redemption.

i was reading back on some of my previous blogposts. some i feel like i was still a little young and naive and sure, every single thing im put in a different situation but overall, im still facing the same problems and the same and the same and the same again.

there is still the same insecurities, but they've dimmed. there is no reason for me to feel anything regarding them, i think overall i've stopped caring. the problems that used to annoy me, i just don't give a fuck anymore and the rushed pace that i felt like i was once in just numbed down to nothing.

there is still the same pessimistic attitude yet i'm able to cover it up better. maybe working around different types of people allowed me to change my attitude towards other people and i think i'm able to act more friendly to all types of people because even when i meet new people, i'm still judgmental but previously my actions were affected from my judgments now, i really don't care... there's still obvious things i'll stay away from but overall i feel like i become nicer from an external perspective.

everything is based on perspective. things can be perceived so differently yet be the same thing, thats why when you're facing the same problems people don't understand they're facing similar or sometimes the exact same problem just in a different circumstance which is why theres so many times people say i would have done this or i would have done that but then they don't realise in the actual situation.

id like to say that at some point in my life was the best point of my life but in reality, those best points of your life are meant to lead up to the present. it shouldn't stay in the past and if you can't recreate those memories in the present then they are just your past memories and aren't the best points in your life even if you felt the happiest in them. i'm not so naive anymore to believe in those fairytale like scenarios. im done with all of that and everything is just real and with that reality i stopped caring about things more. i feel dulled a little emotionally but i can cover it up. i dont even know if im covering it up because everything just feels so... unenergised. i dont know how else to put it. the flare in my life has dimmed down and just when i thought it might reignite it goes back to just getting sparks thrown at it every now and then. wish i could jump into some fantasy. wheres my life changing event.