redemption.

how come i can never be content with what i have. is it the same for everyone? i always want more. i get envious/jealous of all these things, and i hate myself for it. why do i want that, is it because i don't want somebody else to have it and i don't even truly desire that. greed is a sin and therefore must resist its temptations. agree? [:


my life, my future. ive been forced to keep on looking forward no matter how much i try to resist it once again. i have to do well at school, but does that mean i have to sacrifice my youth for it? my grandfather was abusing my mum saying shes a bad parent for letting me go out. is it a crime to have friends? i don't want to be some closed-closet guy who has to resort to asking his father's client's white daughter out with him to the year 12 formal like my cousin, even if it does get me 99.75. which i know it wouldn't. im not that naturally talented, im not that hardworking and im just.. average. is it wrong to want more? is it wrong to sit here questioning all this random things around in my head which i can't even pick out for whats right and wrong? but for now i know i want one thing. i want to enjoy my summer holidays with my friends, if that earns me $5k less a year, than so be it. its a sacrifice im willing to make, i don't need tonnes of money to be happy, enough is enough. [:

standing ovation for the biggest T trek EVER,
~to sehan, patrick and jitae. NEVER AGAIN :D

i just got asked if im depressed by a person i only just met because i reminded them of someone else who. :\ ANYWAYS. its a joyful day. ahha. im so funny.


i was thinking a bit more about insignificance in the world, no! i don't just sit around thinking about this sort of stuff... most of the time, haha. someone said something that brought it up to me, and ive been thinking you know. metaphorically speaking, my heart is seeking change. because of course your heart is just an organ, blah blah blah. but yeah, not like seeking out change like you want something different, but sometimes different isn't always better. i thought about it because i had a dream last night, can't remember it at all except that i was in a new house and that got me thinking about it even more. ive been so tense lately, i can feel it in my shoulders, my head, its just all cramped up. i have to seek those inner desires and be able to be happier. happiness is what you strive for in life, what i strive for in life, its different for different people i guess but i need to feel that sense of satisfaction. (:

oh my god. [: hehe. i have to post this music video. i was watching it last week but i just rewatched it again.



and oh my god, his eyes are so pretty. i know his probably wearing contact lenses but i want them if they make my eyes that pretty. hehe. how cute.

ever realised your insignificance in this world? you look around you, one person, the world almost 6.9 billion. put that into a calculator, that gives you 0.000000000145% thats how much of the world you make up and thats only with humans. you take into account everything else... and god, it just makes everything so insignificant. do you ever want more? something different than the average individual? will getting 99.95 atar help that. my cousin got 99.75 atar today, and im looking at a 90ish atar at the rate im going if i work hard, its pathetic. :\

im lost at how to look at things, do i look at them theoretically, philosophically, from a religious point of view? i just don't know anymore. but sometimes theres that one moment or one individual that defines a person. one moment.

when your left with nothing to do, blog it up [:
i was just thinking about something i said a couple of blogs ago, isnt it a bitch seeing friends talk about something your not invited to. heartbreaking
my highlight of the day was this comment from some randoms, i didn't even see them but i heard it :
wife to husband: would that serve his complexion?
husband: what pasty?
i almost laughed!
but i found it not as amusing because the other day some indian kid walking past, just another year seven, and i was like... ' whoa whoa whoa... your indian.' and he was said 'well, your pasty.' ouch. D: im even getting owned by year sevens now. i hope next year the year sevens don't trash talk me like that. otherwise id be feeling even shitter. when people say life is shit, what does it mean? fucking overall factors okay, when your a school student theres only three things you care about:
-academic
-family
-friends
and i just cant get over how annoying it is about this stupid moth running into my window. how stupid can you be...
anyways, academic can be split off into peer pressure, academic goals etc. you go family you have extended as well, and financial in a circumstance. and than friends can also be relationships in a sense, or social life. whatever you like to put it. when your fucked in all three, than you have the right to say life is shit. (:


you know whats sad, when people say they're bored and your expected to do something about it. whats even sadder is im consciously thinking that and not wanting to say it because i dont expect people to do something about it, well subconsciously i probably do, thats another sad thing, anyways that makes it sad overall! :\

people are forced to resort to luck, wishes in a sense. 11:11, shooting stars. again sadly, im one of those people. holding on to that little bit of false hope but hey, if it makes me that little bit happier, or gives me a sense of satisfaction, than its a good thing. but if it doesn't because im thinking that it won't ever come true, than im not sure if its a good or bad thing. x) okay, im gonna end this before i start writing about things id rather not write about.

people overcome lots of adversity in life and define themselves by defeating those adversities, but sometimes its just hard to accept [:
for example,

• you're getting old
• you're not going to see them again
• you cant be friends anymore
• you cant do it
• you're not how you wanted to be

english is a strange language. one sentence can be taken so many different ways, theres a beauty to that. today i was sitting in english class with four other people as everyone was practicing getting awards for presentation day tomorrow and this one kid just starts argueing with the teachers about those things i talk about when my mind starts blanking, its nice to see other people do it for once. they started talking about wikileaks with their differing opinions which sounded so much better than my arguements when im talking about random shit like that :L

look up, is it a bird, is it a plane? oh no thats lame. (: harharhar... by the way, thats a sarcastic laugh for those who can't understand my brilliant 140+wpm typing skills. i guess that has more to do with english, people always bring up random comebacks etc which have nothing to do with what you just insulted them with, anyone realise that!

