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We get old real quick, went from a teenager when I was started blogging here to an adult. The slice of life animes I used to watch have turned into life. Between the ongoing pandemic and life, time truly flies by and things that felt like yesterday were 3, 5, 7+ years ago.
Memory works strangely. In general, I have a poor long term memory but there are some memorable things that don't seem that memorable in general, but are there. Whether they are memories that maybe are there because it was at a hard time in my life, or joyful too, I am just grateful to be able to have these memories with the people I care about.
It's been over four years since I lost my best friend and the pain won't ever go away, that feeling that I should have, could have done more while there was still time which is why I try to treasure every good moment I have, whether it is as small as playing a video game with a friend, having a chat with my family or wife, thinking about the future... the ability to think about the future.
The larger things that used to give me happiness have changed completely, there are different senses of responsibility and living and people's behaviour towards myself distanced yet it doesn't affect me like it used to. Grateful for that and everything I have.
I am slowly changing but want to be able to become a better natured person, not just to those near me but in general. I'll get there slowly I hope.
As I get older and time passes, it is clearer and clearer how little and distant the friends I have are. The friendships seem material and the friends who actually know and understood me are far and gone. I am not somebody to go out and seek to rekindle friendships... the things that once gave me simple joy and tranquility when I spent time alone seem to be gone.
On the bright side, there are different joys and happiness too. The joys of growing together with my life partner, getting small joys out of seeing things grow or evolve...but that motivation to drive myself to grow individually is diminishing.
This pandemic has given more time to reflect on who I am as a person, who I want to be and where I want to go in my life but at the same time, helped realise how much I could have been, could have gone and could go but choose not to. It's a wall and I'm sitting on the side taking a sideline view instead of getting up and going for more. Maybe this is what it is to be content with what I have. Greed is never good.
two years have already passed since the happiest and saddest moment of my life to date but its the sad moment that persists even into my dreams or at the moments when i expect it least.
its strange how such a small moment can throw you back into that moment of loss. i dont know if its a by product of how my adult life has progressed but that sense of friendship, happiness and joy from having a best friend who has been with you through the good and bad is gone. it can't be replaced, only treasured for the time it was there.
my memory is hardwired to forget things that hurt me but the time we spent becomes clearer as time passes while everything else becomes blurrier. even if everyone else forgets you as a friend, you will always be in my heart as my best friend and i can never forget the pain that tore through me realising i would never be able to see you again while we stand on this earth. i wish i couldve been there for you as a better friend through the years.
life is precious and even if there are constraints holding you down, health, finance, love, don't forget that it's life and you only get it once. there are a million things material things i could want in this world but its the immaterial things that truly make it worth living.
many things are taken for granted and lived as part of a routine. people just live without thinking about it and that itself is both beautiful and sad because when those things that you believe will always be there are taken from you, it leaves an empty abyss.
every day is still hard for me and its the moments of silence when it hits me that you are no longer here with me anymore. you were like gravity to me, you were always there to pull me back and even when i didn't think of you, you were always there. the void you left can't be filled by friendship anymore for me... i miss you.
there are moments in your life where you just stop and think 'is this a dream?' these moments are either the most beautiful moments or the hardest moments of your life. what could one day be the happiest day of your life can be met by the saddest and most painful heartbreaking times.
if we only live such short lives, take every moment and cherish it. loved ones. don't waste the time on the people who play you, manipulate you, try to put you down and only look forward. while you take those steps forward, make sure you're not the only one there.
if we only live such short lives, take every moment and cherish it. loved ones. don't waste the time on the people who play you, manipulate you, try to put you down and only look forward. while you take those steps forward, make sure you're not the only one there.
best friend. marriage. adulthood. life is a journey.
i have been learning korean thinking that something might change, friends might appear or a wider window may appear but the days where people talked to me are long gone. the idea of all these childhood friends and high school friends and all those long talks with people, its just a distant memory. when i used to go out and drink with friends, even club, its just a distant memory. i am able to smile and laugh these days openly without some heavy weight on my shoulders but something else is still there. who knows... everything in my mind is fuzzy and stagnant.
How many days have passed like this?
The city, the crowd is fading, moving on.
I sometimes have wondered-where you've gone?
Story carries on; lonely lost inside.
I had this dream so many times.
The moments we've spent have passed and gone away.
Could there be an end to this-
What I'm feeling deep inside?
You know there's no looking back.
Glassy sky, above
As long as I'm alive,
You will be part of me.
Glassy sky, the cold
The broken pieces of me.
The mystery of it I recall.
Some believe the truth will change the way we fall.
I didn't want to hurt you, hope you know.
Empty promises; shattered dreams, of love.
Sometimes I wonder what's beyond.
I've tried many times to make it up to you.
Can somebody tell me what to?
Thought we're meant to be-
There's no going back.
Time, has already come.
Sun is gone, and no more shadows.
