redemption.

usually theres up and downs but at the moment its just one big down and im not sure when its going to stop. ive tried to trap myself in university but i cant get into it, theres not really anyone in my life at the moment. everyones pretty much on the outside of this little inner world, only visiting me irregularly. work opened up another little world to visit but its still not enough. i think ive just felt unsatisfied with life lately, theres just nothing in it and its actually just depressing. a lot more than anyone could think, more than just a motivational slump, its a life slump.every little thing that meant anything doesn't bring the same joy anymore, i play basketball but i lost the happiness in it. i game, even when i win theres no happiness in it and theres just nobody to talk to anymore. theres been times in my life where ive had no one to talk to for a few months but that was okay because there was always other stuff in my life, basketball, some game to play, schoolwork but now its just nothing. and nothings nothing. and when you feel like you've lost everything that ever mattered.. when you think back to times where you could smile, nothing but sadness left here.

i've just been waiting my whole life, just waiting, not chasing, i dont even know what to do. just hoping, can't see it, don't know what else that i can do. don't know why i can't remember, what i thought was right for me.. don't know why. im still chasing. even though i think im waiting. only hoping. can't even take this last breath no more.

im at the age where i can't sit around and let my life play itself out anymore. all my life i've just been waiting and just going with whatever but now in every single step of my life theres new steps to be made, ive realised that but i still can't take those steps. people don't need me in their life anymore. im just that edge of their steps, that crumbles if you walk on it, never part of the middle. only once i've crumbled down can i start to build new better steps.

don't know what it is but i'm feeling really constrained at the moment. it's just hard to breath. hard to think. hard to find myself. not feeling right and theres nothing i can do about it.

i've been dreaming a lot lately. i don't really remember much though. yesterday i dreamt i was in korea once again. its sad really, thinking of all the wants, all the needs, all the shoulds and all the coulds. i don't know what i'm thinking lately, i can't really keep a level mind. i don't even know what i want. i can't get what i need.  i can't follow the shoulds, and i miss out on the coulds. honestly, i don't know what gives me motivation to keep going on to the next day lately, theres just been nothing. these last few weeks just feel empty. don't know what im hoping for either.

three animes that embrace a world i want to live in:
sword art online
clannad
kuroko no basuke

you know when you dream everything is just better. lately time has been going fast for me but everything just seems to be going slow. i don't really have any direction or purpose which im heading in. its sort of like my heads constantly in a dream, everythings blurry like that. maybe its something to do with all this dreamy kpop i've been listening too, pity i lost my ipod otherwise id be blanked out permanently.

i miss how i used to get pumped from music, i think life was just simpler when i was younger, just simpler and easier in general really. never really worried about anything and everything that even concerned me a little were of little importance if i think about it. the most concerning problems in my life were winning my next basketball game, getting another level in flyff etc. now everythings just less simplistic. every single problem has an even larger ever expanding problem on it and one thing leads to another. i feel that every decision i make is going to impact something else in some other way and i can't even follow that process with my brain properly.

also, i think theres something wrong with my mentality, my brain always seems to take priority over my heart with anything concerning love etc. you know what i mean... but honestly, it really does. in the past i was always thinking, if i like somebody i have to stick with them because im not a player etc, im a good person blah blah. and i can control myself like that and it works but.. then i always seemed to look down on everybody else in a way because almost everyone i know has limited self control, for myself at least i can say that i know what im doing 9/10 times with that 1/10 being when im blacked out. its hard to understand what you really want, its a mix of brain and heart, peer pressure amongst other things but in the end the decision made is the one i stick with. even if its caused regret, even if i tell myself i could forgive them and it turned out to lead to regret, even if i tell myself that i do, i should do what i think is right. right? (:

beautiful raw talent.

OMG. hard to find something to top this.
AFTERSCHOOOOL IN 1080P
♥