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Archive for February 2011
its time for a change. i want it, i need it, ill have it. nobody can stop me, nothing can stop me.
you know whats sad once again. the fact that people feel the need to deter attention to themselves through the effort, or in some cases luck, exerted in certain feats. unlike most of the general other population, i play basketball to get better for my own sake. no, ill never make it into nba. no i'll never even make it into a rep team. im not a great basketball player, but i try and am self motivated on my own will. ive been playing almost everyday since year 7. you'd think, why are you still so bad at basketball, but you tell yourself, no i train myself to jump higher to prove to you that i can jump higher than you, even when i know the fact that i jump higher than you, you blame it on my height. look around you, im not that much taller than anyone else, ive just been forced due to that small difference in size to play the bigger man all the time. the fact is i have taken more shots in basketball than any kid in my school. i would put money on that. so know this, anything i do is for myself, my own personal reasons, sometimes they may involve you, but don't force me to do things, don't assume things upon me. in my head, you're just embarassing yourself.
can anyone tell me that they have never thought what would happen if they killed themselves or if you died, what would happen to the world around you. in the truth, nothing. you are insignificant in this world like me. the world would go on. your family and friends may miss you, but over time they'll get over it. sure every now and than you might pop back into their heads, thoughts but they're only memories. people learn to move forward. today i was told a strange thing, why are you so angry? um... look at my face. im neither smiling nor frowning nor scowling or anything. its just empty. maybe people have become accustomed to that forced smile but than again even im starting to lose the difference in my reality.
and once again im left thinking, somebody tell me.
is it just me or is each day getting slower and slower, and worse than that its getting about fifty times less exciting. i don't get excited when i block somebody in basketball anymore. i can't jump. im bad at basketball. im even starting center anymore, guess im just not good enough.
my basketball life is over. my if i ever had any social life is over and to top it off my school life was dead from the beginning. thank you world once again for fucking me over in more ways than i ever expected.
life's going real real real real slow. i'll just lie back and chill on it, like flowing down a river or something.
nothing gets me excited anymore. i think i've become more bored with life i think since this terms gone on, maybe thats just how i'll look at everything until the end of HSC. hopefully, just until then (:
i dont understand how people can say things and not understand that they hurt other peoples emotions or feelings. i dont know how people can just stand there and pretend that they dont know the reason why im being cold to them. i dont get why nobody understands.
we're all humans right, but once again, everyones different.
another valentines day went by without a gift, without a smile, without a person noticing me for what the true meaning of the day is meant to be about. its not a big deal, im just putting that out there. [: just another monday.
oh, just to say, i REALLY like that picture at the top. it makes me happy.
what else to talk about, hmm. :x
everythings been going slowly lately, everything processes through my head slow, its like times become slower to a point. like actually slower, all my goals in life seem unrealistic, everything i wanted i can never hold to. i have never achieved any of my goals in life. :s thats a sad reality.
and for some reason, im thinking of these things in japanese while im typing them. thats a good thing in a way, help my japanese! not that i know how to say 3/4 of it. :D
i just have to say,
thank you world for being there for me.
thank you for all the times you've had my back.
thank you for putting me into this school.
thank you you've made me happy.
but what you didn't know, is its opposite day.
would you like to hear an interesting story? well bad luck, thats a rhetorical question. yesterday i had a lovely d&m session with some stranger on the internet. the funny thing
is they understood me in those few moments more than anyone else has in my entire
life. they understood things i do:
- they noticed that i use positive emoticons, even when im talking about something sad just to cover up things so nobody would notice. and nobody ever does notice.
- they understood, they didn't pretend to ignore me or change the subject, they talked about themselves just enough so i wouldn't feel like its just me. good day to you stranger and may we meet in another lifetime.
i've said it before, i'll say it again. i hate to be stereotyped, and this is the worst stereotype of all.
just because im crying it doesn't mean im sad. just because im smiling, it doesnt mean everything is alright.
i know myself better than anyone, that is a reality for everyone. don't pretend you can clump me into a group of people who react the same as everyone else. im different, remember it.
just because im crying it doesn't mean im sad. just because im smiling, it doesnt mean everything is alright.
i know myself better than anyone, that is a reality for everyone. don't pretend you can clump me into a group of people who react the same as everyone else. im different, remember it.
i know i should have realised before, i thought about it but never took it to heart.
