucking patronize me, mess with me and toss me away like a tool, thats just pathetic.

no picture for this, i couldn't find one which suited it.