redemption.

somehow i manage to push everyone around me away. people can say as much as they want that i'm a nice person or that i'm good looking or that i'm smart but the reality is none of those factors will do a thing for the people around me. these things don't keep people around you and somehow or other i manage to push everyone away from me... i used to think when i was younger that it was the people around me but the reality is i'm not that naive and it's myself, the only flaw is within myself. i am isolating myself by my actions and my lack of everything and in the end everyone around me will slowly disappear further and further. thats the reality.

i try to be nice to everyone regardless of who they are or what they've done to me although when i was younger that wasn't the type of person i was. i can say that i matured a little but in the end getting too comfortable with people or being too close to people makes them run away from me. i can't be myself around people and i realise that. if i let down my guard then i'll scare them away... it's really... really... sad. the true personality of me, i dont even know what that is myself but when i'm not thinking properly or when im comfortable is when people start to get pushed away. to begin with the only friends i have had in the last few years have been people who have disappeared from my life, working holidays etc. and... everything is just.. temporary. i feel like my life isn't anything permanent and i'm just a temporary entity that is bound to just fall into nothingness.

i wish there was something bright to pull me away from this isolation and mindset because i know i cant do it myself.