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my minds wandering and im not sure when its going to stop. i haven't been able to sleep much lately, its scary, this world it is. youre thrown into circumstances which you can't predict, youre stuck in circumstances you thought were okay and somethings always wrong. theres no perfection in this world, at least around me, im not asking for it, its just.. when youre not sure whats right and whats wrong, when you dont know where to go or what to do with yourself and youre just going on then i find it hard. im by myself a lot of the time. i really feel isolated when theres actually nobody to hold on to. i keep looking for something, somebody to grab and be able to lean on. i want to be happy with myself but im always scared of something. unsure of something else. and in the end i just feel alone with only one hope in the world.
im feeling really down and out of it today. i don't know whether it's the studying, lack or too much of this or that... i really don't know i keep trying to think clearly but everythings blurry to me at the moment. i know where i'm going in life and i'm happy with where i'm going but in this moment and everything around me in this moment feels empty and i feel like im going to break down if im not careful. not openly just alone at home late at night when nobody is around to care.
this last year ive changed a lot in a good way. last year i was at the stage where i didnt care about my life and was trying to find a reason but ended up following the stereotypes of what seemed to make people happy but it didnt. the only thing i miss is spending time with my friends with less cares than i have now.
as this year progressed, ive been going gym 5-6 days a week which is the only real progress or habit that has kept me going through this otherwise i think i would lose it. im really weak and i feel like all my close friends who i could talk openly and feel relaxed with have disappeared around me. ive made different good friends but that same type of friendship isn't there. there is no one around me in reality and nobody talks to me unless theres a reason and right now in this moment i just feel so weak and alone. i'll get by, maybe its exams :)
theres so many shallow people in this world, im feeling like theyre all trying to draw me into their sadistic world and im losing the patience for it. im sure of who i am but im sad of what the people around me are, have become and are becoming. sometimes i stop and feel blank about it all.
happiness can't last forever. i tried, i tried but there are some obstacles that won't let you. when you don't have family supporting you, i can keep trying still. when they are forcing me apart, i can keep trying. when it's hurting both of us, thats when it is over. the happiest six months of my life is gone just like that. and now i'm left with the worst feeling in the world. regret that i can't be with the only girl i ever loved. regret that i said things i shouldn't have. regret that i am stuck now in this pit of sorrow alone. completely alone. i dont want to live anymore. there is no reason.
i always seem to keep trying. i tell myself never to give up but in my head i really dont care for many things i just keep telling myself that i care when i really dont but its come to the point that i do care about some things. one is my girlfriend at the moment. at first i didnt think it would last. then i kept trying. it pulled back and forth until i became content and now im in a happy caring stage. i never thought id be able to care about somebody other than myself and family until i came to this point in life and i finally can. i genuinely worry about every little aspect more than i care about myself to the point where i become paranoid sometimes... little things bug me and i always ignore them looking at the positives. and sometimes i know im being naive but i look the other way. relationships are compromise and i know i cant be overbearing but ive just become so happy and accustomed i feel content with my life and dont want to lose it so i put in my every effort. im not prepared to let it go now. ive come to that stage and im willing to fight for it if i have to because it means more than a first to me. i just pray to myself that the way i am now isnt going to lose me the things i hold dear... i just want to believe im the one.
since everyone thinks my blog is only about depressing posts i'll try and lighten up the scene some more. even through all the ups and downs of the last few months where i really only talk here about the downs, i've become a happier person in general i think as i've been maturing and growing up faster than expected. i'm at the point where i'm past all the immaturity and i really started to think more clearly than i used to and it's nicer. i feel happier and more confident about myself in general. before, i didn't really know what i wanted and i was always focused on trying to do what i'm supposed to do and what others expect from me but i gave up caring and do what i want to do rather than pretend to be someone im not. even though i used to be fine showing that fake side, its not who i am. id rather be true to myself right now than play someone else and as long as i have someone beside me, im okay. im happy and i wouldnt want it any other way.
