redemption.

even though everything has become real im forcing myself to believe im still dreaming. when things go right i tell myself that somethings not right and its a dream so i dont generate false hope. hope breaks people. youre better off not knowing what happiness and serenity is then having it and losing it in a blink of an eye. it leaves you hopeless, wasted and still hoping youll wake up from this dream. my life changed. i fought out of that emptiness i was entrapped within, climbed out of the pit only to be thrown back in broken and unable to climb ever again. weak. alone.

i used to feel isolated in this world but its only escalating. physical distance. mental distance. social distance. everything has just become distant and now im trapped in my own world without anyone to pull me out. im logical and i have considered almost every alternative and i am unable to meet people or bring people into my life easily. i dont have friends to bring more people in my life and the ones i do have are there when convenient. i keep trying. fighting. and im still here alone. i have my family but i cant tell them. i have friends but i cant rely on them. i have myself but with the decisions ive made i find it hard to trust myself even.

i think too methodically. everything haa become a process and necessity to remain constant and normal rather than instinctual or spontaneous. i lost that part of me and im not interesting. im not comforting enough. i think ive gotten too caught up in people  i understand how people think, what they want to hear and even though i disagree with their thought process i know what to say. my actions are done through perceived norms and i find little comfort in anything anymore. i think ive lost myself while trying to construct myself to expectations and in reality, i am created by other people, no personality. dry, weak and fucking useless.