redemption.

right now im just pointlessly walking around the streets... theres no real place where i belong in this society... its really hard lately and ive been holding it in but every minute or every day i feel like im drifting away inbetween the valley of the separate worlds im existing within. on one end, there is my work life that has slowly started to degrade and im feeling more and more alone. its not just the language barrier thats creating this ostracised emotion but more a lament form of loneliness... they might feel like they dont exclude me but im an outsider. i dont even work that much and the moments i do work i just feel empty and no excitement... you take into account my uni life that has eaten up the majority of my week pointlessly travelling from A to B to learn about nonrelevant concepts... you have my final graduation year... easy? no. i feel like even if im constantly studying i wont succeed. last week i had a group assessment center for some job i didnt even want with a low calibre of candidates and i was cut midway through the process. am i just inadequate? i dont know what constitutes my own adequacy but my own notion about myself is that i am a bad person. i have no areas i excel at academically, no sports or music that i excel at, im not particularly ugly or fat but not lean or buff. i have nothing stand out about me and that hurts to see about myself... the most lacking of my life is my social life. it might appear to others around me that i always seem to have friends near me but the reality is there is no one
 not even one person who i can call a good friend anymore... nobody who will be there when i need help and no one who will notice me when im like this now because really nobody even takes time to talk or communicate or.... i dont think im a bad conversational partner in person or online. it just feels like every exciting aspect of my life has degraded around me and as i elevate into this new era in my life im still empty. half the world im in now is korean, 한국어.. but i dont know a single thing. i cant read write or understand and i am constantly left out and cant communicate because of it. i dont get along with anyone and im really hurting at this reality im in right now.

when i was younger my problems were trivial because these factors existed in my life but now im really drained. i really physically struggle to breathe and it wouldnt surprise me if i had lung cancer... thats how lucky i am in this life. any brief happiness i had in the past slowly vanishes and im scared the only thing keeping me together these days will vanish someday. leaving me to rot and die...