theres lots of thing i want to do, still want to do and wanted to do. sometimes its too late to do things no matter how much you hope for it but its okay! [: theres always new things to look forward to but you have to work to make them happen. nothing just comes to you, unless you want to take that literally and say oh well i chuck a boomerang and it comes back to me or something.. OK ill stop with that. haha. (:


im really lost about what to blog recently, no sudden bursts of inspiration when you have to study you know. i just had my 2unit maths test today, it was SO hard. omg. this f(x) question you had to like draw the f'(x) chart of the blah blah blah. im messing with you x) im not that stupid. i probably got like 95% but i think i got 100%. hopefully i get 100% in one test before the end of school, even though it doesnt count. i have 3 unit test on monday, i just have to think about it like this. in a week and a half NO MORE EXAMS :D and on a happy road to summer holidays. working hard cameron! have to nerd it out, try not to procrastinate like ive been doing the last 3-4 hours [:

i woke up today to people telling me theres going to be world war III because of north korea/south korea. whats wrong with korean people... :\ i love korean people D: although i must admit i don't know any north koreans. well not any that would admit they're not korean. haha. and again i must admit, i couldnt help but think of code geass and how cool it would be to have powers like that ._. pity its impossible literally. :\ hitting someone when they're down :o ouch.

its amazing how no matter how many times you talk to a person first on msn, or sometimes even in real life, they won't talk back to you first. you always have to be the one to open up that conversation, even though your doing homework and have your status on available, your still that one opening the conversation. maybe people really don't like talking. haha. [: another night without anyone talking to me, reminds me of the holidays a while back where i was on the computer almost 24/7 and i didn't get anyone talking to me not even a hi, or give me the answers or play a game with me for almost a week. its amazing [: sometimes you just give up!

on a side note, cravings for the unimaginable have been creeping back into my life. (:

when i say 'don't worry im use to it.' i mean it.

do you ever have those times when you think your missing out on something? :\ every minute you spend doing nothing, every minute you wonder what the fuck am i doing? everytime that happens i think of everything im probably missing out on, its pain wrenching if thats even something but it happens and theres not much you can do about it. sometimes your just not included. sometimes your forgotten. sometimes you can't do it and sometimes they just dont want you there.


no matter what happens you have to face easy and hard times, how you get through the hard times determines what sort of person you are. :s just bare through it, even if nobody notices, which sometimes can be the hardest part, bare through it. (:

i never really understood what was actual friendship. i never known what a true friend is but now i think i know, truly understand. i always had this fake, idea of a friend. picture perfect as it may be. but thats not what you have to have from a friend.
a friend is someone who would stand up for you, have your back, take a hit for you without regrets. someone you know you can trust, you know the boundaries in which you can trust them determine the level of friendship, and just in general how much you can rely on them. they don't always have to be by your side, go out with you whenever you want, but they're there for you when you need it. i give myself out too openly, trust people who don't deserve to be trusted, but thats what makes me different.


i dont know what it is but sometimes theres just times where i cant stand seeing a friend hurt, even if i don't know them that well i am willing to stand up for them. and i just want to lash out at something. the circumstance will come one day, and when it does, i have their back. [:
sure theres people who wouldnt believe a word of what i say and most of the above only applies to guys. i don't have any girls who id feel that way about. :\ sure if someone was attacking them id protect them, but not out of the same obligation. i just felt i had to say that (: back to attempting to study hard!

cameron got a haircut, and for those who dont believe i cut anything off. think again, and yes i know my hair was messy in the first one but i sort of just had a shower. bite me for it...


im messing with you, i don't like posting pictures of myself but i have nothing better to do sometimes. i don't like seeing my face so your never going to get a front view photo. bite me for it again. im messing with you again (:
but seriously, its a lot shorter. joy to the world. nah, i just had to cut it before summer holidays because if i got it cut during summer holidays it wouldnt have time to grow a bit cus my hair always looks funny after a haircut. most times really, just cant help it [:

anyways, you met my twin cousin? aren't we cute posers. im messing with you again. isn't this fun. personally i like the one on the right better, he looks a bit thinner.


nah, we like making love. i have no idea why im so white here. my webcammax isn't working properly, its sort of unregistered itself, and i cant be bothered finding a new keygen. [:


umm, i have no idea why my writing suddenly turned to bold font but i'll just go with it. yeah, this is the only time you'll see me, treasure it. hahha.... no cameron. i really have nothing better to do. i really should study but i really have a fuck the world mentality at the moment. everythings messed up. not one thing goes my way, and when that happens to you, whats the easiest thing to do? turn around and pretend it never happened. thats what im doing, and theres nothing else to it. tomorrow i get to go to sushi samurai and eat some expensive japanese food wasting my parents money once again. (:

i really haven't made anything out of my life these last few weeks, its just been dragging on. some things i thought were ages ago, turn out to be a few weeks ago, some things i think are soon, are ages away. its just how things turn out to be. :\ my ipod totally fucked up, the screen like burnt or something, i dont know, it was in my pocket and i took it out to play and the screens messed up. thanks apple. i was getting a new one anyway i guess :s
i really do say i guess, anyway, too much but no one cares! -smileyface.
i need some brightness in my life, boom, break out of this dull fortress. hehh. not going to happen anytime soon. hope i do well in my exams, i got to get to it from tomorrow onwards.