life isn't a fairytale, there are no heroes, no one to out there for the better good.
god can only help so far, us, me, ordinary humans, we have no power.
no matter what happens, i won't lie. they can't make me lie. i have my own morals.
my body won't stop shaking... this is too far.
life isn't a fairytale, there are no heroes, no one to out there for the better good.
god can only help so far, us, me, ordinary humans, we have no power.
no matter what happens, i won't lie. they can't make me lie. i have my own morals.
my body won't stop shaking... this is too far.
for once, i wish someone would believe in me. my family doesn't believe in me, my friends can't believe in me. no one believes in me. the school wouldn't let me return to class to learn yesterday when i thought it was such a mere accident and i was like.. um is this protocol? and than i just asked if i could study in the library, they took me to the library than said i had to sit outside the principals office. they tried to call the counsellor on me. and now i find the reason is because they said i looked angry and would be dangerous to other people? DONT FUCK WITH ME.
this is beyond pathetic, its the biggest bullshit, most pathetic lie that i have ever heard in my life. i made 100% sure that i didn't show any emotion on my face from second i got out of the school. :\ if there was anything it was sadness. this is beyond .... i have no words for it.
the school sides with the teacher. the teachers side with the teacher. the regional board sides with the teacher. the department of education would side with the teacher. they would ruin my future just to abuse their power. im not rich enough to take it to the court of law. i have no one on my side, and that is the worst feeling in the world.
this is beyond pathetic, its the biggest bullshit, most pathetic lie that i have ever heard in my life. i made 100% sure that i didn't show any emotion on my face from second i got out of the school. :\ if there was anything it was sadness. this is beyond .... i have no words for it.
the school sides with the teacher. the teachers side with the teacher. the regional board sides with the teacher. the department of education would side with the teacher. they would ruin my future just to abuse their power. im not rich enough to take it to the court of law. i have no one on my side, and that is the worst feeling in the world.
contrary of what everybody may think, i am fine. (: when you have a moment like this you're meant to be like, oh, and have those massive reflections but that already happens to me everyday. i sort of thought it was still a dream while i sat outside of the principals office for 3-4 hours. heres my rant of what was going through my head at the time. i tend to note important things down on my phone. :D
i'll start with the start. on the 8th of february at 10:21am i just broke. i had enough of the shit people in my school, teachers, everyone has given to me. everything, just everything was too much. usually i can take it, but i just snapped and told the teacher to just fuck off as i went out of the room. i'll skip the details, in any other normal unprejudiced school that would be a detention or after school detention at the most, but look at me now, im suspended for two days.
brought me back to thinking, i respect her, i had nothing wrong with her, any teacher or person for that matter, i give them my respect until such a time in which they choose to abuse it, i learnt that, it holds true. but she abused it. she neglected all her teacher responsibilities, victimised me infront of the class and she got whats coming to her.
this brings me to the saying "the teachers are always right". yeah, sure you have to face that in our education system, but abuse is too much. im not going to let someone tread over my life just because they think they can, im not a kid anymore, im seventeen and i can make my own decisions. teachers are only human too. i felt that it they honestly don't care about our education, this teacher especially, they just follow procedures and protect each other to satisfy the hole they're missing in their lives. students, teachers, we're all human, we have feelings alright.
i don't know how many times i used the word pathetic yesterday, but just to note, if i use the word pathetic about anyone, its the worst insult i could possibly give, to anybody.
on a slightly more happier note, i've noticed to really listen to song lyrics now, they use to be just a mash of beats and sounds now its more meaningful..? :L
i also noticed that the only reason i smile in circumstances with people i don't like is because it brings back memories of other times i spent when i was actually having fun with people, and it reminds me of it. [:
but honestly, i don't feel a thing. sure, people smile when they're happy, laugh when they find something funny, cry if they're sad. but now i think about it, its more of an action than an emotion to me. :x
on to learning conics by myself! [:
i'll start with the start. on the 8th of february at 10:21am i just broke. i had enough of the shit people in my school, teachers, everyone has given to me. everything, just everything was too much. usually i can take it, but i just snapped and told the teacher to just fuck off as i went out of the room. i'll skip the details, in any other normal unprejudiced school that would be a detention or after school detention at the most, but look at me now, im suspended for two days.
brought me back to thinking, i respect her, i had nothing wrong with her, any teacher or person for that matter, i give them my respect until such a time in which they choose to abuse it, i learnt that, it holds true. but she abused it. she neglected all her teacher responsibilities, victimised me infront of the class and she got whats coming to her.
