redemption.

finished my exam and nothings changed.
i sleep. i eat. i drink coffee. i go gym.
now i need a job.
i will sleep. i will eat. i will drink coffee. i will go gym. i will work.
whats next.
nothing will change its always the same.

just trying to relax but im always tense and uncomfortable.. and alone now.

i rewatched 5 centimeters per second after hearing this song again:



i was just reading...

"5 centimeters per second, the speed at which cherry blossoms falls. its an allegory to life.
acceleration due to gravity is 9.8m/s squared. compared to that 5 cm/s is very, very slow.

like cherry blossoms, most of us in the beginning of our lives are all clumped together and close to our friends, family and loved ones. but as we grow, slowly but surely, we grow apart from most of them. aside from our family, it is extremely rare for us to be able to be with the same people we were close to in the beginning. just like how rare it is for two cherry blossoms to be close to one another when they fall to the ground."

this movie is really beautiful.. and life really is like a cherry blossom tree with us as the cherry blossoms. we flourish beautifully until we slowly fall and disappear far away from those you slowly spent your time with. after rewatching it, i feel different feelings. i've grown up a little but surely, the first time i watched it i was in high school and i didnt understand a lot about life but since then ive experienced a lot. pain. love. losing friends. it makes me feel this deep tight feeling around my heart and it hurts to breath. its like my hearts being restrained.

it makes me feel the meticulousness of my life. i never ever really felt like i was ever in the moment, im always looking away from whats in front of me and because of that i have lost a lot of opportunities and things in my life. i feel like im stuck in a dream, not in this world. this song just makes me slow down, and makes me want to crawl up into a ball and cry into my pillow... my heart really feels tight. i dont know how else to describe it. the song is so simple but it makes tears run down my face... not sad just.. tears...

i've calmed down. life isn't really a stand still no matter how much pain and agony you feel throughout your life. there are always new things, new emotions and new things to be found if you just continue to live. they might not be sudden and it might feel like every moment in your life you're just waiting for it to come because in reality time isn't as fast as you would like it to be sometimes and at other times, it's too fast. that's one of the most fascinating things about life. you're thrown into this world without a thing, just a body but you develop bonds with people, you develop your own personality and as you grow older you continue to change. i know i have.

when i was younger, even looking back less than a year ago, every moment i continue to live i feel like i am growing and becoming someone better. i used to be much more naive, nervous and anxious about everything. more wary... more stressed but although those same stresses exist i changed in an unknowing way. life as you live it isn't stagnant at all. there are moments when you freeze but it just keeps going.. really.. it just keeps going. maybe slowly but it will move on and i feel like slowly overcoming these fears within me, the problems that arise and overcoming then i'll be able to feel satisfied with myself. sometimes you're faced with the same problems in different scenarios but every mistake you make, every feeling you feel stays with you and you'll be able to move on. i know i can move on. time is a beautiful thing, it keeps you forever changing. everything i've experienced up to now... im full of memories and i am still young. looking back at everything that has happened in my life, i am grateful, confident and feel reassured that i can keep going. even though its hard, i want to reach the end with a smile on my face without regrets. there are a lot of good moments and a lot of hard moments in life but they are what really help you grow. its cliche, but its the truth. so im just trying to be at peace with who i am and the choices i have made in my life. there are times when i might rewind and hurt, but i know it will pass. people are stronger than they give themselves credit for, and with the fragility of life, there is the wonder in it.. so... everyone including myself, dont give up on life. it is beautiful no matter how you choose to live it and there are beautiful things to be found as long as you continue. 

how am i meant to keep going feeling like this. im hurting so so so so bad and i can't even tell anyone. it hurts so much and i cant deal with it... im barely making it through with a straight face each day. i cant even stop. the second i stop doing something is when i break down. i have to force myself to be busy but theres always times when im alone. shower. before i sleep. just sitting in my room. i really keep hoping up that ill wake up like its one really really bad dream, i dont know how i became like this... i dont know which is reality and i feel like im living a lie. theres nothing positive in my life and im just one big negative. theres nothing good left. TELL ME HOW AM I MEANT TO KEEP GOING. HOW. HOW. HOW.... HOWWWWW rhiaeghiufeuhu fuck.

i am holding everything in. im not even a bottled up soft drink waiting to explode. im just swallowing it all into nothingness. i cant express myself and every good feeling that was left in my life has really vanished. i want to live in memories. i want to disappear into a real dream.. someone tell me how i am meant to keep going like this where theres nothing for me... how...

i wish i could rewind back to a time when words meant something to me. when actions weren't the only thing i could trust. my dreams are overriding and trying to mimic a past reality but we are in the present. everythings always blurring and in this path where im not sure what is reality and what is my dream. im hoping for the impossible and barely breathing anymore. im really vanishing slowly..