oh. and i just got reminded, you know when people say just kidding/jokes or anything along those lines, the tv show i was watching last night said that when people say that 50% of the time they're just saying the truth or what they want to say and add just kidding/jokes to cover up so they're not left vulnerable. thats completely true. :\ thats the sad thing. the statistics are probably pulled out of thin air, its actually probably more than that. i realised i say things like that sometimes. (: its breaks the tension.

teen depression
yeah, depression is a real disorder. (Y) if you didn't notice that was sarcasm. if your not missing an extra chromosome, if your not physically unable to do something due to a problem with your body that is a disorder but depression is a state of mind what a joke. had a mufti day on friday for it, they expect me to give money for that and than the chemistry teacher goes on crying about it, its pathetic. it is a state of mind, everyone gets down every now and than, depression is just a state of mind where you isolate yourself and force yourself into that depressed state, its not a disorder. go get help? talk to friends? its seriously a joke to me, they just don't understand do they.
everythings just dull. thats the only word i can think of these days. the weathers dull, and the rain isn't even real rain. i have to go through the same crappy routine cycle week after week:
monday : - school - basketball training.
tuesday : - school -
wednesday: - school - sport -
thursday: - school - basketball game.
friday: - school - go to my brothers basketball game.
saturday: -work which i fucking hate but my mum won't let me quit which is even more pathetic-
sunday: -tutor -
and than it all goes back into the same cycle. sure theres variations occassionally but its all the same, eat, sleep, study, thats all that i got. if you just kick off work on saturday, my life would be complete, i could actually get time to do proper study, perhaps even sleep in one day.



expectations
im completely over expectations. expectations in everything, not academically mainly. im just.. urgh. im not even going to finish this post. x) expectations that talking with people will help. expectations that theres nothing wrong. its too much.

drama&anime.
people watch drama and anime to allow themselves to reflect upon certain morals and ethics that they themselves don't understand completely. it allows them to see life and its experiences from a wider point of view. each scene linked together by the characters, storyline and music allows me to emphathise with it and what makes a drama/anime is when it can arouse feelings of happiness or sorrow and allows me to change my perspectives on things for better or worse.

personally, it has helped me develop as a person and realise that somethings aren't as bad as they seem, once seem dramatically everything seems to have toned done a notch, nothing hurts as bad, and thats what matters. when i hear those OSTs from whichever thing ive watched, i dont think of it as music it links me back to that drama/anime and with it those memories and emotions which come with it.

that heightened sense of emotion gives me that motivation to go on with each day, through the bullshit of school and the 'friends' that come with it, the bullshit by the teachers, one of them said today 'sorry cameron, i couldnt go out to the everybody hates cameron concert, they were sold out of tickets.' each day gets worse and worse. even now my beloved basketball has been dying on me, these random kids from our year come and expect that they can just play basketball with us whenever they want, i swear im becoming more violent each day too :\ i cant even play my favourite sport with people which don't hit you in the face when you play. thats school for you!

if you don't like reading long winded personal posts on whatever the fuck is going through my mind at the moment don't read below. theres no pictures to describe any of this :\ ill just put a video: this song always makes me think, thats the best thing about anime and drama. it allows me to see things from different perspectives, pity i havent watched any in ages. don't have that much time. the rest of this is going to just be a chunk of text.



ive always had insecurities about myself, whatever actions im doing and i think i'll start this with an actual list about everything i dislike about myself. once you can accept you can move on. thats the starting point. im going to be completely open about everything, honestly (and yes i use this word a lot, its not that im not always honest its just that if i dont people think im joking? seriously, whatever word you want to use, but i just notice i use it a lot,) i dont care how people judge me, i dont judge others harshly and i try to see the best in most people but theres always those people which i see them and i dont even want to know them, and most others once i meet them once my impression on them will barely change, thats just how it is.

its probably easier in bullet points: they'll be extended though. all this thought i had stored up in my head but i think its time to put it down to the best of my abilities anyway because last night someone made me realise how messed up i am, i dont judge that person on what they did, and in my opinion i deserved worse than what i had coming to me and they got me at the lowest of my low. i dont know how else to put it in words.
what i dislike about myself.

