redemption.

i never got so emotional over somebody i didn't even know as i did for paul walker. just listening to this video below hit me right to the heart even though it's bloody wiz khalifa ... i feel like i lost a part of myself and my whole childhood. when i was alone.. on all those plane trips.. on all those train trips... i always seemed to rewatch fast and furious. they were just that good and i just got lost in the moment and thought i was in a different world. normally i feel like that when im watching some really good anime but for a movie, especially something in that genre it just... it felt like my life was a little more exciting than the dullness it has dimmed to be.

theres so many beautiful places in this world. i want to see mountains. i want to see oceans. i want to see beautiful rivers, waterfalls and the rows of skyscrapers and bridges humanity has made... theres so much mess in this world. people are its beauty but also its ugliness. there is an ugliness in humans that aren't apparent in other lifeforms... is it because we are more advanced? we are more complicated and that complexity forms some of the real demons in this world..... how can something so complicated like life be so fragile.. it just hurts knowing that the bonds and friends and people he influenced positively won't ever be able to see his smiling face ever again. he was taken too early.... is it fair? what is fair anymore.. i can't form those same bonds and friends and i won't ever be able to even influence the people around me. i am not even a good person but when someone so good is gone... im just hurt.

i dont value myself very highly. i feel like the bonds and friendships that were supposed to amount to the highlight of my life, anything of value that i learnt is worth nothing. there is nothing about me that shines. i dont have close friends anymore. i dont have anything really... is there anyone really standing there by my side. i just feel unfulfilled and empty and it hurts... im more fragile yet im still here.