Can't give up-I know.
And this life, goes on-i'll be strong,
I'll be strong, 'till I see the end.
Glassy sky, above.
As long as I survive-
You will be part of me.
Glassy sky, the cold
The broken pieces of me.
the moments that were the past disappeared and faded into my memories. the precious times we spent together, photos and the memories... vanished away. and this life goes on, i'll be strong til i see the end. but still, how many days have passed like this? everything around me fading and the world's story still carries on... the days pass by, the clouds fly by and time goes on.
the emptiness that was void in my heart, the fragility of my broken heart was like a glassy sky, flowing, broken and blocked but its finally opened up to a bright open sky. endless.
right now im just pointlessly walking around the streets... theres no real place where i belong in this society... its really hard lately and ive been holding it in but every minute or every day i feel like im drifting away inbetween the valley of the separate worlds im existing within. on one end, there is my work life that has slowly started to degrade and im feeling more and more alone. its not just the language barrier thats creating this ostracised emotion but more a lament form of loneliness... they might feel like they dont exclude me but im an outsider. i dont even work that much and the moments i do work i just feel empty and no excitement... you take into account my uni life that has eaten up the majority of my week pointlessly travelling from A to B to learn about nonrelevant concepts... you have my final graduation year... easy? no. i feel like even if im constantly studying i wont succeed. last week i had a group assessment center for some job i didnt even want with a low calibre of candidates and i was cut midway through the process. am i just inadequate? i dont know what constitutes my own adequacy but my own notion about myself is that i am a bad person. i have no areas i excel at academically, no sports or music that i excel at, im not particularly ugly or fat but not lean or buff. i have nothing stand out about me and that hurts to see about myself... the most lacking of my life is my social life. it might appear to others around me that i always seem to have friends near me but the reality is there is no one
not even one person who i can call a good friend anymore... nobody who will be there when i need help and no one who will notice me when im like this now because really nobody even takes time to talk or communicate or.... i dont think im a bad conversational partner in person or online. it just feels like every exciting aspect of my life has degraded around me and as i elevate into this new era in my life im still empty. half the world im in now is korean, 한국어.. but i dont know a single thing. i cant read write or understand and i am constantly left out and cant communicate because of it. i dont get along with anyone and im really hurting at this reality im in right now.
when i was younger my problems were trivial because these factors existed in my life but now im really drained. i really physically struggle to breathe and it wouldnt surprise me if i had lung cancer... thats how lucky i am in this life. any brief happiness i had in the past slowly vanishes and im scared the only thing keeping me together these days will vanish someday. leaving me to rot and die...
i never got so emotional over somebody i didn't even know as i did for paul walker. just listening to this video below hit me right to the heart even though it's bloody wiz khalifa ... i feel like i lost a part of myself and my whole childhood. when i was alone.. on all those plane trips.. on all those train trips... i always seemed to rewatch fast and furious. they were just that good and i just got lost in the moment and thought i was in a different world. normally i feel like that when im watching some really good anime but for a movie, especially something in that genre it just... it felt like my life was a little more exciting than the dullness it has dimmed to be.
theres so many beautiful places in this world. i want to see mountains. i want to see oceans. i want to see beautiful rivers, waterfalls and the rows of skyscrapers and bridges humanity has made... theres so much mess in this world. people are its beauty but also its ugliness. there is an ugliness in humans that aren't apparent in other lifeforms... is it because we are more advanced? we are more complicated and that complexity forms some of the real demons in this world..... how can something so complicated like life be so fragile.. it just hurts knowing that the bonds and friends and people he influenced positively won't ever be able to see his smiling face ever again. he was taken too early.... is it fair? what is fair anymore.. i can't form those same bonds and friends and i won't ever be able to even influence the people around me. i am not even a good person but when someone so good is gone... im just hurt.
i dont value myself very highly. i feel like the bonds and friendships that were supposed to amount to the highlight of my life, anything of value that i learnt is worth nothing. there is nothing about me that shines. i dont have close friends anymore. i dont have anything really... is there anyone really standing there by my side. i just feel unfulfilled and empty and it hurts... im more fragile yet im still here.
i'm pretty messed up... as deranged as i seem at times and non-sensical especially on this blog, i know how to control myself. sometimes i might seem to lose my edge a little but i am more sensitive than i seem if you get to know me. theres extremely little things that will touch me really hard, somebody might not think it's significant but the one bad and good thing about me is that i remember things, especially bad things i seem to remember for a long long time and i dont forget. some people say you don't hold grudges but i hold every negative sentiment and feeling within me and i never let it go. i remember almost every single bad thing people have done to me and although i may act kind and good on the outside, i'm not a good person really. people are lucky laws bind this world together.
at the moment there is just so many things going on with university coming to an end. i really want something to bump myself out of this strangled reality but i'm falling further into its flow. im half normal, half messed up but thats who i am...