• this first point is to someone they know who they are. you are truly a bestie :\ i don't know how else to say it. you caught me at the worst possible point, this is where i was up to. i know you'll be there for me and im sorry if i hurt you in anyway, this is what im going to reflect on through this.
• this second point goes to my indecisiveness, ive said it before but now i truly know how messed up my head is. i can never think of the right thing to say, especially face to face, it hurts because everytime im forced to talk to people face to face i feel as if they're judging me and each little thing i do is there, especially with girls, sometimes with guys too though. i look back on things after and than just think how i couldve changed it despite knowing its too late, on the things i regret.
• i am selfconscious. i know i might sound like a dick right now but i dont like any aspect of myself. right now i cant even find one. ill go from head to toe, my hair, i hate how white it is. when my hairs not straightened when its this long it looks like a piece of shit honestly, i hate it, i hate how poofy it feels after i shampoo it and how messed up it goes from heat damage and just how crappy my hair is. i highly doubt any shampoos going to reduce that frizz when i shampoo it, it seriously messes up my hair. sure after i put in all that effort on some days it can look nice in my opinion but most of the days its just messed up, if it even gets wet than its screwed, if i play basketball at lunch and i sweat too much, yes its disgusting i dont sweat overly unless im playing really hard but its a bitch. it gets me all wet and ruins my hair. thats a con of being white once again. i dont like any white aspect of me. i use to think my height was a good thing, but no, im not that tall. im 183cm, 6"0 thats taller than the average guy but im not huge. sure compared to most of the people in my school im taller than most of them, but they're asian and im white. genetically im meant to be taller, its not always a good thing. the other day i hit my head on the roof of the bus and it bloody hurt, people are always saying 'oh your so tall', its not a compliment. i wish i was asian. it would make everything easier, i can't even speak chinese. i love my dad, and its not him that im hating, its being white. sure people say oh halfies are either hot or ugly. thats another stereotype, i hate being stereotyped. why can't we just be normal? next down is my brain, sure im 'smart' im at north sydney boys, but that doesnt mean anything. i wish i was at ruse if i had to go to a selective school. first of all its co-ed, which would get me over my inability to socialise at any normal level , ill get back to that. im not smarter than any of the people, i study hard when i need to and it doesnt pay off for me because im just not smart enough. people expect me to do well, but i cant live up to those expectations. there is no potential. next is just the rest of my body, whatever. once again im white, i fucking hate so much, despise that my skin isnt nice. i have freckles everywhere i can see. dot here, dot there, dots there. im hairer too, i got bloody hair everywhere. fuck being white. im starting to get facial hair which is a bitch to get rid of and to top it off look at my brother, his bloody hairless. how i envy that. :\ i got the worse side of the genes. his skin is more definitive than mine too.
  
• point four, everything gets to me now, the person who was talking with me last night whos the basis of this blog said i have a bad reputation, im not modest about my situation with girls and that im a flirtatious fucker who nobody wants to see to put it simply. ill go back to when i was younger. my childhood was seriously fucked up, you have no fucking idea and im not about to tell you that but it probably impacted on how i am now. i turned into a massive gamer and just spent like most of my childhood playing games to take my mind off anything, everything. it was like escaping from this world, but now i dont have the time to play around and im more knowledgeable, the con of being older. i dont like my age either, i missed out on everything, going to an asian church, playing in a proper basketball league at least reps. its too late for that, and that pisses me off. anyways from year 7 onwards til around year 10-the start of this year i was antisocial. anyone who knows me properly can vouch for that. i barely ever went out with friends, probably went to outings maybe 3 times up until year 10. and that goes on to friends. i mixed up with the guys which played basketball, the ones which i grew to like and be friends with i dont know if i can trust them anymore. honestly in my school there is only two guys who i would trust completely. thats now how friends work, friends dont fucking backstab you in the back, i put my trust in all of them, they hanged with me before and after they become a bunch of fucking tbs, but its just now i realise how they ostracize me. they quit basketball in year 9-10 and thats just how it is. they allow new kids to be their friends, people who havent been with them never betrayed them from year 7, ive been completely open with them and still am if they ever ask my opinion or anything about me . but apparently i can tell from their actions towards me now, it was all a lie. i see how they bitch about people when they dont hear people, but i didnt think they would do it to me which obviously they have because according to the person yesterday, 'im not completely modest about my situation with girls according to guy friends too.' that is the biggest bit of bullshit i have ever heard. first of all, none of the guys ever give two shits about any of my relationships with girls and have never asked me anything about it. theres one guy who i sort of opened up to, but he honestly didnt get a shit and even then i was being completely honest. i have no idea where they heard that from, even with girls im completely honest. they said im 'flirtatious', and i lead people on practically. no im not, is it wrong to have friends which are female? just because im at a male school doesn't change anything, in fact it makes it more important for me. does every word i say to a girl mean that i like them in a relationship sort of way? no. i can't be nice to a girl without flirting with her? even when people compliment me, i secretly smile sometimes its bloody awkward, but when someone compliments you you light up inside unless they're just fucking with your head. anyways, if a girl has complimented me overly, that counts as flirting? or they like me? not always. but than there is that limit when you realise that they like you, did i ever show any feelings back? no i don't call you cute back because im not attracted to you in that way. you can always tell that difference. thats whats important. anyways back to these friends, they're all i have stuck at this school in my final year. they're all that links me to the outside world. i was locked up in my own antisocial world until basically last holidays, started with nsg social where i met a few people after, than it went to going out with other people. and to be honest, im almost never happy but the few times i am happy is when im out with people doing whatever the hell it is they're doing but just being with others and having fun, even when its just bumming it makes me happy, i get home wishing i was back there, that is when i know i had a good time. im starting to lose track of what im saying and my heads spinning but im not stopping until ive said everything. last night i had a dream where i was .. actually thats not relevant. but does anyone get what im saying? you probably haven't even read this, i know when i see a chunk of text i have a hard time reading it unless its someone i care about or want to get to know. :\ well i just had to prove a point there, i like winning even if its a self given satisfaction knowing that i proved myself right whether the other person knows or not. :]
  
• my clothes, i have no proper going out clothes. why do i even care about that, i need to go shopping. its my birthday in two days, who gives a shit if anyone cares honestly i think your birthdays just another day but it gives you an excuse to go out with friends not that i have a group of friends which actually want to go out dedicated to my birthday, that hurts a bit but thats just how it is. every birthday i have is just another messed up day for me in my life.
• going back to appearance sort of. people use to call me lanky, im not that thin. when i was young i use to be overweight, i shot up and it stretched me out, i started exercising even more, and metabolism kicked in or something but i dont have that fast metabolism. although i may look thin im disgusted. no matter how much effort i put into anything it just wont pay off. not making sense here.. ill just skip to something else.

thats about all i have to say which i can think of the moment on myself. next ill just go to something id like to say. i am sick of this bullshit, everyday people are going around acting like they're the fucking topshit, whether they actually are like the president or whether they're some school kid who thinks his some gangster shit it makes no fucking difference. sure you can kill me and go to jail for the rest of your life but would that give you any long term satisfaction about what a piece of shit you really are. people can be scum. some people are born like that, some people grow up to be like that and its just as my friend said sometimes they need to be taught a lesson. whether hitting them or doing anything to them will show them how to respect other people, it needs to be done but its against the law and thats what rules over this messed up world. sometimes i just get that urge to want to actually beat the fucking shit out of some people, i know i sound just like the people im talking about here but its what matters to me and what comes out of it that matters. its never going to happen, these people are just going to wander around further messing up our world and causing people to be messed up in so many ways. :\ alright im completely lost in what im saying again. ill just say one more thing.

i care about what other people think of me but in the end i want a better life for myself and those people around me. im not going to give my life to helping some indian children be able to live, thats their problem. im born up in this society, and although im christian i have a different perspective than the majority of them. selective so to say, and thats just how i think. people think differently, act differently and not everythings always going to go your way, no ones perfect and you just have to deal with it. i probably didnt get everything i wanted to say out but thats all im going to say.

if you have anything to say and don't want to say it on my blog you can always use my formspring, thats what its there for. anonymous hate.

okay i just attempted to make a tumblr and im hopeless at it (:
cameron's tumblr.
if anyone knows where im meant to find a proper theme link me in chatbox please. D:

change.

i saw someone ask me about this on formspring a while ago and than someone asked a friend the same question and ive been trying to wrap my head around some concepts for a bit so i think i'll talk about change, get some things out there instead of my one line blogs which should be saved for tumblr. haha. :D i need to get a tumblr.

i think that change is inevitable over time, especially when your growing up, nobody stays the same forever. they're exposed to the harshness of reality!

in particular for this friend, i don't know him very well but i would believe it when he says he hasn't changed, he looks like that kind of person and when i first met him he was really nice (: people always judge others off various things from how they look, how they act, their friends etc. its undeniable that anyone who reads this has not thought about at least one of those things when thinking about a person. its just human nature, like the need to belong LOL. omg. belonging D: haha. but really, think about it.
people put on persona's for certain things occassionally, but they're still the same person.
people may not be thinking straight and say things they regret, but they're still the same person.
people may change, but they're still the same person.
they're core values, integrity and moral/ethic values are still in ground in them, even when you haven't seen someone for a long time, can't recognise them, they're still the same person okay! get it into your head, you can tell from looking at a person whether they've changed or not. some of it comes with growing up, some of it from surrounding factors but you can still tell, if they pass that definite line, they've changed. get it? x) probably dont . haha.


sometimes theres certain things you can't get over, can't get past. for me, i am indecisive thats a fact and will never change. i am never sure about anything i do, even to the simplest maths questions. i can never make a decision about everything, its going to haunt me for the rest of my life. whether im a little kid, or whether i am where i am now. you ask me things in different views such as little kid, what do you like better, this or that? (crayons or something), me now, what do you like better, this or that? (anything relevant) i'll still be unsure.
i have problems committing; myself to one idea.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:13

its true, its hard to find true friends, ones who you can trust without a doubt, not even ones, just one would be enough. to have one true friend is all that one can ask for in this world, but the willingness to give yourself openly to another, sacrifice yourself is what it takes to be a true friend. i trust in myself, trust in others but sometimes as life goes after constant betrayals of trust you find it hard to find confidence in things, you make way to new friends let them in, break your heart again. i can love friends, its not refined to some small clinical ideal like partnership love. its just another concept. the friends that i believe in are the ones who i can trust, i know some friends i can trust for certain things, others with others, however there is still none who i can trust completely thats just how it works!
i wish that god would talk to me and just give me that answers, thats what we all hope for.

what are you doing cameron, get your mind thinking straight (:

i hate it when you drop something and it goes so far away you can't reach it without moving, or even worse you can't find it!

i haven't posted for over a week, anyone miss me? haha. :D
alrights, procrastinating doing my work because ive finally hit year 12, i should change anything which says year 11 but im not that bothered :\ i need to put effort into my work! i got everything organised and now.. uh. i really can't be bothered to write anything with no inspiration, just thought i should let somebody who might read this know that im not dead. LOL. IM NOT MR. RANDOM :D i got a piano exam on saturday and granny smith festival after, looking forward to it. x) its the only thing this term which might keep me sane, pity its not halfway through, im going to breakdown around exam time. (:
i think im learning to control myself better, not let out my emotions you know!

don't you hate how some things grow on you, little by little and other things just die away? its good in some ways, bad in others. this applies for almost everything, people included but sometimes theres people you just dont like from the start, and they can neither grow nor die at all. for example, i have a couple of friends, well quite a few actually that would talk with me, act friendly and all, be actually friendly, back me up on things like a good friend should but than turn around and they're going out to places not just little things and don't even invite me out? its not like im confined home or anything, i do go out too. but still, that sort of shits painful.

when talking about things with other people you can break it down, theres things you can talk about with anyone, things you can talk about with friends, things you can talk about with people you just meet, things you can talk about guy to guy etc. you just need to judge that.

i had the best day yesterday, and the night before. met some awesome people and had the time of my life ~ haha. :D took me ages to get back home though, its not fun waiting on the station for ages without anything to do esp when your phones dead, cant even text!

hoping the rest of my holidays is as fun, but probably won't be, not doing too much. x) on to year 12 !



this just made me laugh, yao ming at the end says 'don't fuck with me' LOL. OMG HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHA. its yao ming. (Y)

hey rico LOL. :D omgosh, the highlight of my shortlived dunking life. haha. (:
i took my brother to basketball yesterday yeah, and than coaching basketball blah blah, and at the end of the game, or half time, can't remember, think it was end of the game, everyone was like shooting around and than i was like, -try to dunk as usual its just when i see a ring, i feel the need to jump :D you probably don't understand, anyways it was there right and boom. and i look down, and everyones like are you okay rico? LOL. and im like huh. -looks around. and his on the floor. i knocked him down, uh. welcome to the poster rico yan. ahhhahahaha. that probably didn't make much sense but i just had to say it.


okay. HOLIDAYS NOW :D -celebration time come on ~ my mum called me fat today, she said i was putting on weight.. haha. D: not cool. looks like i should cut down right? (:
time to have fun!

thursday night ^ 16/9
had nsg social, wasn't too bad. they made us come early and had to freeze on the side of the wharf til we got on the boat. better off than other people in their bloody dresses haha. :D there were lots of asians which made the night all the much better. got on the boat pretty early, they queued the line for ages. miltu tried to jump onto the wharf thingy LOL. idiot. they let him on either way though. than they started pumping all this shit ass music, it just got worse and worse. the DJ wasn't even DJing? its not a DJ, was just him playing crap music so loud and no one could talk properly and it was too cold to go outside. there was just a mosh up the front with a couple of people showing up their skills... oh wait its nsb, what skills. some other guys from other schools were aite. yeah, met a couple of people. after it ended trekked up to town hall and went hotel for afters. yay... :D
monday night ^ 20/9
had chelt social, was alright. i walked down to the wrong social when i saw people, than i saw a friend and knew he was going burwood one and im just thinking... uhh, yeah, i know where i am. than trekked down a bit and got to the right place eventually. met some more people, than went inside eventually after an even longer wait.. yay again. (: the place was tiny and i thought someone might take my jacket so yeah, carried it around half the night til i couldn't be bothered and dumped it on the waiters table thing (Y) it was an even bigger mosh because thats all it was, no room to talk not that anyone seemed to want to. maybe i just wasn't in the middle of standing in the middle of 50 retarded white/curry people and moshing. maybe its just me ^.^ walked around a bit after than home.

yeah, all this weeks been like down. schools been a bitch, i didn't do great on my tests and i get beaten by people who don't even study or listen all year round. don't know why i bother. :\
everythings like not fun either, i still don't have a fun game to play, no more movies/dramas i can be bothered to watch anymore so yup! fml. i hate that phrase but sometimes its spot on. :L when you just have those fml moments. my bodys been aching all week esp my right shoulder. more yay. :D
perhaps im self conscious, but i have a right to be alright. all these pictures i feel like a bloody retard, want to untag all of them except the one where im black. best photo by far. :D dp material. just been sitting here feeling pretty useless..

i have no idea what to blog about. if anyone got an idea, post it in the comment box and i'll say something about it if you want. otherwise i'll just post when i get inspiration to.

