redemption.

do you like anybody? .. not really. did you brush your teeth? .. yes, mum. did you practice piano? do your homework? do you trust me? this world is full of lies.

i know i came to a realization this night and im out of tears. im a different person, not the same person i was yesterday, not the same person i was last year, not the same person. im different, constantly changing.
my brother is my only true friend, i can rely on him whenever, although we may fight at times he's there for me to help me go through, and im there for him. you may be thinking oh look at this fucking pussy, but i do not care not one little bit. ive lost friends over the years and none of them could put up to me, never been close enough to anyone to call them my best friend, that words chucked around a lot when your young, whos your best friend? another lie.

this afternoon i went to my grandmothers for dinner, and my mum started complaining about things, us being disrespectful, and inparticular my brother even though he didn't say a word back and i did. i couldn't take it. but than over dinner, we ate, and my brother went out. at dessert my mum started talking about how 'ungrateful' my brother is, how terrible he is to the point that my brother was going to leave the house. its the hardest moment in my life since high school, my heads still not wrapped around whats happening after my holiday, i still don't know whats going on, but i can't lose my brother not after all this. and i .. got him to come back. if he left , it would never be the same, i couldnt take that.

i sat at the front gate for hours, possums fluttered in the treetops, cars went by under the moon, just thinking while i just cried. once again, i dont care what you think but i have to say this. i prayed. no i am not a christian but i do believe there is something.. i saw a korean family walking happily down the road hand in hand, and they came back after sometime. things will be alright, but i always have to face myself with questions.

who am i? i think about it everyday as i take off my contacts and stare into that mirror.. a 16 year old boy called cameron from north sydney boys? or just another person in this world.
even contemplated what this is, is any of it real? it could all just be nothing, of nothing.

but there is one thing i am sure of, the only person who i can understand is my brother, i look at everyone else, my mum, my father and i dont know what they're thinking, my friends, teachers, everyone. i still love my parents, they are who they are, they've sacrificed for us, in year 6 for my selective test, who do you aspire to? i wrote about my mother. a typical answer, but it was the truth. and look where i am, she tries and despite these hardships i know she loves us and she just wants us to be the best we can. thats family for you, and only now do i realise i value it more than any friendship because they stick with me and they won't give up on me, and i won't ever give up again.