redemption.

locked on this song. it hits deep. the m/v could be better though.

facebook is misleading. 

friends. dictionary says it is a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations. i feel like its somebody that i would talk with and hang out but not exclusively with them unless a random situation called upon it. 

i think the majority of people on facebook are acquaintances rather than friends. the majority of the people on my facebook already got cleared. ive deleted over 600 people. the ones left are people that i would nod or say hello to if i walked past them. but isn't it better to have close friends.

close friends: somebody that i feel i can talk comfortably with without worrying about what they think about me or what i think of them.

best friends: somebody who you can trust and know will always be there for you when things are down, even if you fight and always has your back.

i feel like ive realised a lot of things about friendship as i grow older. the majority of friends, even close friends disappear from your life and fade back to friends or even acquaintances unless youre able to hang out or see them regularly. the majority of people wont go to the effort to keep you in their life and at some point close friends are just going to be friends and now i know that the people i used to talk comfortably with have become people that i wave at when i walk past, maybe make a brief comment 'where you off to?'...

the thing is though when you stop everything the only thing youre left with is best friends. if youre lucky enough to be in a relationship you have your partner. if youre lucky enough to have close friends at work, you have them. family even... no.

right now, when i need help the most theres nobody. there is stress from exams. there is only cold wrapping around me right now. that little bit of light i had is dimming.

long time no blog.

my life has been a real rollercoaster of ups and downs throughout the past year and a half. but really life is a rollercoaster of ups and downs. theres so many questions but theres never enough answers and if you keep seeking questions you're only damaging yourself until there comes the point where sometimes you don't need an answer. i've really changed in particular these past six months. everytime in my life i feel like i have a change i don't think that i'll be changing for any better because im at the point where i feel like im at my highest limit but everytime i think that something new comes through and makes me feel like ive changed again. but again, thats life and even though its a rollercoaster of ups and downs, i want to know that i'm able to fight and choose by myself where that rollercoaster is heading towards because in the end, if you can't make your own decisions and be confident in your own decisions, then you have nothing left to be confident in. one of my only rules in life is that when i make a serious decision, that i can't go back on it and that i'll never regret it and that has guided me and helped me be more direct in my life and direction is really important... more than you'd think. i can always aimlessly have thoughts, aimlessly go in a general direction, however when you're able to pinpoint that direction and know where you want to be thats when you'll start to really feel better about yourself. that pinpoint for me is in the distance, and i want to keep rising there.

somewhere, somehow along the way it came to a point where i can't live normally. i think when you love somebody so much that you can't be normal otherwise, when they're all you think about everyday, when you're content just being near them, looking at pictures of them and being able to talk to them then everything is perfect and there is no need for any other explanation or reasoning to not be with them. that feeling doesnt come around more than once in a lifetime so i will never give up.

i used to be naive, immature and ambitionless but this last year ive grown up when i thought i had already come to the point, ive changed for the better and am learning to become the best person because there is now a reason to. when you have a reason to do something, to fight for something, to change for someone, everything becomes easier and now i have to become the strongest pillar that will never crumble through good and bad times.

shaking and crying again. back to state one. all i need and want in my life is security and knowing that i can be happy being who i am with who i want to be with, but its not enough.

my biggest fear is that im not enough, but my worst fear is that knowing that im not enough to change my own future. to have a say in what i want in my life. knowing that no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try that its not enough to change the outcome of the future. knowing that i have zero say in what happens.

fear hurts, not knowing hurts, im hurting. when i think ive finally passed, something else pops up that just destroys me from the inside out. i try not to admit it but im really sensitive and i get hurt easily. there are points like this where i feel like my whole life i worked up to one point and when i finally reach the pinnacle i get thrown back ontop of a fucking spike. but im not quite there yet, im hovering over it hoping that i'll get caught before i get pierced but that feeling of getting pierced is looming in my head and im feeling the eptiome of hopelessness. my hope is dying. all my faith and love is unmovable.

even through the worst of times, and i mean the worst of times where you feel the worst you have ever felt in your life there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and once you emerge out of that tunnel and beat all the shit that was tying you down, clear off the junk off your back and leave it back in that tunnel, you're free and happy. i feel relieved in a way. i seriously had the worst time of my life. i brought it all on myself and i was just feeding into my own pit of sorrow and problems digging it deeper but in the end i got dragged out, when youre stuck in somewhere so long you really don't want to go out even if you know its a bad place. you know whats right and whats wrong but you feel like you didnt deserve anything good in this world. no, the reality is everyone deserves at least a bit of good in this world. everyone in this world makes mistakes, its natural but really, its cliche but what you do after the mistakes is what shows you what you are. some people avoid them, some people fight them but some people actively work to fix them and learn from their mistakes. im not saying theres a best way but i picked my best way. and with every trough comes a peak and my peak will continue rising til im dead as long as i have her in my life. its funny how all my imperfections and flaws can be looked over, how i thought i would really be stuck alone and isolated but in the end theres someone right for you. its never easy. life isn't easy. but its worth it. and i dont think i could be happier despite what else is going on in my life. just peaceful and calm. its something you really need to treasure.

my minds wandering and im not sure when its going to stop. i haven't been able to sleep much lately, its scary, this world it is. youre thrown into circumstances which you can't predict, youre stuck in circumstances you thought were okay and somethings always wrong. theres no perfection in this world, at least around me, im not asking for it, its just.. when youre not sure whats right and whats wrong, when you dont know where to go or what to do with yourself and youre just going on then i find it hard. im by myself a lot of the time. i really feel isolated when theres actually nobody to hold on to. i keep looking for something, somebody to grab and be able to lean on. i want to be happy with myself but im always scared of something. unsure of something else. and in the end i just feel alone with only one hope in the world.

im feeling really down and out of it today. i don't know whether it's the studying, lack or too much of this or that... i really don't know i keep trying to think clearly but everythings blurry to me at the moment. i know where i'm going in life and i'm happy with where i'm going but in this moment and everything around me in this moment feels empty and i feel like im going to break down if im not careful. not openly just alone at home late at night when nobody is around to care.

this last year ive changed a lot in a good way. last year i was at the stage where i didnt care about my life and was trying to find a reason but ended up following the stereotypes of what seemed to make people happy but it didnt. the only thing i miss is spending time with my friends with less cares than i have now.
as this year progressed, ive been going gym 5-6 days a week which is the only real progress or habit that has kept me going through this otherwise i think i would lose it. im really weak and i feel like all my close friends who i could talk openly and feel relaxed with have disappeared around me. ive made different good friends but that same type of friendship isn't there. there is no one around me in reality and nobody talks to me unless theres a reason and right now in this moment i just feel so weak and alone. i'll get by, maybe its exams :)

theres so many shallow people in this world, im feeling like theyre all trying to draw me into their sadistic world and im losing the patience for it. im sure of who i am but im sad of what the people around me are, have become and are becoming. sometimes i stop and feel blank about it all.

happiness can't last forever. i tried, i tried but there are some obstacles that won't let you. when you don't have family supporting you, i can keep trying still. when they are forcing me apart, i can keep trying. when it's hurting both of us, thats when it is over. the happiest six months of my life is gone just like that. and now i'm left with the worst feeling in the world. regret that i can't be with the only girl i ever loved. regret that i said things i shouldn't have. regret that i am stuck now in this pit of sorrow alone. completely alone. i dont want to live anymore. there is no reason.