redemption.

so maybe somebody will be able to tell, but yeah. i've procrastinated last night and this morning to change my blogskin. when i finally realise that i edited the html right to get the things the way i want it, lovely sense of satisfaction.
my older posts might be a touch hard to read because it is black on grey though... but i doubt anybody even bothers to read any of those, apart from me when im feeling nostalgic. most of those old posts are a little emo to be honest.

ive been thinking, i really should stop using smiley faces when im not smiling right! and for some reason i've been going LOL and HAHA. a lot more, rather then just :L or something. gosh. im not laughing that hard, most of the time anyway. its hard to laugh when ive had trials. my memory has actually failed me. i swear on probably 10 separate occassions these last few weeks, ive done said something stupid because my memory is failing. for example, uh. my friend told me that this guy did his four unit test and actually lost a mark, but than i told him that like after the test we did, and he was like... i told you that. :S awkward! but yeah. my memory has actually been failing.

what else is important today cameron? oh. i finally got a new bag, so i don't have to lug around my giant brick of a backpack which was my brothers because mine broke!
ive made a to-do-list which i keep on my desktop. i can't wait til tomorrow after my exam, ill finally be free. unless you've done HSC and were in my position you probably have no idea how hard trials are. most people my age haven't got up to it. its ridiculously stressing especially when your ATAR estimate won't even let you become a plumber! looking forward to these holidays though, hopefully i won't be nerded at home and i can go out and have fun with friends, preferably without too many cockfest nights to look forward to, cons of a boys school once again. i won't go into that... apparently, i noticed that a couple of people have said that i have a bad reputation here. bad reputation there, nobody likes me. its ridiculous. ive been locked up in a boys school, the only person who has a reason to not like me is the juniors who've tried to start shit with me.. i rarely even see many familiar faces locked in this hole. but each day ive strived on. learnt to tell myself, fuck those haters. :) because what really matters is my own opinion of myself, even though im not satisfied with how i am now always wanting more, thats a sin y'know. heh... sometimes you have to forgive and let go of your feelings towards others, even if it costs you a little of something, thats the only way I can go on.

on an upside, i got my Ps for people which didn't know that. vroom vroom. i still want a mazda rx7, even though they're old and only two seaters. (: but on the wage of a plumber, looks like ill be driving a ute... LOL. D: tragic. everything felt so lonely lately though. most of my friends i rarely talk to, dont feel very... whats the word... comfortable with how my life is now. maybe it will change, each day that ive trekked forward on this long trip for freeeeedom, ive put countless nights.. well thats a terrible expression. every night this term, ive done work ACTUALLY done work all so i could get a decent mark for trials but now im thinking... its ridiculous. im 100% sure im doing more work than AT LEAST 50% of the year group, and somehow i still manage to come last in four unit and below average in everything else. its ridiculous. im just not cut out for this lifestyle. i wont go all dnm on anyone, im not like that.. but like sometimes i can feel the blood pumping through my head, thats my dnm mode turned on. hahhha, its sort of sad really. have a good holidays people (: