redemption.

first of all, i have to say that i am pretty much lost these last ... 5 days i'd say. i'm not particularly sure what im doing, whats the point of doing anything im doing and i dont realise when time skips from say 3-6pm. i dont know what ive been doing inbetween :\ say today. i was supposedly doing my english creative writing and i think i actually totally blanked out not like those people which say oh i blanked out , i like actually blanked out ;x i dont think anyone understands. i was just pointlessly writing, i sat there staring at the stimulus for ages and than i started a paragraph or two another 30 min or so passed and it took surprisingly long to finish a story which was absolutely useless. i printed it anyway, ill actually be surprised if i could get about 50%. sure i had a few nice sentences, but its like putting completely opposite and strange things together. :\ well im not going to send it to anyone anymore. just hand it in, get told its shit, and than go into my exam on thursday and come out with a 50% get screwed over and ... yeah :x i think im bad at english i dont know what it is. i think i realised im no good at it when my teacher last year gave me a 16/20 for my english assignment which i spent a tremendous amount of effort on and i think it was actually like the best piece ive ever written. ): and i got a 16/20 and than i hand in my reflection on it which took 5 minutes and she gives me 10/10 for that? is it the teachers dont actually see where people put effort into and just say ' you need to put more time into this ' those people dont deserve to be teachers. they should think like i think, well not how i think how the student they're marking is thinking. or at least try to sympathise with how and what they are writing. i think that making all these complicated things which have actually deeper meanings is stupid, actual authors do not think like that. im pretty sure they just blurt out what their instincts tell them to on the page, perhaps go over it but not turn it into a complicated piece which needs huge analysis on it.

anyways, onto saturday, i had coaching from 11-5 and in maths.. i was pretty much clueless, i just went through the paper copying it from the board and my brain did not absorb anything in chemistry i finally realised the diff between ionic and covalent and metallic bonding however i almost fell asleep. all the girls in those classes really put me off :\ i just sit in the corner of the classroom going uhh.. and its pretty lonely in chemistry but by far the best is english. the teacher keeps me attentive although he is a strange guy he actually knows where the marks are for english and how to get them and he knows it back to front. his writing horrendous but i like that class. and the teacher laughing at me for saying the woman in the movie was 29 ... mm made me happy that i could at least make somebody actually laugh. not those, haha just to break the moment laughs, or haha because you dont know what else to say. i do that on msn quite a bit too i realised. i cant tell when im in happy or neutral mode anymore. i dont get into sad mode, not in public anyways. :) im past that stage! even if it took a while. (: i wouldnt mind sitting in that room for the whole schooltime, except maybe japanese because i like japanese even though im not great at it. i use to be better.. i dont know ay.. every since things became more complicated ive been losing track of all the concepts in all subjects. maybe my brain just cant follow such complicated things. i literally have to go to the back of the book, get the answer still cant get it and than go ask a teacher , i get it on to the next question and im stuck again. ): in economics i havent learnt anything for 6 weeks and i think my economics assignment looks good but it really isnt that great particularly the part i wrote. aishh. D:

i have been good, no junk food so far. and ill keep it that way despite all the temptations. its just that the main problem is my house doesnt have any normal food. i go around looking for something and i cant eat anything. ive been mainly eating toast/cereal for the past week. not that thats a bad thing, i like it. (: okks.. and i really dislike it when people pressure me to do something i really dont want to do, i wish they could read my mind sometime or .. at least understand what im thinking but i wouldnt want them to read my mind completely they'll probably get freaked out and not want to talk with me with all the messed up things in my head. ;s

to end on a happier note.. actually there is none. (: have a happy march.
watching all those pro basketballers play use to make me happy, but its
sort of sad now :x knowing that i can never dunk it no matter how hard i
try. and even if i tried my hardest i couldnt make it that far because of yeah :\
all these people going oh cameron your a pro bballer, oh your tank, oh your
smart. im not ok. fuck . you dont know how much im not.

i love compliments.