redemption.

i'm pretty messed up... as deranged as i seem at times and non-sensical especially on this blog, i know how to control myself. sometimes i might seem to lose my edge a little but i am more sensitive than i seem if you get to know me. theres extremely little things that will touch me really hard, somebody might not think it's significant but the one bad and good thing about me is that i remember things, especially bad things i seem to remember for a long long time and i dont forget. some people say you don't hold grudges but i hold every negative sentiment and feeling within me and i never let it go. i remember almost every single bad thing people have done to me and although i may act kind and good on the outside, i'm not a good person really. people are lucky laws bind this world together.

at the moment there is just so many things going on with university coming to an end. i really want something to bump myself out of this strangled reality but i'm falling further into its flow. im half normal, half messed up but thats who i am...

somehow i manage to push everyone around me away. people can say as much as they want that i'm a nice person or that i'm good looking or that i'm smart but the reality is none of those factors will do a thing for the people around me. these things don't keep people around you and somehow or other i manage to push everyone away from me... i used to think when i was younger that it was the people around me but the reality is i'm not that naive and it's myself, the only flaw is within myself. i am isolating myself by my actions and my lack of everything and in the end everyone around me will slowly disappear further and further. thats the reality.

i try to be nice to everyone regardless of who they are or what they've done to me although when i was younger that wasn't the type of person i was. i can say that i matured a little but in the end getting too comfortable with people or being too close to people makes them run away from me. i can't be myself around people and i realise that. if i let down my guard then i'll scare them away... it's really... really... sad. the true personality of me, i dont even know what that is myself but when i'm not thinking properly or when im comfortable is when people start to get pushed away. to begin with the only friends i have had in the last few years have been people who have disappeared from my life, working holidays etc. and... everything is just.. temporary. i feel like my life isn't anything permanent and i'm just a temporary entity that is bound to just fall into nothingness.

i wish there was something bright to pull me away from this isolation and mindset because i know i cant do it myself.