redemption.

somewhere, somehow along the way it came to a point where i can't live normally. i think when you love somebody so much that you can't be normal otherwise, when they're all you think about everyday, when you're content just being near them, looking at pictures of them and being able to talk to them then everything is perfect and there is no need for any other explanation or reasoning to not be with them. that feeling doesnt come around more than once in a lifetime so i will never give up.

i used to be naive, immature and ambitionless but this last year ive grown up when i thought i had already come to the point, ive changed for the better and am learning to become the best person because there is now a reason to. when you have a reason to do something, to fight for something, to change for someone, everything becomes easier and now i have to become the strongest pillar that will never crumble through good and bad times.

shaking and crying again. back to state one. all i need and want in my life is security and knowing that i can be happy being who i am with who i want to be with, but its not enough.

my biggest fear is that im not enough, but my worst fear is that knowing that im not enough to change my own future. to have a say in what i want in my life. knowing that no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try that its not enough to change the outcome of the future. knowing that i have zero say in what happens.

fear hurts, not knowing hurts, im hurting. when i think ive finally passed, something else pops up that just destroys me from the inside out. i try not to admit it but im really sensitive and i get hurt easily. there are points like this where i feel like my whole life i worked up to one point and when i finally reach the pinnacle i get thrown back ontop of a fucking spike. but im not quite there yet, im hovering over it hoping that i'll get caught before i get pierced but that feeling of getting pierced is looming in my head and im feeling the eptiome of hopelessness. my hope is dying. all my faith and love is unmovable.