redemption.

if you don't like reading long winded personal posts on whatever the fuck is going through my mind at the moment don't read below. theres no pictures to describe any of this :\ ill just put a video: this song always makes me think, thats the best thing about anime and drama. it allows me to see things from different perspectives, pity i havent watched any in ages. don't have that much time. the rest of this is going to just be a chunk of text.



ive always had insecurities about myself, whatever actions im doing and i think i'll start this with an actual list about everything i dislike about myself. once you can accept you can move on. thats the starting point. im going to be completely open about everything, honestly (and yes i use this word a lot, its not that im not always honest its just that if i dont people think im joking? seriously, whatever word you want to use, but i just notice i use it a lot,) i dont care how people judge me, i dont judge others harshly and i try to see the best in most people but theres always those people which i see them and i dont even want to know them, and most others once i meet them once my impression on them will barely change, thats just how it is.

its probably easier in bullet points: they'll be extended though. all this thought i had stored up in my head but i think its time to put it down to the best of my abilities anyway because last night someone made me realise how messed up i am, i dont judge that person on what they did, and in my opinion i deserved worse than what i had coming to me and they got me at the lowest of my low. i dont know how else to put it in words.
what i dislike about myself.

• this first point is to someone they know who they are. you are truly a bestie :\ i don't know how else to say it. you caught me at the worst possible point, this is where i was up to. i know you'll be there for me and im sorry if i hurt you in anyway, this is what im going to reflect on through this.
• this second point goes to my indecisiveness, ive said it before but now i truly know how messed up my head is. i can never think of the right thing to say, especially face to face, it hurts because everytime im forced to talk to people face to face i feel as if they're judging me and each little thing i do is there, especially with girls, sometimes with guys too though. i look back on things after and than just think how i couldve changed it despite knowing its too late, on the things i regret.
• i am selfconscious. i know i might sound like a dick right now but i dont like any aspect of myself. right now i cant even find one. ill go from head to toe, my hair, i hate how white it is. when my hairs not straightened when its this long it looks like a piece of shit honestly, i hate it, i hate how poofy it feels after i shampoo it and how messed up it goes from heat damage and just how crappy my hair is. i highly doubt any shampoos going to reduce that frizz when i shampoo it, it seriously messes up my hair. sure after i put in all that effort on some days it can look nice in my opinion but most of the days its just messed up, if it even gets wet than its screwed, if i play basketball at lunch and i sweat too much, yes its disgusting i dont sweat overly unless im playing really hard but its a bitch. it gets me all wet and ruins my hair. thats a con of being white once again. i dont like any white aspect of me. i use to think my height was a good thing, but no, im not that tall. im 183cm, 6"0 thats taller than the average guy but im not huge. sure compared to most of the people in my school im taller than most of them, but they're asian and im white. genetically im meant to be taller, its not always a good thing. the other day i hit my head on the roof of the bus and it bloody hurt, people are always saying 'oh your so tall', its not a compliment. i wish i was asian. it would make everything easier, i can't even speak chinese. i love my dad, and its not him that im hating, its being white. sure people say oh halfies are either hot or ugly. thats another stereotype, i hate being stereotyped. why can't we just be normal? next down is my brain, sure im 'smart' im at north sydney boys, but that doesnt mean anything. i wish i was at ruse if i had to go to a selective school. first of all its co-ed, which would get me over my inability to socialise at any normal level , ill get back to that. im not smarter than any of the people, i study hard when i need to and it doesnt pay off for me because im just not smart enough. people expect me to do well, but i cant live up to those expectations. there is no potential. next is just the rest of my body, whatever. once again im white, i fucking hate so much, despise that my skin isnt nice. i have freckles everywhere i can see. dot here, dot there, dots there. im hairer too, i got bloody hair everywhere. fuck being white. im starting to get facial hair which is a bitch to get rid of and to top it off look at my brother, his bloody hairless. how i envy that. :\ i got the worse side of the genes. his skin is more definitive than mine too.
  
