redemption.

usually theres up and downs but at the moment its just one big down and im not sure when its going to stop. ive tried to trap myself in university but i cant get into it, theres not really anyone in my life at the moment. everyones pretty much on the outside of this little inner world, only visiting me irregularly. work opened up another little world to visit but its still not enough. i think ive just felt unsatisfied with life lately, theres just nothing in it and its actually just depressing. a lot more than anyone could think, more than just a motivational slump, its a life slump.every little thing that meant anything doesn't bring the same joy anymore, i play basketball but i lost the happiness in it. i game, even when i win theres no happiness in it and theres just nobody to talk to anymore. theres been times in my life where ive had no one to talk to for a few months but that was okay because there was always other stuff in my life, basketball, some game to play, schoolwork but now its just nothing. and nothings nothing. and when you feel like you've lost everything that ever mattered.. when you think back to times where you could smile, nothing but sadness left here.

i've just been waiting my whole life, just waiting, not chasing, i dont even know what to do. just hoping, can't see it, don't know what else that i can do. don't know why i can't remember, what i thought was right for me.. don't know why. im still chasing. even though i think im waiting. only hoping. can't even take this last breath no more.

im at the age where i can't sit around and let my life play itself out anymore. all my life i've just been waiting and just going with whatever but now in every single step of my life theres new steps to be made, ive realised that but i still can't take those steps. people don't need me in their life anymore. im just that edge of their steps, that crumbles if you walk on it, never part of the middle. only once i've crumbled down can i start to build new better steps.

don't know what it is but i'm feeling really constrained at the moment. it's just hard to breath. hard to think. hard to find myself. not feeling right and theres nothing i can do about it.

i've been dreaming a lot lately. i don't really remember much though. yesterday i dreamt i was in korea once again. its sad really, thinking of all the wants, all the needs, all the shoulds and all the coulds. i don't know what i'm thinking lately, i can't really keep a level mind. i don't even know what i want. i can't get what i need.  i can't follow the shoulds, and i miss out on the coulds. honestly, i don't know what gives me motivation to keep going on to the next day lately, theres just been nothing. these last few weeks just feel empty. don't know what im hoping for either.

three animes that embrace a world i want to live in:
sword art online
clannad
kuroko no basuke