this brings me to the saying "the teachers are always right". yeah, sure you have to face that in our education system, but abuse is too much. im not going to let someone tread over my life just because they think they can, im not a kid anymore, im seventeen and i can make my own decisions. teachers are only human too. i felt that it they honestly don't care about our education, this teacher especially, they just follow procedures and protect each other to satisfy the hole they're missing in their lives. students, teachers, we're all human, we have feelings alright.
i don't know how many times i used the word pathetic yesterday, but just to note, if i use the word pathetic about anyone, its the worst insult i could possibly give, to anybody.
on a slightly more happier note, i've noticed to really listen to song lyrics now, they use to be just a mash of beats and sounds now its more meaningful..? :L
i also noticed that the only reason i smile in circumstances with people i don't like is because it brings back memories of other times i spent when i was actually having fun with people, and it reminds me of it. [:
but honestly, i don't feel a thing. sure, people smile when they're happy, laugh when they find something funny, cry if they're sad. but now i think about it, its more of an action than an emotion to me. :x
on to learning conics by myself! [:
the opening clip for this, omg that montage! the second half isn't as great because of her terrible camera but wah. :D made my week maribelle anes once again (:
o
this blogs been coming on for a while now, you know with the end of holidays and start of school you just tend to think about random things. plus i tend to note them down on my phone if i have the time. [:
the first thing which i totally forgot to note down but remember is oh my god. D: i am not satisified with just talking to people on msn, texting them. i use to be happy with that, that was enough for me, but now look at me gone and went out and met them and wanting to see them more! everyday im stuck at this shitty school without close friends is painful, not being able to talk to them completely, not going to see anybody, this year i just realised is going to be worse than hell! continue to force myself to do all this work and all. i love the way, seeing a picture of an anime i once watched brings all those emotions back. (: its amazing!
anyways, on to point two. i was on the train this morning and i look at all the fat people in the seats, the two seaters do not fit two australian people LOL. we're the fattest people in the world okay, and oh my god. please aircon the trains D: im suffering. yeah screw Australian transport though, haha. bus drivers are bitches too! [:
finally, my lovely last point which i shall enlighten whoever reads this is my paranoia for surveillance cameras. i swear everytime i walk into a room, i like scan it for surveillance cameras. :L even if its like at a friends house. bathrooms mainly. x) too many creepy pedophiles out there, you never know what you might encounter.
i finally switched my blanket to a thin one too on my lovely uncomfortable bed so i can sleep even more uncomfortably all night long! (:
now wasnt that a positive post. too positive. lets go balance it out.
oh, i cant think of any philosophical/logical/social opinions to talk about. i want to msn someone lovely dnms right now. [:
it helps me develop a better sense of thought? that makes sense!
this blogs been coming on for a while now, you know with the end of holidays and start of school you just tend to think about random things. plus i tend to note them down on my phone if i have the time. [:
the first thing which i totally forgot to note down but remember is oh my god. D: i am not satisified with just talking to people on msn, texting them. i use to be happy with that, that was enough for me, but now look at me gone and went out and met them and wanting to see them more! everyday im stuck at this shitty school without close friends is painful, not being able to talk to them completely, not going to see anybody, this year i just realised is going to be worse than hell! continue to force myself to do all this work and all. i love the way, seeing a picture of an anime i once watched brings all those emotions back. (: its amazing!
anyways, on to point two. i was on the train this morning and i look at all the fat people in the seats, the two seaters do not fit two australian people LOL. we're the fattest people in the world okay, and oh my god. please aircon the trains D: im suffering. yeah screw Australian transport though, haha. bus drivers are bitches too! [:
finally, my lovely last point which i shall enlighten whoever reads this is my paranoia for surveillance cameras. i swear everytime i walk into a room, i like scan it for surveillance cameras. :L even if its like at a friends house. bathrooms mainly. x) too many creepy pedophiles out there, you never know what you might encounter.
i finally switched my blanket to a thin one too on my lovely uncomfortable bed so i can sleep even more uncomfortably all night long! (:
now wasnt that a positive post. too positive. lets go balance it out.
oh, i cant think of any philosophical/logical/social opinions to talk about. i want to msn someone lovely dnms right now. [:
it helps me develop a better sense of thought? that makes sense!
