redemption.

im in the biggest slump at the moment, its like falling into the ditch in batman.. but i dont even have the motivation to pull myself out. one of the worst feelings is having something and then losing it. everyone knows that. like in naruto, sasuke had parents but lost them which is more painful then never having parents to begin with. i just have to get my head around life or at least around something seemingly a little real. im just lost by myself in the middle of fucking nowhere and when i look back it makes me think how i got to this point in the first place. by doing nothing. im always doing nothing and everything just looks depressing from this point of view now im trying hard to smile.

theres a lot of things in this world which are hard to distinguish from fantasy and reality. people always perceive things that aren't there, hope for things which aren't real and even when you try to trap yourself in that fantasy happy world you fucking face the real harsh shitness of reality. i keep trying to reassure myself in some way that there is some reason there that im doing this, or doing that but in the end there isn't really a reason behind things. people say theres a motive behind everything but honestly i dont even think and i just go with whatever is happening nowdays. its like my own selfconsciousness has just given up and i dont even know left from right anymore. theres nowhere to look anymore but down at my own two feet and see where theyre headed, maybe one day they will be four feet walking.

looking around, looking forward, looking back still. sometimes i think i get too emotional over things, not even proper things. seeing couples actually hurts... seeing pretty people ... etc etc. i dont get why either. sometimes it makes my heart race and all but then at the end of the day im just tired of everything.

every perspective i look at things there is no positive outcome so its just hard to keep a positive attitude in life even though i try my best. keep a smile on my face, hoping people dont notice its fake sometimes. i mean, there are happy moments but everything is just too temporary. vanishes in a moment for me.
for one, the most depressing thought i had today on the train ride home alone was that there really isn't anyone for me. i actually passed through high school without much social interaction, i kept my mind on study, sport and videogames. and now im passing through uni with my mind on nothing. i do study but it doesn't consume me, i play sport but its not as passionate and i play videogames to consume the rest of the time. i work to earn money and eat. everything just seems so pointless and when you're an insomniac like me and alone at 4-5am in the morning, it only makes everything seem that much more pointless.

i really need to break out of this. everything i want is unrealistic. everything i can get doesn't seem enough. everything i have is unappreciated. im just at a stand still with reality. i look left, right, up, down and theres nothing, i look back and its depressing, i look forward and realistically its more depressing. i cant even do anything about myself anymore and i dont know why im so lost up in nothing... i guess as time goes, friends disappear.

saw the prettiest, cutest.... everything. girl i have ever seen in my life.
nothing to say.

no girl like that, no car like that, no house like that, no job like that, no future for me. ^_^