• point four, everything gets to me now, the person who was talking with me last night whos the basis of this blog said i have a bad reputation, im not modest about my situation with girls and that im a flirtatious fucker who nobody wants to see to put it simply. ill go back to when i was younger. my childhood was seriously fucked up, you have no fucking idea and im not about to tell you that but it probably impacted on how i am now. i turned into a massive gamer and just spent like most of my childhood playing games to take my mind off anything, everything. it was like escaping from this world, but now i dont have the time to play around and im more knowledgeable, the con of being older. i dont like my age either, i missed out on everything, going to an asian church, playing in a proper basketball league at least reps. its too late for that, and that pisses me off. anyways from year 7 onwards til around year 10-the start of this year i was antisocial. anyone who knows me properly can vouch for that. i barely ever went out with friends, probably went to outings maybe 3 times up until year 10. and that goes on to friends. i mixed up with the guys which played basketball, the ones which i grew to like and be friends with i dont know if i can trust them anymore. honestly in my school there is only two guys who i would trust completely. thats now how friends work, friends dont fucking backstab you in the back, i put my trust in all of them, they hanged with me before and after they become a bunch of fucking tbs, but its just now i realise how they ostracize me. they quit basketball in year 9-10 and thats just how it is. they allow new kids to be their friends, people who havent been with them never betrayed them from year 7, ive been completely open with them and still am if they ever ask my opinion or anything about me . but apparently i can tell from their actions towards me now, it was all a lie. i see how they bitch about people when they dont hear people, but i didnt think they would do it to me which obviously they have because according to the person yesterday, 'im not completely modest about my situation with girls according to guy friends too.' that is the biggest bit of bullshit i have ever heard. first of all, none of the guys ever give two shits about any of my relationships with girls and have never asked me anything about it. theres one guy who i sort of opened up to, but he honestly didnt get a shit and even then i was being completely honest. i have no idea where they heard that from, even with girls im completely honest. they said im 'flirtatious', and i lead people on practically. no im not, is it wrong to have friends which are female? just because im at a male school doesn't change anything, in fact it makes it more important for me. does every word i say to a girl mean that i like them in a relationship sort of way? no. i can't be nice to a girl without flirting with her? even when people compliment me, i secretly smile sometimes its bloody awkward, but when someone compliments you you light up inside unless they're just fucking with your head. anyways, if a girl has complimented me overly, that counts as flirting? or they like me? not always. but than there is that limit when you realise that they like you, did i ever show any feelings back? no i don't call you cute back because im not attracted to you in that way. you can always tell that difference. thats whats important. anyways back to these friends, they're all i have stuck at this school in my final year. they're all that links me to the outside world. i was locked up in my own antisocial world until basically last holidays, started with nsg social where i met a few people after, than it went to going out with other people. and to be honest, im almost never happy but the few times i am happy is when im out with people doing whatever the hell it is they're doing but just being with others and having fun, even when its just bumming it makes me happy, i get home wishing i was back there, that is when i know i had a good time. im starting to lose track of what im saying and my heads spinning but im not stopping until ive said everything. last night i had a dream where i was .. actually thats not relevant. but does anyone get what im saying? you probably haven't even read this, i know when i see a chunk of text i have a hard time reading it unless its someone i care about or want to get to know. :\ well i just had to prove a point there, i like winning even if its a self given satisfaction knowing that i proved myself right whether the other person knows or not. :]
  
• my clothes, i have no proper going out clothes. why do i even care about that, i need to go shopping. its my birthday in two days, who gives a shit if anyone cares honestly i think your birthdays just another day but it gives you an excuse to go out with friends not that i have a group of friends which actually want to go out dedicated to my birthday, that hurts a bit but thats just how it is. every birthday i have is just another messed up day for me in my life.
• going back to appearance sort of. people use to call me lanky, im not that thin. when i was young i use to be overweight, i shot up and it stretched me out, i started exercising even more, and metabolism kicked in or something but i dont have that fast metabolism. although i may look thin im disgusted. no matter how much effort i put into anything it just wont pay off. not making sense here.. ill just skip to something else.

thats about all i have to say which i can think of the moment on myself. next ill just go to something id like to say. i am sick of this bullshit, everyday people are going around acting like they're the fucking topshit, whether they actually are like the president or whether they're some school kid who thinks his some gangster shit it makes no fucking difference. sure you can kill me and go to jail for the rest of your life but would that give you any long term satisfaction about what a piece of shit you really are. people can be scum. some people are born like that, some people grow up to be like that and its just as my friend said sometimes they need to be taught a lesson. whether hitting them or doing anything to them will show them how to respect other people, it needs to be done but its against the law and thats what rules over this messed up world. sometimes i just get that urge to want to actually beat the fucking shit out of some people, i know i sound just like the people im talking about here but its what matters to me and what comes out of it that matters. its never going to happen, these people are just going to wander around further messing up our world and causing people to be messed up in so many ways. :\ alright im completely lost in what im saying again. ill just say one more thing.

i care about what other people think of me but in the end i want a better life for myself and those people around me. im not going to give my life to helping some indian children be able to live, thats their problem. im born up in this society, and although im christian i have a different perspective than the majority of them. selective so to say, and thats just how i think. people think differently, act differently and not everythings always going to go your way, no ones perfect and you just have to deal with it. i probably didnt get everything i wanted to say out but thats all im going to say.

if you have anything to say and don't want to say it on my blog you can always use my formspring, thats what its there for. anonymous hate.