redemption.

dont wake me up. dont wake me.. dont wake me up  up up up up up up ~
everything been feeling like a fairytale, some unrealistic dream, some drama that i've only ever dreamed of. i never thought in my life that i could care about somebody or somebody could care about me to the level that only ever existed in my fantasies. its a little wavering, makes me feel like im not really alive and that im gonna wake up oneday and realise once again that im alone. i cant help but have negative thoughts, my whole life ive been living thinking pessimistically about everything to the point where i know i can deal with anything that comes my way because i know theres always worse things out there. i dont get phased easy and i dont get angry easy anymore either. i just feel so lifeless. this holidays all ive been doing with my life is working and gymming and i look at my bank account and theres no money in it. i think have i even been working. i look at my body and i think have i even been gymming. i look exactly the same. its all just a little demoralising and it makes me feel that maybe everything ive had and known is really a dream which is why nothing is really progressing. it just makes me wish my life would skip forward to some point where id realise im alive. i can feel that im alive. to a point where i can feel content with myself... im really not okay.