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i have no idea what to blog about but i'll just wing it ~ my exams are finally over, yayy :D last one was chemistry, and i got my maths back today and made 4u maths :\ didn't get a great mark though. but just means i'll have to put in more effort next year! year 12, gosh, it actually feels like ages, i was just a little kid before, oh look at me im a year 7 going to my peer support sessions, and just learning to play basketball. :( -disappointment. haha. alright cutting back on the emoticons. someone told me because i use so many emoticons it makes it look like im cheesing with people, thats not cool okay. ^.^

last night i had a nightmare oh my gosh! its closer to a dream i guess so its progress. it wasn't really that scary, but i screamed out loud when i woke up. than went back to sleep. -thinks. oh yeah.

starcraft II isn't that great! don't know what everyones on about, first of all its a micro game, the graphics aren't that great and you have to pay to play it properly. wheres the fun in that? something wrong with people, and on that topic i don't have a proper game to play, its so frustrating. sure its nice talking to people on msn, but i end up just browsing facebook/blog/formspring. clicking between the tabs at the top of my screen over and over and over and over with nothing new! just need something refreshing esp with holidays coming up but exams over, hehe. i was so happy yesterday for some reason. lasted about 40 min. :L

um. i have nsg social tomorrow and cheltenham on monday, should be fun although im missing out on my bball game. :\ i really don't have that many games left, have to try and make the best of it. they have new rings at our school but they're like rounded at the bottom and than have like a straight piece going up like.. urgh. like thin yeah? ALRIGHT. LOL. its like a circle with a line going up from the top of the middle. easier to picture? and than shaped like that. i should be able to dunk on it, but i seriously can't palm the ball and i don't want to hurt myself. :(

my ipods not big enough! -dislike. only 4gb, had to delete actually like 200-300 songs. oh well :\ i still haven't downloaded songs for a while. sometimes you need change.


after my english speech i went to play super smash brothers nintendo64 on my friends laptop OMGLOL. (: brings back memories. pikachus still as cute as ever. :3 bahha.


still something about these korean singers i can't get over :\ so pretty. honestly kim hyun joong and CL thats unfair.

you kept me going again dwight howard. (:

ive been studying like the good boy i am, well not particularly hard. :L you know its hard to gather motivation in times like these you know?
want the good news or the bad news or just my rant first? (: no answer? D: leave me hanging here people, nah. i'll go... bad news first. most people like a happy ending right? (:

i'm almost crying for my friend D: they had to cut off 30cm of her beautiful hair. 30cm. 30cm. do i need to say it again. 30cm. thats all ill say for it. :\
anyways, more bad news ! yipee. :x i lost both basketball games, and im a bloody 2 point scoring magnet. scored 2 points in the first game against randwick which we lost 52-39 and 0 and fouled off in third quarter against shore 91-46. people which blame the refs are.. and i know im not meant to argue with people stupider than me so . D: but sometimes it just gets to you, you know? to be honest, i almost fucking cried again when i came off on that last foul. it was the most bullshit call i have ever been called for. i was boxing out someone, and than some other guy just freaking jumps from no where i didn't even see him, he like jumps on my back punches it or something and than goes slams on the floor. i wasn't even moving. and i get a foul for what?... anymore bad news.. uhh. i screwed up in japanese speaking! :L and english creative, or did i already say that... probably did (:
i have lost my motivation to play basketball competitively, there are just too many people out there better than me, i can't carry my training practice into a competitive situation, i practice a lot, it keeps me happy and calm and when im in a rhythm everything goes down for me, i get into a game, can't drop one ball in the ring. not even one. i just have to face reality, im not even good enough to make it into a division one team, i can't jump, i can't dribble, i can't shoot and i can't rebound. what use is there for someone. i'm not even average in it all now, i swear, you put me up against some guy my height who hasn't played anywhere near as much he'll school me, all i got is my height, people keep saying that and i was denying it, but look , i go verse people taller than me, and obviously the way they play, when im feeling good im better than that, but i can't even outplay somebody else my height? i'm also too thin. they're all tanker than me, tank, tank tank tank everywhere i look is a huge white guy, asian guy, black guy. everywhere. i'm not made to get big.

okay. onto side fringes. :D yay, the side fringe. its elegance and infallibility is proven in such characters as every single pretty person out there. (: haha. nah, non side fringes can look okay too, depending. but i think i have an infatuation with them. sometimes i just look at someone and go... they would look 10x better with a side fringe. i've seen lots, been through lots, and definently so much nicer. :L i remember when i was little boy, my parents were like omg. gel your hair up like your cousin its so much cooler. UH NO. LOL. don't think i ever did, never will. haha. never waxed my hair in my life, and gels worse than wax. D: get out of here. my cousin is embarassing sometimes, i find it amusing when people with really short hair with no style to it whatsoever try to do something to it, or people with the ugliest hair try to do something, for example some ugly stupid prick of a white kid tried to copy some other guy and dye his hair blue... honestly.... honestly. some people i just look at and they make me sick but honestly.. i don't want to see his face for the next.. -counts fingers, not enough fingers - counts toes, not enough toes, can i borrow your fingers? your toes? everyone in the whole worlds fingers and toes? NOT ENOUGH. yiuearyhoeag. bleurgh. icky. anyways, ever say something and wonder why did i just say that.. :\ more than likely yes. :L happens to me almost everyday, things just pop out of my mouth that i regret, more regret piles up like a stinking lump of compost. LOL. what a bad example but its first which came to mind which wasn't rude because i'm attempting to reduce swearing. ^.^ there are just some things, those little things that just make you smile yeah? :L even when my day was feeling like crap, i came back and looked at some photos, watched some drama and everythings okay. its okay. 괜찮아요

good news.. its not really good news, my piano exams moved back to sometime in october. i have to practice more now (:

