redemption.

for some reason i feel like talking about the hopelessness of humanity. humans are born with so many faults, more faults than can be accounted for, they differ from person to person and when somebody sees a big enough fault it makes them not want to communicate with another human being and these faults differ again from person to person and hence there are too many complexities and vulnerabilities in humankind. every single person is different in terms of how their brain works and how they regard different things and then there are stereotypical morals, ethical and social values that must be held dear and an arrangement of other sort of protocols for different types of situations and whilst everyone is conditioned to these same protocols everyone reacts to everything differently to the point where sometimes people lose control of themselves and don't know what they're doing, don't know what they're saying which is another step back in humanity. fuck humanity. there are too many complexities and problems already without further problems being thrown up upon. why do i have to do this, why do i have to do that, why do i do this, why do i do that. you know what, instead of worrying why you do this, making excuses, reasons or whatever you want to call for that, people need to do what makes them comfortable as a human being that has been conditioned in the world we live in and what makes them happy and able to live with themselves as a person, sure everyone makes mistakes however if you make a decision you have to live with the consequences you made from those choices. from left to right i could go on talking about all this pointless things except it would create no relevance to anything i am saying or doing and since i am talking about this pointlessness in the first place, why do people make blogs and talk about pointless things like this and who sits around reading pointless things that i write like this. its really quite ...

i used to be content in my life with nothing. i could amuse myself in a book and be immersed for days. later on i could amuse myself in games and be immersed for weeks. now, i cant even immerse myself in something for a few hours. ive lost touch with those small things in life and can't settle myself because my desires keep growing and i found myself stuck at the barrier of time amongst other things. ive managed to exert my self control to a level higher than i could have ever imagined. i can cover and control my emotions in a way that i didn't actually think was possible, to the point where im forcing myself to pretend that im emotional on occassion by bending myself to stereotypical actions involved with situations which i think isn't a good sign for my wellbeing. most of all, i think i need some security in my life, even if its just momentary or insignificant, i think ill let myself try.