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Archive for April 2012
its hard thinking that theres someone worth waiting for. you muster every ounce of energy within you to tell yourself that maybe theres somebody there for you. one in a million. no. not even one and now you're left without an ounce of energy to even stand up to the point where its hard to breath, head getting dizzy and find it hard to even force a smile.
its too hard for me to face forward anymore.
these two songs bring back too many memories. aches my heart a little.. if only tears could bring you back to me...
honestly, lately everything has just been hard on me. i don't think i'm taking things well. nothing big is happening but that in itself might be a problem.. i even went to uni today because i just wanted to see friends and in the end, pretty much no one turned up and after, everyones off to chill with friends but me. i don't see what i'm doing wrong sometimes. maybe im just not doing enough, am i not talking to people enough? whenever people talk to me, i always talk its just.. maybe im not interesting who knows.
i guess people just got sick of me and now i've run out of friends now i'm alone in uni. hehh. got nothing to talk about.
and seriously, today i realised even further how unattractive white people are compared to asians. but if you're fat, you just lose in general (:
i swear people always tell me the best in life is yet to come. it will happen someday. you'll be happy someday. this will happen later. later its always fucking later. i dont understand why nothing good ever happens to me. its just too strenuous and right now, nobody understands not even myself. its like im walking forward, i can see im walking forward but im not going anywhere. living life with an end point but walking down a straight road, no downhills, no uphills, no bends. people just want too much, they expect too much, everyone does and its inevitable but when you've given up after trying so many times... can't help but dream.
ps. that photo is utterly stunning.
theres not enough to smile about. no matter how i look at it, im always taken for granted to the point where im looking in the mirror and not even knowing myself. eighteen years of nothing. i know ive been disregarded. im not somebody that people look to, only when im right in their face and theres no other way to look. ive tried every approach but when it comes down to it, im only living for myself. sometimes you just need the reassurance that you matter. seeking that in different ways, i feel like life has become a game where im constantly trying to prove myself to no one but myself. im the player and the judge and inevitably the game over.
i think i hold myself accountable for too many things. i keep my responsibility too high, i always look out for others and never take care of myself. everyone i know i would be willing to give more to them then i would ever receive, and i have, time after time. these sort of things are meant to be built on trust. i just find myself dissatisfied with everything lately, myself included.
for once i think i miss being able to talk about something with a little more meaning in my life to people, to someone. reminds me of the time i was on the phone for 7-8 hours which is something because if anyone knew me i don't really like to talk on the phone much, most of the time i can't even be bothered to talk.. sad memories.
