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was reading keith's blog and it reminded me of myself lately a little. i've been overthinking everything, digging to deep into what could be, what i think should be, what i actually want and ending up nowhere. i keep getting caught up on this and that thought and before i know it my body's going faster than my brain. i can't catch up and can't deal with it and before i know it, i catch up and am left with a bunch of regrets. the more and more i think of the 'perfect' girl for me, keep thinking that there is one that is perfect then you get caught up and miss what could've been. i told myself this already over six months ago but im just letting my emotions play for themselves, and in the end im left worse off, more alone and in the hardest pain ive felt in the last few years. the worst part is that i recognise where i went wrong, what i coudl of done and shouldve done and i think over this last year its been the biggest life changer. just so much has happened, and in these last six months, it feels like nothings happening, but somethings happening but times just flowing and now im at the end of my first year of uni with more regret then ever. telling myself to live life with no regrets but doing so brings worse regrets. ttm. bye.
i dont know what to do with my life now. im at an impasse. everywhere i look im just staring blankly. everywhere i go, i dont know where im really walking. i need to quit looking at my feet and thinking where they'll take me and decide where to go but even saying that, i still can't take that step forward.
i just want to sleep and forget about the world around me. theres really nothing worth living for in it. ive been living for these false illusions of a better future but everything is just a dream. and at the moment, im just sore and sick of it. i dont understand why im just so unsatisfied with life. ive made better friends than i had in high school, ive laughed more and matured more but its come to the point where you dont know whats what anymore. i feel like i can have a serious conversation with someone and they wont understand how serious i am and the sad thing is that theres nothing to talk about, no one to talk with and nothing left to give. sometimes you need to shed a tear to force a smile.
im in the biggest slump at the moment, its like falling into the ditch in batman.. but i dont even have the motivation to pull myself out. one of the worst feelings is having something and then losing it. everyone knows that. like in naruto, sasuke had parents but lost them which is more painful then never having parents to begin with. i just have to get my head around life or at least around something seemingly a little real. im just lost by myself in the middle of fucking nowhere and when i look back it makes me think how i got to this point in the first place. by doing nothing. im always doing nothing and everything just looks depressing from this point of view now im trying hard to smile.
theres a lot of things in this world which are hard to distinguish from fantasy and reality. people always perceive things that aren't there, hope for things which aren't real and even when you try to trap yourself in that fantasy happy world you fucking face the real harsh shitness of reality. i keep trying to reassure myself in some way that there is some reason there that im doing this, or doing that but in the end there isn't really a reason behind things. people say theres a motive behind everything but honestly i dont even think and i just go with whatever is happening nowdays. its like my own selfconsciousness has just given up and i dont even know left from right anymore. theres nowhere to look anymore but down at my own two feet and see where theyre headed, maybe one day they will be four feet walking.
looking around, looking forward, looking back still. sometimes i think i get too emotional over things, not even proper things. seeing couples actually hurts... seeing pretty people ... etc etc. i dont get why either. sometimes it makes my heart race and all but then at the end of the day im just tired of everything.
every perspective i look at things there is no positive outcome so its just hard to keep a positive attitude in life even though i try my best. keep a smile on my face, hoping people dont notice its fake sometimes. i mean, there are happy moments but everything is just too temporary. vanishes in a moment for me.
for one, the most depressing thought i had today on the train ride home alone was that there really isn't anyone for me. i actually passed through high school without much social interaction, i kept my mind on study, sport and videogames. and now im passing through uni with my mind on nothing. i do study but it doesn't consume me, i play sport but its not as passionate and i play videogames to consume the rest of the time. i work to earn money and eat. everything just seems so pointless and when you're an insomniac like me and alone at 4-5am in the morning, it only makes everything seem that much more pointless.
i really need to break out of this. everything i want is unrealistic. everything i can get doesn't seem enough. everything i have is unappreciated. im just at a stand still with reality. i look left, right, up, down and theres nothing, i look back and its depressing, i look forward and realistically its more depressing. i cant even do anything about myself anymore and i dont know why im so lost up in nothing... i guess as time goes, friends disappear.
saw the prettiest, cutest.... everything. girl i have ever seen in my life.
nothing to say.
no girl like that, no car like that, no house like that, no job like that, no future for me. ^_^
nothing to say.
no girl like that, no car like that, no house like that, no job like that, no future for me. ^_^
usually theres up and downs but at the moment its just one big down and im not sure when its going to stop. ive tried to trap myself in university but i cant get into it, theres not really anyone in my life at the moment. everyones pretty much on the outside of this little inner world, only visiting me irregularly. work opened up another little world to visit but its still not enough. i think ive just felt unsatisfied with life lately, theres just nothing in it and its actually just depressing. a lot more than anyone could think, more than just a motivational slump, its a life slump.every little thing that meant anything doesn't bring the same joy anymore, i play basketball but i lost the happiness in it. i game, even when i win theres no happiness in it and theres just nobody to talk to anymore. theres been times in my life where ive had no one to talk to for a few months but that was okay because there was always other stuff in my life, basketball, some game to play, schoolwork but now its just nothing. and nothings nothing. and when you feel like you've lost everything that ever mattered.. when you think back to times where you could smile, nothing but sadness left here.
