redemption.

reality hits you hard. one of the hardest things in life is acknowledging and realising that you're not good enough for something, that you never were and never will be able to do something. you spend your whole life trying to improve yourself, you get educated, you learn life lessons and try to improve but when you face the reality that you aren't good enough for something, that you don't reach expectations or that anything you believed made you superior to someone else is really just bullshit then it hits you hard.

i think i am lucky in some aspects which shouldn't be taken advantage of. my parents could afford to and continue to give a good upbringing and lifestyle. i was able to get education and extracurricular activities. i am smarter than the average person, i was able to go to a good school and university. i am better looking than the average person. i don't know whether it's because im eurasian or the fact that i'm tall but i get compliments occasionally even though it never leads to anything. and lastly, believe it or not i'd like to believe that i have a good personality. at least a caring one.

the thing is that i don't want to put effort into caring about people who have hurt me, abandoned me or don't regard me as someone who can be respected equally anymore but the fact is that i can't stop caring and it hits me as hard as knowing that i'm not enough. people can spout all their self esteem bullshit but facts are fact. when you lose you lose and theres no return. i am inadequate and its a fact. i am someone who people look at once and move on with their lives. there is no one permanent in my life apart from my family and even then.... its hitting me real hard right now. i used to think that even though i was lucky in some aspects, if i was able to care and treat people well then people might like me or enjoy talking to me at the least but.... i'm really really hurting right now. i can't even string my sentences together properly. i give so much for other people without looking at myself, im always giving and i give people second chances, i give people third chances, fourth chances and even when i'm still treated shit i still face people with a smile on my face, not because someone told me to but because i honestly believe that if im nice enough to other people then i will be able to make myself and the people around me happier but right now, i know i'm just fucking with myself. i'm honestly done with everything right now. this point on is just living for the sake of living. i stepped over my own limits and i'm falling into a world where nothing matters anymore. when can i escape this reality and fall into my world of dreams.