The most beautiful encounters are like those with handkerchiefs, They wipe away your sweat when you're tired, and your tears when you're sad.

ngah ngah. (:

i don't think i'll make this post too colourful. sometimes its hard to read yeah. anyways, i have sort of a little break inbetween exams, my next proper ones not til monday, and i can afford to take a little break now. (: exams go from 1st - 14th, effort but i'll live. piano exam on the 11th too, hopefully i'll pass and thats all my academic etc stuff done. :L

you know, have you ever just stopped, sat down somewhere and wondered what another person's doing, thinking? you can never really tell without seeing them, even when you see other people sometimes you can't understand whats going through their head. some people, in certain situations you can tell what they're most likely reactions going to be, but nothing 100% certain. facebook, yes i am referring to facebook, some of those groups are true, sometimes they're so true i have to comment on them :L last one i could think of is being able to sit with your best friend in silence without it being awkward. honestly, i long for a day like that. :\
do you ever think about people which you don't see on a regular basis, not just of the opposite gender, for example i thought i had a good friend at one point but he changed school and now we don't talk at all, ive lost two friends to ruse now. (: the other one, even though i didn't know him that well, he was a great guy.. and right at the end of the year before he left we got to know each other a bit more, yeah we went up together on the year 10 camp bus, and even talked on msn a bit too. which is quite a big thing, most of the time guys don't talk to people of the opposite gender over msn. :\ usually... maybe i'm just stereotyping there, i'm sure some girls talk to their best friends over msn, most guys wouldn't though.. urgh. maybe its just me . who knows. ive been talking to my friends brother over msn, don't think its weird! haha. i'm not some pedophile, its ok, his in year 9 and i played a couple of online games with him. (: i miss those days, seriously. carefree holidays where i could just sit at the computer playing games which completely took my mind off the world, they helped me calm down a little from the roughness of life. :x i think i said this before quite a few times but apparently according to an mX article i read ages ago people which play first person games have more control over their dreams. somebody was trying to argue with me you can't die in a dream.. this isn't inception! anyways, i swear you can, i just respawn like a game :\ or start over in some new place. but i haven't dreamed, not one i can remember for a long long time. its the lack of games. i'm not as enthusiastic, motivated as i use to be. it made me happy and i long for that happiness again x) quite sad isnt it. craving to play online games.. i haven't touched one in months. people say its sad being game addicted, well perhaps it is but the only sad thing is not being able to play. D:

shall i think of another topic? hehh. -thinks. oh yeah i was going to blog about a few of the things my english coaching teacher made me think about, it sort of made me want to do extension english topic navigating the global but if i did do extension english id be doing crime fiction.. my schools lack of choice :\ better than japan though, either way im bad at english. well we were discussing, well pretty much he was discussing how technology has changed our lives, in a more complex view than that, the mobile phone, the internet it allows us to develop and strengthen our stronger ties with friends/family etc. but because of it we have less room for weaker ties with strangers not complete ones, like.. that guy you see every morning and you nod and after some time you'd start saying hi or something. do we need that? i don't think we do. but than he also was talking about how theres less face to face time despite skype... gosh his lame :L well, its true, you get talking about more 'random' things when you talk for a longer time with people, more colloquial and than he started talking about fake smiles... more or less he was trying to say, he always tries to boast about his ex wives and girlfriends and his $1350 shoes. anyways, he was spot on for it ._. fake smiles. nobody sees those genuine smiles anymore, they're hard to see. want to see.


my rooms incredibly brighter now :D put in new lights and it probably increased the light by 3x and it uses less energy, how convenient! haha. :3 love these new lightbulbs, it keeps me awake longer too i think. i've been worrying about a lot of things but i won't blog about them. x) some things need to stay personal.
i have a fascination and envy about how good looking some korean guys :\ wish someone would just pick my clothes for me too, need a stylist. :L maybe if i become rich some day. lee jun ki, kim sang bum, kim hyun joong everyone :x they just have this thing to them, like some girls do, it just makes them attractive.. i'd do anything to look like that. :s guess not everyones blessed.

13 days til happiness. x)

cameron woke up this morning and thought 'i really should blog about something more interesting than 5.2k+ word recounts on what i did, nobody really pays attention to that sort of stuff. they wouldn't even bother reading it they'd go , why the hell did this guy write so much! :L'
haha, i also woke up and thought that 'i should try to brighten up my blog with more colours in my texts, maybe more picture breaks that sort of stuff yeah, big blocks of text need too much imagination!' but that wasn't really what i thought when i woke up, i was thinking 'why do i have to get up , urghhh.' :L haha. did that help at all? not really. hehh. and theres nothing wrong with pink, don't hate on it.
than i thought about brainstorming what i should write about and i think i'll write about a few things, making up for all my blogposts inbetween i missed. :D
cameron's brainstorm list:

• likes/dislikes
• dreams/reality
• music?
  

and now i'm just sort of lost, i have no idea what to write about!
thought maybe i should do a poll about whether i should stop using all these emoticons in the middle of my blog, whether i should try to layout it more a bit etc etc. but i realised i don't know how to poll. so i asked my good friend google. :D

thought i should split this up into a couple of subheadings. (: gosh the word like looks strange. i'll write it in japanese.