redemption.

gaming/anime

theres only one real game that ive been playing for the last few years which is league of legends, pretty sure almost every person plays this game and im just another one of those people who play with it. through this game i think ive made more friends than people ive met face to face though, thats the real sad thing about todays society, its more of an online world. ive been having these urges to go out and not just sit at home like i used to feel comfortable doing, i feel the urge to just do something other than sit infront of my computer,.. if somebody saw me they wouldn't say that i look like i play computer games or anything but in reality i just put on a lighter personality lately to try and cheer myself up to be honest. its harder to be happy these days since not many things are looking up for me. gaming is one thing that i can just forget about everything else around me for the 30-40 minutes that i'm playing a game.. it does make me annoyed sometimes and its always more fun playing with other people you know in real life, pity i dont get that luxury.

anime on the other hand is my escape to another world for longer. i can find a good anime and watch all the episodes in one go. anything and sometimes i really wish i could just fly into a world like that.. its more exciting imagining it like that but in reality, im just studying and going to find a boring job like everyone else. 

university

i said before, in todays society everyone needs to go to university or at least some tertiary education if you want to live above average standards and that just creates more demand and puts more stress and pressure on everyone. we're living by a grading system where your marks determine where you can move up in life and your connections determines whether you can get them. thats the type of world we live in and i hate it. my university marks aren't bad and they're not good either and i'd like to think i'm one of the smarter kids compared to most people and i think i am but i still make just as many mistakes as everyone else. i pick up things fast and i can adapt to situations easily but that doesnt make getting a job easier and im still stuck. my marks in uni have really gone up this last year and its only going up higher.. but life doesnt seem any easier. is that how it is?

gym/coffee/study

for the last two years ive had the same routine, i go to gym whenever i can and get a coffee from msm at chatswood afterwards. i study in the cafe occassionally and sometimes somewhere else if i dont feel like seeing people. its become habitual but with my wrist i cant do anything properly lately. i am unemployed and that aspect of my life is gone now. im not even a big person even though ive been going gym for almost 2 years of my life, most people couldn't tell the difference, mainly because of my diet. i need to change that as fast as possible but i dont think ill really change my diet unless i live away from home. my parents dont cook home meals 90% of the time and i dont think id have the energy to bother making anything else for myself unless im the one doing the shopping all the time. i want to move out, a large part of me does but i cant even afford to. its hard... i wanna make coffee again. i miss making it. heres one below:

relationships 

ill start with friends. i used to have my best friends in high school but even they have disappeared out of my life and theres no one whos stuck by me anymore. i dont see anyone anymore and its only occassional. moving on ill go to university, i have a group of friends in university which i only see at university the few days i go for an hour or nothing but even then its just talking terms and no one will really talk anything past small talk with me. moving on to gym friends, i have made friends going to the gym and getting coffee for the past few years but no one talks past small talk with me either and im just younger to them maybe... where else am i getting friends?

 no where i feel like the only thing i can fall back on is my girlfriend. before when i was dating my first girlfriend, i really secluded and felt satisfied with just being able to talk to her and nothing else really bothered me and somehow i never really felt dull and empty but it ended and im moving on. its really hard to forget memories that deeply embedded in you that felt like your whole life but ive been trying to force it these last few months and it really really really hurts sometimes and theres no one to lean on. i managed to find someone caring, my second and current girlfriend. although we cant communicate as well because english isnt her first language, i do feel loved but even right now shes away for a month and everyones always busy. she seems happy and other stresses on her life that arent the same as mine, i just feel like the lack of friendship in my life is really hurting me. i had good friends but they've all disappeared. the three best friends ive had over the past years disappeared like this. the first one got a new girlfriend and hasnt communicated with me or made an attempt to see me lately. the second one moved to melbourne and the last one got a new girlfriend and pretty much threw my friendship back in my face by keying my car and turning 360 around for her. this tells me how deep friendship really means to some people. i have friends a step below that but theyre always in and out and the best friend i had recently moved back to korea... i worked with him everytime i worked and even though his english wasnt the best, he was a really good friend... but now after all this time im still back at step zero alone. theres times where i think if i invited people to my birthday how many would really come, how many would sincerely come? am i even enjoyable to talk with? to get along with? whats the real me and i dont even know anything at the moment... the closest anyone got to knowing who i really am was my first girlfriend because she was almost the only person i talked to for a long time and that led me to show things that i wouldnt normally. i guess thats how relationships work.. but in the end she didnt accept me and no one really does. lets go back another step to family.

my family is a little broken. my mum and dad although they love me are hard to read and hard to understand sometimes and i feel like i owe and respect them a lot for putting up with me. my extended family aren't close to me at all and i feel like its obligation we talk to each other at family dinners etc. rather than enjoying others company. my brother is closest to me however recently hes been quite angry about everything and not sure what hes been up to. its really hard to tell where my life is heading overall and i think i need to just slow down even more and look.

in the end i think everything will get better eventually. theres not especially bad, its just i need to look up. i think it'll get better slowly :)