redemption.

since everyone thinks my blog is only about depressing posts i'll try and lighten up the scene some more. even through all the ups and downs of the last few months where i really only talk here about the downs, i've become a happier person in general i think as i've been maturing and growing up faster than expected. i'm at the point where i'm past all the immaturity and i really started to think more clearly than i used to and it's nicer. i feel happier and more confident about myself in general. before, i didn't really know what i wanted and i was always focused on trying to do what i'm supposed to do and what others expect from me but i gave up caring and do what i want to do rather than pretend to be someone im not. even though i used to be fine showing that fake side, its not who i am. id rather be true to myself right now than play someone else and as long as i have someone beside me, im okay. im happy and i wouldnt want it any other way.

i always put effort into the things i do when i feel its worth it and i sacrifice more than i get more often than not. im used to it that way, im used to being used and just following certain procedures and stereotypes but when you stop and really think if its what you want before you act. you change yourself. and when you find out whether you generally enjoy doing things then it makes things more worthwhile and lets you put more effort into them and willing to take further steps if that made any sense at all. i think people get caught up too much in stereotypes, they drag you down but you really need to think about what makes you happy personally as a person and then follow that because in the end your happiness is your own and your the one making the decisions for that. if youre happy doing nothing with your life. and if youre happy being a billionaire playboy. it doesnt matter, as long as youre happy. thats the difference. a happy person is a happy person. a sad person is a sad person. regardless of circumstance, you are yourself so make it happen (:

when you keep trying to create a sense of uniformity and simplicity into your life you're inevitably only going to hurt yourself. there is nothing simple about life and when you try to make it seem simple and not so bad, thats when youre throwing yourself into false hopes and you'll end up trashed, alone and lifeless. theres too much pain everywhere and from everything, people like myself are always putting themselves down from that low self esteems stems branches of more sadness and sorrow and its just too hard to climb back, even with help youre only just going to be left at the bottom tunneling deeper into your own pit of shit. i keep telling myself everythings alright and theres nothing to worry about even when theres a million things shooting through my head and when you keep forcing those things to the back of your head, eventually theres not going to be any space left to store it which is why i forget. forgetting is easier than forgiving. my life isn't so holy that i can easily forgive even though its seemingly the right thing to do. this springs more traps, trips and when youre left with all these insecurities about yourself and those around you, you don't know what to trust or believe in anymore and its really quite empty. im really quite empty right now... just floating on.