i always put effort into the things i do when i feel its worth it and i sacrifice more than i get more often than not. im used to it that way, im used to being used and just following certain procedures and stereotypes but when you stop and really think if its what you want before you act. you change yourself. and when you find out whether you generally enjoy doing things then it makes things more worthwhile and lets you put more effort into them and willing to take further steps if that made any sense at all. i think people get caught up too much in stereotypes, they drag you down but you really need to think about what makes you happy personally as a person and then follow that because in the end your happiness is your own and your the one making the decisions for that. if youre happy doing nothing with your life. and if youre happy being a billionaire playboy. it doesnt matter, as long as youre happy. thats the difference. a happy person is a happy person. a sad person is a sad person. regardless of circumstance, you are yourself so make it happen (:
when you keep trying to create a sense of uniformity and simplicity into your life you're inevitably only going to hurt yourself. there is nothing simple about life and when you try to make it seem simple and not so bad, thats when youre throwing yourself into false hopes and you'll end up trashed, alone and lifeless. theres too much pain everywhere and from everything, people like myself are always putting themselves down from that low self esteems stems branches of more sadness and sorrow and its just too hard to climb back, even with help youre only just going to be left at the bottom tunneling deeper into your own pit of shit. i keep telling myself everythings alright and theres nothing to worry about even when theres a million things shooting through my head and when you keep forcing those things to the back of your head, eventually theres not going to be any space left to store it which is why i forget. forgetting is easier than forgiving. my life isn't so holy that i can easily forgive even though its seemingly the right thing to do. this springs more traps, trips and when youre left with all these insecurities about yourself and those around you, you don't know what to trust or believe in anymore and its really quite empty. im really quite empty right now... just floating on.
there comes a point in everybody's life where they grow up. we're not children anymore, we can't get away with the same privileges we were blessed with when we were children, even simple things like leisure time. we're always constantly looking towards the future, in our childhood to adulthood, we spend our lives trying to form an education so we have a better chance for a good career to be able to live our life independently and the better you do that apparently the better life will be in the future. we live based on assumptions but in reality we're spared little truth.
these days i'm finding it hard to differentiate myself from reality to the point i dont feel like im living. there will always be times we look back at the past but i tell myself to never regret the choices ive made and the choices ive made have increasingly been based upon that. you say whats the point in living. whats the point in anything really. there is no point for me, i do what i feel like doing in the moment. there is no point overthinking things and you need to live for the small things you enjoy so perhaps there can be a bigger moment in the future. recently though.. i feel like im moving in slow motion and everyone is so predictable. easy to read and the dnms i used to have, theyre gone. the people and the problems. i have no real problems and i dont need help. and i know its wrong for me to feel like this but i just feel like the matters they worry about are so trivial and simple that theyre fucking idiots for thinking about such things to the point it feel like its a waste. the point is i have no right to feel like this when academically by the worlds standards im falling behind in every way. i lack in every single way and there is no motivation for myself. instead of motivating myself ive been concerned with motivating others and in the end im not prioritising myself anymore. i dont feel that im worth the effort and the way ive been treated by the people around me, the way my friends have disappeared, my achievements and the lack of human communication i have currently compared to how i used to be is surprising. there have been points in my life where im comfortable being alone, where i want to be with other people and where i tell myself i want to be alone or with other people. growing up, ive disregarded my own wants and focused more on keeping my life as simple as possible.
people have this contrived notion that doing certain activities will make change, people smoke, drink alcohol, do illicit drugs for some purpose in trying to change. change will always come, whether you force/want it or not. you never really know whether its for the better or the worse and in life youre living with so many unknown choices but recently i know ive changed. and the only thing im really noticing right at this moment is that nobody is thinking about me. nobody. whether you are alone physically, mentally or emotionally.. it doesn't help when you can't even believe in your own abilities. everyone knows this but there really is no point in trying to protect others, when you can barely protect yourself. there is no point trying to protect people, when you cant even protect the one closest to you.
happiness doesn't last. i'm really alone in this world. left with nobody, my bodys shaking with fear, so alone...
